Hey there!
I stumbled across this in the works by new users section. Welcome to YWS!! We're so excited to have you here.
And wow! What a great start!
I'll begin with what I think is the biggest strength of this poem: The structure here is fantastic. I love the repetition of clothing, and I love the way the long lines are always used for someone else's thoughts/dialogue. It gives a really clear beginning, middle, and end, and this great three-part structure, which of course is common in a lot of different mediums of storytelling (for good reason! You can quickly set up a pattern and then break it. 10/10 trope usage).
Now then, for things you might want to improve on...
I think you can evoke a much stronger sense of fear/horror in this poem. In particular, the last four lines can be used to a greater effect.
Remember: you're in the three-part structure. The third part (and the fourth, which kind of half exists in the last three lines) do not have to exactly follow things that were laid out in the first two parts. I think in the long line by the voice in the closet, you can move away using 'said,' and you can give the monster some stronger action and atmosphere before moving into what it said. You could also play around a little more with the punctuation (or take it away) to change the way this passage is read.
I also think the last sentence of that line can be changed to have a verb that is more fear-inducing that 'seeps.' 'Seeps' doesn't really do much on its own, I think. It's a word that doesn't have a particularly horrifying connotation, and doesn't match well as an action with the subject 'hands.' In fact... given that the poem ends with the narrator in this kind of aloof, no-care pessimism, it might worth trying to evoke more of the cold in that last sentence... maybe the cold hands of despair... 'grip your heart in ice,' or 'paint your veins with frost' or something like that. Any really active verb accompanied by some chilly effect I think will improve that line.
You could also consider turning "It's a warm spring day and I am cold," to "...and I am ice," which as a metaphor instead of a feeling may give you a stronger wording for that emotionless feeling. Even if it is a little cliche.
Hope this helps! Again, welcome to YWS!
-Vento
I'll be so happy when the leaves fall!!! I hope this story and how it begins really puts out the heat LOL. I love how this goes through the seasons. The fall introduces how the narrator's father believes monsters are people. The winter introduces how the narrator hears voices. I like how the mother comes into play to describe how the Lord will drive any evil out. With monsters and haunting/spooky things, religion often contradicts and contrasts the "evil." Many horror movies have cleansings for ghosts and spirits. There is a lot of religious text that refers to demons, etc. Therefore, this maternal voice highlighting this for the "monster" makes a lot of sense and feels natural. The monster telling harsh realities of "fathers abandon their families in cowardice" hit a cord with me. I really saw the eyes of "nothing." Spring brought in the realization of that "nothing." It was magnificent to read about this nothing yet feel everything about it! I loved the ending sentences: "I say it does not matter. Not in the eternal second of absolute silence." I was left speechless and contemplative. This was a great read, and bravo to you! Wishing you well wherever you are in the world!!
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