Yes, another beginning to another story. Please bare with me. I can't seem to finish a story. However, I am in love with this one, so wish me luck. Reviews are greatly appreciated!
“Mom! Why won’t you let me go?” I yelled much too loudly. I glared at my mother for not understanding. She treats me like a am a baby. I quickly ran my thin hands through my blond hair, wincing as a few strands got caught around my fingers.
“Rosemary!” Mother snapped. Oh, please. My full name. Ooh. I thought sarcastically.
“I will not tolerate disrespect from you. You are not going to that concert tonight. That’s final.” Her golden hair whipped around her slender shoulders as she turned to furiously stir tonight’s dinner.
“We will see what Dad says about this!” I yelled, stomping up the stairs. I started to slam my door, but a black boot stopped my rebelling act.
“What do you want?” I could feel the acid on my tongue. I stared at my twin brother, not only from him interrupting my temper tantrum, but because even though we look exactly alike, he somehow pulls off the forest green eyes, and the thin blond hair perfectly.
“Why must you be so rude to Mom? She is only trying to protect you. Seriously, Rose. You need to think about what you are doing to her.”Ayden said, sliding between me and the door frame to plop down on my unmade bed.
“She won’t let me go to the concert! I worked all week to pay for these tickets, and now I can’t go.” Finally, I was able to slam the door. I paced back and forth in my room, ripping a loose strand on my t-shirt off.
“You gotta think of this way,” he began, leaning forward so his elbows rested on his knees. “Would you want your kid to drive two hours-on the interstate may I remind you- in the middle of the night to some rock concert in the biggest city in the state?”
I narrowed my eyes, weighing out my options. Well, it depends on who the kid is going with. Depends-my thoughts were interrupted when I heard a quiet knock on my door.
“What?” I spat, knowing it was Mom to gripe at me some more. I glanced over to Ayden, as he motioned towards me, then drew an invisible halo over his head. I rolled my eyes, then yanked open the door.
“Mom said that you had something you wanted to tell me?” Dad asked, smiling like he hadn’t seen me this morning, and his eyes sending me a warm hug.
“No. Not anymore.” I looked at my feet, ashamed to look at his loving face. Mom has probably told him everything I said already.
“Rose?” Dad asked, letting his voice grow higher, changing my name into a interrogation.
“Okay, I got mad at her because she-”
“Mom doesn’t want Rose to go to a rock concert two hours away at midnight tonight with a bunch of high school kids.” Ayden spurt out, grinning when I shot a nasty look his way.
“Ah, I see. Do you think your Mom is being unfair?” Dad asked, leaning on the door frame.
“Yes.” I said, folding my arms across my chest. Wow. I can’t believe I am about to get my way. I tried to refrain from smirking. Yet.
“Well, I am sorry you feel that way. Because I agree with you Mother.” He began to walk away, then he threw back his head and added, “And I believe Aay does too. He was shaking his head the whole time.”
“Ayden! Why are you being such a jerk? Why does everyone in this house treat me like the baby, when you and I are the exact same age?” I yelled at him, slamming the door once again.
“Because I am more responsible. Now, get over your little temper tantrum because I am going to take you. Don’t tell anyone.” With that, he strode out the door, whistling his favorite Muse song.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there Kate! Tis WD! You have an interesting piece here and I think it has some potential, but there are a few things I think you can do to improve this, so I'm just going to over a few things, all right?
First, I'd like to say you have a good basis. You have a family, and the daughter seems to have a clear attitude. You have established first person and you've begun to hint at the dynamic between she and her family. You have also established conflict. So far, the dialogue is flowing.
Right now Rose seems over-the-top, but I think this is because we don't know her very well yet and we haven't had a proper introduction to her yet. So, you have some of the aspects of narrator voice down, but I think the number one thing you can improve here is narrator detail. This piece seems centered on dialogue and that is fine, but, when being introduced to your narrator, I want to know what she notices and what she focuses on. Part of first person narration and its magic is seeing what the character picks out of the setting and draws attention to her. If a character is fixated by a knob on a door, we start wondering why and these little quirks help us. Right now Rose seems all dialogue and teenage rage and little character depth; it seems to me that she probably does not lack depth in your perception of her, because there are moments where she shines through, but I would just urge you to listen to your narrator and let her pick out details. Don't be so concerned about dropping your reader into an argument. Arguments are good hooks, but distinct narrator voices are better. Does that make sense?
So, don't be afraid to sprinkle that detail. Give us some body language and some quirks about her, some things she notices. Instead of telling us that her mom treats her like a baby, demonstrate that. Show us how she bristles at her mother's tone of voice. All these things will help you make Rose a more engaging character.
Also, the dynamic between Rose and Aay is strange right now; I think detail will help with this, but Aay is striking me as important and I'd like to see some more unspoken dynamics between them.
But you have a nice start! So keep on writing. And PM me if you have any questions.
P.S. I would like to thank gsppcrocks and night owl for being patient with my questions, and answering them superbly. You guys are awesome.