The incandescent setting-
You out shone.
The rhythmic air-
we embodied.
In a world full of others
We made our own.
Suspended in your arms,
Suspended in time.
I was yours and you were mine
And has our hands did intertwine
The world intervened
Claiming you as its martyr.
Our time shared,
This love affair
It was intimate now intricate
Regardless of all it was ours.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hello there, I'm Renn. I suppose I'll speak for YWS and say that we're very sorry for your loss.
First off, I'm going to say it's always very hard to review something that is very personal to the writer. I totally get that- and it also means that it is very hard for the writer to allow others to read it. So thank you for taking that leap of faith and trusting the YWS community. I hope to not let you down.
That being said, I do rather enjoy this piece. The words sound nice- in a way that you imagine old (like OLD, from ye olde tymes) poetry to sound when read aloud. However, when read aloud- there are a couple of points that seemed a little hiccup-y. The two lines starting with 'Suspended', felt a bit choppy. Maybe use a synonym for suspended, or play off the other definition of the word "defer or delay (an action, event, or judgment)." Maybe find a way to use a synonym or play on the other definition to show the abruptness of the loss.
The line "I was yours and you were mine" while it is nice, is a bit overused in poetry and the like. It's everywhere. But I remind people that cliches exist because they're effective- so just find a way to rephrase it and make it your own.
The line "claiming you as its martyr" felt a bit forced. It's an impacting statement, but it doesn't quite flow with the pretty, woeful tone of the poem.
Finally- the ending. The lines "Our time shared,/This love affair" was a good choice in leading up to the end. I feel it's a great drive and has a calm serenity about it. But because of the strength of those lines, I feel the last two lines fall a bit flat. Like there either needs to be something more, or like it could be reworded.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope all ends up better for you.
- Renn
Sorry for your loss!
This has a very graceful sound to it. "It was intimate now intricate"... very pretty. Two things that would help this poem however are more concrete details (smells, sounds, colors, tastes, etc.) and a more interesting point. You loved this person, this person gave you a world apart from the outside world, and then you were robbed of this person. Obviously this is an extremely strong sentiment. But in anything like this there are many sentiments swirling around, and I would love to see some of them make their way into this poem. Is there an twinge of regret somewhere? Or anger at that outside world for breaking into the inner peace you and this person created for yourselves? Or maybe the smallest grain of happiness that this person will be remembered in their youthful height, not left to grow old and decrepit and dementia-stricken like the rest of us? It's always complicated. Let us into the complicated.
Thanks for the read! Keep writing!
-BFG