Hello there, I'm Renn. I suppose I'll speak for YWS and say that we're very sorry for your loss.
First off, I'm going to say it's always very hard to review something that is very personal to the writer. I totally get that- and it also means that it is very hard for the writer to allow others to read it. So thank you for taking that leap of faith and trusting the YWS community. I hope to not let you down.
That being said, I do rather enjoy this piece. The words sound nice- in a way that you imagine old (like OLD, from ye olde tymes) poetry to sound when read aloud. However, when read aloud- there are a couple of points that seemed a little hiccup-y. The two lines starting with 'Suspended', felt a bit choppy. Maybe use a synonym for suspended, or play off the other definition of the word "defer or delay (an action, event, or judgment)." Maybe find a way to use a synonym or play on the other definition to show the abruptness of the loss.
The line "I was yours and you were mine" while it is nice, is a bit overused in poetry and the like. It's everywhere. But I remind people that cliches exist because they're effective- so just find a way to rephrase it and make it your own.
The line "claiming you as its martyr" felt a bit forced. It's an impacting statement, but it doesn't quite flow with the pretty, woeful tone of the poem.
Finally- the ending. The lines "Our time shared,/This love affair" was a good choice in leading up to the end. I feel it's a great drive and has a calm serenity about it. But because of the strength of those lines, I feel the last two lines fall a bit flat. Like there either needs to be something more, or like it could be reworded.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope all ends up better for you.
- Renn
Points: 1493
Reviews: 82
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