Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
"Mom! I need your help!"
I sighed before taking my glasses off and walking into the kitchen. Her hands covered her face.
"What's up, honey?"
Her eyes connected with mine and she pulled my hand down to sit at the dining room table beside her.
"I have to write a story for my AP Literature class. We all had to pick a genre out of a hat and I got romance and mom, I don't have a single clue about romance. You have been married to dad for along time. Was he your first love?"
She stared at me. Her question sat in my stomach.
Was he my first love?
I looked at her and smiled.
"Let me tell you my story of my first love."
_________________________
20 years before
The New York City air was crisp. Fall leaves flew around in the wind as I walked to Cara's Café, the best café in the world. Trust me it is way better than any Starbucks or, I don't know, McDonald's you could ever go. No matter how many customers they get throughout the years, they have always remembered me by name and always got my usual correct.
"Hey Audrey!"
Cara yelled from inside the kitchen window. She would only yell my name in the morning since during lunch time it would always be packed with big business CEOs and she didn't want them to think that this wasn't a place to be calm after sitting in meetings for hours, yelling at the top of their lungs just to get a point across.
"Hey Cara. Are the Blondies down yet?"
I sat down at a small circle table; my small circle table. It had small carvings of tally marks into the orange paint that covered it. Each tally made by me. They all represented every guy that I have 'been' with. Now, when I say been with, I mean just have had sex with three times and left. Don't look at this with disgust or distaste. I know you are probably thinking, "wow, what a slut." But let's be real with ourselves. How many guys just hit it and quit it? How many girls are left crying their eyes out because that guy made them feel loved and on top of the world? Took them places that now when they look at that place, all they can do is cringe due to the painful memories. Memories that won't ever go away.
I was once that girl. Crying because I got my heart broken to the one guy who I thought we would at least stay together for awhile. I'm not saying I loved the guy but I'm not saying I didn't have any strong feelings for him. I cared for him. I gave myself to him and he just broke my heart and for what? A good time? Just a fuck session? Instead of crying, staying home, and eating Chinese take-out, I got off the couch and decided to play their game. Now, I'm the girl breaking guys hearts. So far, I have 12 tally marks. My goal is at least 20 before Christmas.
"You know, you are the only customer I let vandalize my coffee shop."
Cara placed down my raspberry and marshmallow blondie along with rocky road coffee topped with whip cream, caramel drizzle, and crunchy stuff.
"And you know that you are the only person who will make me break my diet every morning."
"That's why ya love me."
I smiled at her before she walked back into the kitchen to make even more delicious treats before the morning traffic started. I grabbed the pink plastic fork Cara left me and started to dive right into my not so healthy breakfast routine.
With my fork in my right hand and my book in my left, my life was perfect right now. At this moment, I was at peace from any wild night I had before. That was until he walked in.
He was at least 6 feet tall with dirty blonde hair and green eyes. He was wearing a white V-neck covered with an olive green coat that hung loosely on his torso but still showed his muscles in his arm. His jeans were light washed and were brought together with light brown TOMS. He had dark brown stubble across his face as his lips were stuck in a small smile. He was gorgeous and was about to be tally number 13.
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137,924 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
Hello, there! cleverclogs here for a review!
I like the premise of the girl asking her mother about her first love, and I like how you convey that to the reader in flashbacks. I think that the beginning part (pre-flashback) needs to be fleshed out a little more. Right now, it's just the girl (does she have a name?) walking in and asking a question. You could describe more about the setting, or have Audrey get a cup of coffee or something. It all happens very fast, and it seems a little unnatural, especially how the girl just pulls her mother down to the table. It doesn't seem like something a teenage girl would do. A quick nitpick or two:
"Mom" should be capitalized. Changing "You have" to "you've" would sound more natural for dialogue. I know that the previous review pointed this out, but as you've neglected to change it, I'll remind you that "along" should be "a long". I'd also recommend adding some sort of description of the daughter in this paragraph to break up the words. For instance, after the second sentence, add something like, "She sighed and tapped her fingers on the table."
I like the flashback. The descriptions are all vivid, and I find the premise to be funny and fascinating at the same time. I can tell that future!Audrey is totally different from flashback!Audrey, so I'm interested so see the events that led her to change. I do have a few suggestions, though.
I'm not sure who Audrey is talking to. I feel like it should be her daughter, but it seems like she's talking to the reader. I'd recommend either changing this or editing it out.
This sentence is worded very awkwardly. I'd recommend changing it to
Much better, no?
It appears that you've dropped an f-bomb, which means that the rating should be 18+.
"Not so healthy" should be "not-so-healthy".
Whoa, there! That's a bit of an info-dump. We don't need to hear an exact description of what the guy looks like. Instead, add it into the story. Don't flat-out tell us that he's at least 6 feet tall, talk about him having to duck under the doorway so he doesn't hit his head. It's much more interesting. Also, all numbers should be spelled out, so "13" should be "thirteen" and so on.
Overall, I like this chapter and I'm interested in seeing what comes next. I can't really identify personally with Audrey's motives for being a heartbreaker, but you make it understandable enough that I don't really hate her. Keep up the good work!
Haha, Very funny, I was curious to know the girl's reaction, after her mother's story of her first love. So far, I feel bad for the innocent girl, whose high expectations about her mom had been destroyed.There were some punctuation errors not much though:
"Hey Audrey!
Here punctuation was missing after an interjection.
I'm not saying I loved the guy but I'm not saying
In this case ,a comma is missing before but.
And Typo errors:
You have been married to dad for along time.
Not 'along', it is 'a long'
I thought we would at least stay together for awhile
Either use 'awhile' or 'for a while'
Your beginning seemed to be cliche, start with a punch. Your descriptions were vivid and the narration is fine. Well done. Keep writing. Good luck.
This is interesting and caught my attention from the start. I hope you are writing more to this because now I'm curious where the title comes in. Keep up the good work. I saw no errors and it all made sense. I like your ideas and how yo described things. Good job keep writing.