omg...this was amazing...make a few correctoins and it will be great,...i pray that this didn't actually happen to you...if it did, i am so teribbly sorry..
when he died it was snowing
like this
hard and hard and icy and hard
nadia said to me you must hate the adminstrators
if they'd canceled school he would
still be alive
i'd never thought about it like that before
even the man in the truck
that hit him
is faceless in my head and i dont
want to shoot him
if i saw him i would probably turn away
i would probably cry and cry
even though i can't hardly let anything out right now
i'm dry inside
i'll never have children
but i have this ball
its red and it lights up with fire lights
when you drop it on the floor
sometimes i hold it near my face
and pretend i am holding
the light of the world
i throw it into the air
i wish i could throw it so far that my brother could catch it
from his perch in the sky
and hold a little piece of me
and know that i remember even if i
cant cry
omg...this was amazing...make a few correctoins and it will be great,...i pray that this didn't actually happen to you...if it did, i am so teribbly sorry..
the ending is really good (with the ball) but the rest seemed just ok. i'd like to see it with some of niteowl's suggestions.
thanks for the crit especially the 2nd one(niteowl) which was nice and harsh. this obviously needs work and i'll be sure to do some on it. thanks again
wm
Well, I'm not really sure how the title relates to the poem, but it's pretty good, with a few little errors.
hard and hard and icy and hard
nadia said to me you must hate the adminstrators
even though I can't hardly let anything out right now
i'll never have children
i wish that i could throw it so far that my brother could catch it
from his perch in the sky
and hold a little piece of me
and know that i remember even if i
can't cry.
this was really good. I don't know what to say...it was very beautiful, and obviously heart-felt. I would be mad at the administrators too...Did this really happen to you? If so, I'm sorry.
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