My feet lagged as I stumbled down the dark wooden stairs after I was called for dinner. I’m dreading having to look Mom in the eyes. I know I shouldn’t have yelled at her, but I also know that I am about to sneak out tonight-as long as Ayden goes along with it. As I made my way through the living room, I noticed the newspaper lying on the coffee table. Although I never read the newspaper, for some reason tonight I am very curious. I grabbed it into my hands, reading the headlines.
Fatal car crash on Central Avenue
I skimmed through the paragraph below it and found out that I young man, Tyler Williams, was killed, but his three friends are in critical condition. I shuddered, thinking of how much pain everyone that knew him is in. I dropped then newspaper just as Dad came walking down the hall away from the kitchen with a plate of food in his hands.
“Oh, there you are,” he said. “I was bringing you something to eat because I didn’t think you were coming down.”
“Sorry, I was reading the newspaper.” I shrugged, not wanting to think about death anymore.
“Ah, it’s sad to think about what that boy’s family is going through,” he sighed. “And to think of the great future he would have had.” We began to walk to the kitchen together.
“Yeah, it is. Did you read what happened?” I couldn’t help but to ask. Even though I really don’t want the answer.
“Someone ran the red light and slammed into the side of his car,” he said, barely over a whisper. His gray hair shown brightly from the lights above, and his deep voice rang through my ears. “Drunk driver most likely.” We made our way to our seats at the table and I bowed my head as Ayden blessed our food. Dinner was silent, only the light scarping of forks and the occasional, “Can you pass the salt?”
Later that night, I sat at my cluttered desk humming along to my rock band, desperately trying to ignore my conscience. You cannot go to that concert! How dare you even ask Ayden? Mom doesn’t want you to go! You should be apologizing to her right now. My mind wouldn’t stop. What’s the worst that will happen? You and Ayden will get caught? You can tell them that it was all your idea and Ayden won’t even get in trouble. You’ll have fun! You worked so hard to get those tickets. Finally, I came to a conclusion. I quietly opened my bedroom door and walked across the hall to Ayden’s room. I knocked softly, not wanting Mom and Dad to hear from downstairs. Why are you so paranoid? They aren’t going to know you are going in his room to get him to help you sneak out tonight.
“Come in,” A muffled Ayden voice called. I opened his door and timidly sat down in his beanie bag chair. “What’s up?” He asked, lifting his head from a drawing he was sketching on his perfectly clean desk.
“Wanted to see if you had any plans tonight,” I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could. I don’t think it worked because his eyes narrowed and his lips pulled into a tight line.
“No, Rose. We are not going that concert.” His tone was harsh, making me feel even worse. You have to go see that concert!
“Please, Aay! I worked so hard for those tickets!” I restrained myself from stomping my foot. Keep it together. Stay calm and rational.
“If you want to go so bad, go by yourself,” he said, picking up his drawing again as though this conversation was over.
“I can’t drive. Anyways, you don’t want me to go by myself. I know you don’t want me to.”
“Okay, yeah, Rose. I don’t want you to go off to the concert for just the same reasons as Mom.” I walked over to where he was steady at work.
“Aay, you don’t want Mom and Dad to know that you snuck out the other night. Now do you?” I dug my finger nails into my palm as if that was punishment enough for what I just said to him. Why are you acting like such a brat? Leave it be, Rose. I reasoned at first, then, This concert is going to be awesome! You know if you manipulate him enough you’ll get what you want.
“Where’s you proof? They aren’t going to believe you,” he snapped. He pushed away from his desk and walked over to his bed picking up his cell phone.
“Ayden, let me live! Just this once, please?” I begged, hoping he would just give in because I knew that Mom and Dad probably wouldn’t believe me if I told them that their perfect son snuck out. Ayden’s usual happy-go-lucky self returned, now grinning at me.
My eyes widened in surprise. He's really going to take me? Awesome!
“Okay, fine. I’ll take you under one condition.”
“Great! Okay, whatever it is I’ll do it.”
“Promise?” He asked, lifting one brow in skepticism. How bad do you want to go this concert Rose?
“Yes.”
“Okay, since I lost a bet, I owe my friend. And I just found the perfect thing!”
“Oh, great. Who is he?”
“His name is Ben Brigham. All you have to do is be nice to him.”
“Okay, that’s fine. I’m just happy you finally loosened up!” I shouted, running to hug him.
“Yeah, yeah. I don’t know how smart I’m being.” He hugged me a little, then pushed away rubbing his forehead.
“You don’t have to be perfect all the time.” I said, running into my room to get ready for my perfect night out.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there Kate! I finally got around to this! This was an interesting carrying of the action; you're doing a good job of not making Rose too explosive here. I'm also impressed by some of the internal conflict you are giving Rose. I'm just going to address one or two things here, okay?
This is looking pretty good so far. Nice job and keep writing! PM me if you have any questions.
Body Language vs. Internal Monologue
All right, so, so far with Rose, you are relying heavily on internal monologue to characterize her internal conflict. This is not always a bad thing. Some internal monologue is nice, but I think your story will be stronger if you do not rely on it as heavily. Instead of relying on internal monologue to convey conflict, try some body language and mixed messages. Have Rose stop and make a face every once in a while. Maybe she gets this funny feeling in her stomach whenever she is especially mean to her mom. Maybe she starts physically and emotionally feeling bad about it later. All of these things will strengthen the conflict around Rose, to try using them. They tend to work much more effectively than internal monologue.
Don't be afraid to slow down character reactions
So, your pace right now is not terribly fast. There's no problem with a swift pace, but I feel like you're starting to sacrifice character reaction for a faster pace to get to certain things quick. Watch out for that. Take your time with some of this early character development stuff. Right now your characters are still sketchy to me simply because I haven't gotten the time to get to know them. For instance, Rose's reaction to that newspaper article was very quick. We just knew she felt sorry for the boy and his family. Don't be afraid to slow down and really detail her reaction there. Also, the conversation between Rose and her brother could use some slowing down. Right now Aay seems very easily convinced and there is little body language and reaction to back this up. Don't be afraid to be detailed--when developing characters, details work to your advantage.
Work on these things and I think you'll really improve the strength of your writing.