Faerie-ism

Hey Wickedwonder here to review,

It wasn’t just the pain Charlotte Tucker felt, it was the hallucinations. Sometimes, she’d envision she was home, sitting in front of the fire on a late Christmas Eve. Sometimes, she’d see herself falling off the bridge and into the Thames River. Sometimes she’d see nothing at all #800080 ">The repetition of sometimes three times doesn't sound all that good to me. I'm sure you can think of another word that fits in there. That was what scared her the most. #800080 "> That would scare me the most also !
She had only been fifteen when she had been taken from her London home. It had been two long years, but she stopped keeping track after three weeks. He opened the door to her room and crossed over to the ornate bed she was tied to #800080 ">I like how you didn't say who he was. It adds suspense to the piece. Very good . The rope cut into her wrists as she struggled, they were at the fraying point.
“Open up.” he said, keeping his voice cool and mild. Charlotte stopped moving and obediently opened her mouth, allowing the man to pour the vial of slimy, clear liquid down her throat. The man smiled cruelly. He had her trained perfectly. He had chosen#800080 ">Is this sentence incomplete?
She began to scream as loud as she could. The visions were in her head, bugs crawling over every inch of her body. She broke the rope at her wrists, leaving them with bracelets of blood. She began to claw #800080 ">the word at should be here. her arms with her untrimmed nails, drawing blood.
“No,” She howled, “no. Mother, NO!” the man sat down in the wooden chair, crossed his arms and waited.

The screams could be heard through all of London. Well, not exactly, but Nathaniel Malone was on the roof of the house that held Charlotte Tucker. Mihaela Vladimirescu sat next to him, wearing a long black dress. Her dark red hair was pulled from her eyes, making her face seem sharp and flat in the moonlight.
“I think she may be in there.” Nate said, pulling a thin blade from his belt. Mihaela rolled her big brown eyes, “I think you may be right,” she said in her thick, Romanian accent. #800080 ">Okay, I'm not to sure, but is she being sarcastic? Since she rolled her eyes?
“So, how do we get in?” Nate asked. The moon washed color into his black hair. His green eyes seemed to glimmer as his mind whirred, “we break in.” he answered his own question.#800080 ">You did a good job of making sure people know that the scene has changed.

The man smiled as Charlotte continued to scream. The bugs kept crawling over her, there was no end to the torture. The#800080 "> Then she stopped, and an eerie silence fell. The blood dripped from her arms to the white sheets. She lay still and unmoving #800080 ">still and unmoving basically mean the same thing on the bed as Nate broke the window with his feet. He climbed in, Mihaela after him. The man smoothed his hair from his face, eyeing the intruders. #800080 ">This seems a little flat to me.
“What do you want?” he asked with a very good, but still fake, American accent #800080 ">I like this. It makes you wonder where the man is from.Is he british or is he not? Since Mihaela isn't Good . Nate gritted his teeth and lifted his blade. Mihaela ran to Charlottes’ side, and began muttering words under her breath.
The man sized Nate up, noticing the glinting blade and the sharpness in his usually mischievous brown eyes #800080 ">This makes me infer that the man knows Nate. The man laughed, ringing over Charlotte’s screams. #800080 ">I think you should mention somewhere that she started screaming again. Because last time she's mentioned in the story she's not screaming, she's still on the bed.
“Take her.” #800080 ">For someone that has gone through the trouble of kidnapping he sure does give her up fast. He said, his thin smile remaining on his face. Nate shivered. The mans’ pale eyes held no emotion, and that scared him, though Nate would never admit it, “she’ll be dead within the hour without the antidote.” the man said and leaped from the window. Nate watched as he landed on the streets below.#800080 ">Did he go SPLAT! or did he land on his feet? Maybe you should mention that.
“Lets get her out of here.” He ordered. Mihaela sighed.
“I can’t move her. Go look for an antidote. You’re looking for something that might smell like lavender or sage or,” Mihaela paused, thinking, “you stay with Charlotte, I’ll go look.” Nate nodded, and kneeled next to Mihaela #800080 ">Wait, shouldn't she be looking for the antidote not staying there? I think you might have meant Charlotte, but I could be wrong.. He grasped Charlotte’s hand, and stared into her pale, now silent face. She was too important to loose. #800080 ">Ohhh, I really like this! It makes you want to keep reading, to know what Nate has to do with Charlotte.

I don't think it's really that bad. I personally loved your opening sentence and it looks alright to me so far : ) I hope you keep going with this.

Anyway, as of right now the characters seem flat, I want to know who the man is and maybe a bit more about Charolette. Give us a good picture of what's going on and what the characters look like.

I would suggest describing how she feels a bit more, and how she feels about the other characters; does she hate him or is he a friend? ; )

Overall, I thought this was pretty good! Keep writing this and feel free to PM me anytime, I love to chat!

- Jesssica