Published December 31, 2010
So, this did very well when I first posted. Now, i think I've improved it a tad by adding bare punctuation. What do you think?
This is who I should be-
Flicking through magazines, seeing thin models
Cutting out the pictures, covering the mirror
This is who I want to be-
Staring at the pictures
Wanting to be more then just me.
This is who I am-
Turning in the mirror, trying to see every angle.
Grabbing the old toothbrush from the cup.
This is who I need to be-
As I lean over the toilet,
Retching filling the empty space.
This is who I’m stuck with-
As I flush the toilet,
Look into the sunken, gray face in the mirror
I was never happy with it.
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Canary word: Present
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Jojo got all the nitpicks, so this isn't going to be a review. Just saying nice job.
Hello there
You should be cutting pictures of thin models from the magazines? But you're not because you're too busy making yourself puke in the toilet. That's how I'm reading it right now, which is why I'm totally confused because I feel that's not your intention.This poem is utterly deep and I can totally relate to it. I don't think I've seen it before but it was quite good. What I don't get though is the statement
Great poem anyhow.
Keep writing and good luck!
~Happy New Year
Deep poem.
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.
Overall, pretty good job. Just a few grammatical and structural errors.
But really good, nonetheless.
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-jojo.