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Young Writers Society



One day I met a Little Bird

by wonder_writer15


One day I met a little bird
It had a broken wing
I bent down to him
And he started to sing

"Help me!" he seemed to say
So I lent him my hand
I took a good look at him
He was the color of sand

He jumped into my hand
As if he knew I would help right away
I put him under a tree
And he gave me a happy chirp to assure me he was okay

Then one fine day I went to the tree
Where I had put my sweet little chickadee
"I'm fine!" he said "thanks for your help!
I'll never forget you my friend!"

He then took flight and I never saw him again


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34 Reviews


Points: 2389
Reviews: 34

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Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:28 pm



I really enjoyed this poem.
It had a nice flow to it.
I liked how you add a voice to the bird.
It made the poem more animated
and added a sense of cuteness to the poem.




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220 Reviews


Points: 1478
Reviews: 220

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Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:33 pm
Sleeping Valor wrote a review...



wonder_writer15 wrote:One day I met a little bird
It had a broken wing
I bent down to him
And he started to sing

"Help me!" he seemed to say
So I lent him my hand
I took a good look at him
He was the color of sand

He jumped into my hand
As if he knew I would help right away

I put him under a tree
And he gave me a happy chirp to assure me he was okay

Then one fine day I went to the tree
Where I had put my sweet little chickadee
"I'm fine!" he said.[I'm not sure if you need to use punctuation here, since it's a poem. But you used quotation marks so I figured I'd point it out. Up to you. Also, the t of thank you need to be capitalized] "Thanks for your help!
I'll never forget you my friend!"

He then took flight and I never saw him again


Let me start by welcoming you to YWS! ^_^ It's always nice to see all the new members we get.

Just a heads up, in case you didn't know, we have a 2:1 rule when it comes to posting. For every one piece you put in for review, you need to review 2 (for other people). This helps you earn points so you can post more, and it also helps you make friends and get other people to look at your work.

Your poem is very nice, I thought it was quite cute. The only real suggestion I have for you is to reconsider the three verses I put in bold. It seems there is jump in narration. The two lines 'I took a good look at him/He was the color or sand" seem to interrupt the flow of the 'story' because you bring back up the hand afterwards. It also stands out to me because you have 'hand' twice so close together. Maybe if you used a synonym for hand it would be smoother.

But besides that little bit of nitpicking, this is a nice poem. :D

^_^ Keek




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5 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 5

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Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:52 pm
Sweetyb1 wrote a review...



Very sweet poem. Your rhythm was great except I stumbled a little with the line:

"And he gave me a happy chirp to assure me he was okay"

But I think taking out just one or two words like And would make it flow a bit better.

Overall very nice.





The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest