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Young Writers Society



Whispering River Conintued (end of chapter 2)

by witchwriter91


*Chapter 2 Continued and End*

Despite his mastermind and his lack of conscience he began to think of what he had just done. He couldn’t help but realize that as much as he despised the old man it still was his father.

“Johnthan what have you done?” asked a voice right beside him.

“Who might you be?”Johnathan demanded, trying to concentrate on the road.

“ I’m what you could call your conscience but since you really don’t have one, I’m just a figment of your imagination.

“Really and how is that?” Johnathan said, “ I’m a murderer, I have very

little imagination.”

“Nonsense, I’m here aren’t I?” asked the voice.

“I don’t know.” Johnthan said.

“No matter, the reason I am here Johnathan is to warn you that if your

actions continue, you will be taken out eventually.” the voice said.

“How so?” asked Johnthan.

“You’ve killed your father that is strike one.” the voice replied , “ Here’s how it works, as you begin to kill the ones you love, they will soon want revenge. Four strikes and your time will be up. Being that this is strike number one, they have gotten their first revenge.”

“What’s that?” asked Johnthan.

“Wake up and see.” the voice said, and instantly Johnathan awoke from his sleep to see a wall and his car smashed in, while sirens went off and a firefighter tried to get him out.

“Sir can you here me?” asked the Firefighter.

“Yes.” Johnathan said groggily as his senses came back to him and his head began to hurt.

“You’re lucky to be alive.” the Firefighter said.

“How so?” asked Johnathan.

“Some guy cut you off and you ran into this brick wall and apparently blacked out until now.” the Firefighter said.

“But I don’t remember any...” Johathan began, but just then realized that he had at one point looked into the seat beside him, in hopes that he would see just what he was talking to but with no avail.

“As I said sir, you’re fortunate to be alive.” the Firefighter said trying very hard to open the door but with little luck, “ But we have to be very careful because if your engine goes up in smoke we could all die.”

“Why is that?” asked Johathan, turning his head just slightly to notice that the wall he had run into was the side of a gas station building, “ I see.”

“So we have to get you out quickly and carefully.” the Firefighter said.

“Try and hurry.” Johnathan said as calmly as possible.

“We’re doing all that we can.” the Firefighter said, “ Sir, the police have found a gas leak from your car and if we don’t get you out now, you will die, so we want you to try and climb out of the window.”

Johnathan slowly unbuckled his seatbelt and smashed what was left of the window and tried to climb out but his left leg was completely broken, so the firefighter had to pull him the rest of the way out and carried him off to the ambulance. Where exactly five seconds after Johnathan was wheeled away his car went up in flames and within a minute the entire gas station including everyone inside or out exploded as Johnathan’s ambulance drove away.

“Like I said, everything happens for a reason and if you do this again your punishment will be more severe, but you will survive. Don’t let it get to strike four because it will be your last.” the voice said once again.

“Your last.” the words rang in Johnathan’s head as he was driven to the emergency room, as he was given a cast and when he was finally released two days later. The words would never leave him, and yet the words meant absolutely nothing to him. After all to him this was all a dream and dreams have no relevance right? On the other hand, Johnathan thought it might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist just incase.

Chapter 3 The Visit- (Please Keep In Mind, I have been over busy, so this may not be the best)

Johnathan had never been to a doctors office before, let alone a phyciatric hospital, but he figured he was probably way over due. At any rate, as he walked into... ( will finish later)


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Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:24 am
Poor Imp wrote a review...



Hey WW - this was a little scattered; amusing dialogue though, off-beat oddity on that despite the conscience idea being rather well used. ^_~

Despite his mastermind and his lack of conscience he began to think of what he had just done. He couldn’t help but realize that as much as he despised the old man it still was his father



Typo here, perhaps? '...despised the old man he was still his father.' - rather than 'it was still his father'.


“ I’m what you could call your conscience but since you really don’t have one, I’m just a figment of your imagination."

“Really and how is that?” Johnathan said, “ I’m a murderer, I have very

little imagination.”

“Nonsense, I’m here aren’t I?” asked the voice.

“I don’t know.” Johnthan said.


This made me laugh - in a good way. It might be made a little more clear if you described the entire situation - Johnathan's feelings, sensations. Are there any other things going on? Can he only hear? Does the voice sound any particular way? Before or after - during, the dialogue is good for its brevity - quick back and forth works well. ^_^

“No matter, the reason I am here Johnathan is to warn you that if your

actions continue, you will be taken out eventually.” the voice said.

“How so?” asked Johnthan.

“You’ve killed your father that is strike one.” the voice replied , “ Here’s how it works, as you begin to kill the ones you love, they will soon want revenge. Four strikes and your time will be up. Being that this is strike number one, they have gotten their first revenge.”


Some punctuation is off here - just a bit.

First -- "No matter[period/full stop]. The reason I am here[comma], Johnathan[comma], is to warn you that if your actions continue, you will be taken out eventually." You don't necassarily need the dialogue tag 'the voice said'. It sounds like this mysterious voice, and specifiying it drags the flow.

Second -- "You've killed your father [dash here or semi-colon]--that is strike one." the voice replied[period/fullstop]. "Here's how it works[dash would work better here again]--as you begin to kill the ones you love, they will soon want revenge. Four strikes and your time will be up. Being that this is strike number one, they have gotten their first revenge."

The voice is a little confusing here though. How can dead people 'get revenge'? Why four strikes? ...How have they already gotten revenge? ...or is that the car crash that's made clear at the end? What rules is Johnathan tangling with specifically?

It would be more compelling, and certainly interesting and helpful to the piece overall to know what this conscience fellow/voice is. An actual entity - spiritual? Johnathan's deranged mind? Of course, as a reader, I'm curious. ^_^

“What’s that?” asked Johnthan.

“Wake up and see.” the voice said, and instantly Johnathan awoke from his sleep to see a wall and his car smashed in, while sirens went off and a firefighter tried to get him out.


A good 'wake-up instant'. But it's a bit rushed. You might break it up, give the reader a better impression. Just a suggestion -- "Wake up and see." said the voice.

And instantly Johnathan awoke from his sleep to see a wall (describe? black, close? smashed in?) and his windshield shattered. Sirens went off - was it in his head? a firefighter had a hand on his arm.


This way we get more into J's mind, feel the disorientation of waking in a car crash, etc.

“Sir can you here me?” asked the Firefighter.

“Yes.” Johnathan said groggily as his senses came back to him and his head began to hurt.

“You’re lucky to be alive.” the Firefighter said.

“How so?” asked Johnathan.


Ought to be "Sir[comma], can you hear me?" asked the firefighter.

The next bit is good - tells what's going with J and his perception. You could probably drop the 'firefighter said' the second time; it's implied well enough. I like the 'how so?'. Though it seems odd at first, it gives Johnathan a rather casual idiosyncrasy of speech. ^_^


“But I don’t remember any...” Johathan began, but just then realized that he had at one point looked into the seat beside him, in hopes that he would see just what he was talking to but with no avail.


This was a little bewildering. Perhaps if you broke it into two sentences? So --"...began. But turning, he realized the passenger seat was empty. He had looked with the hope of seeing who he spoken to. Was he crazy?" Just a suggestion - you could write it, I'm sure, better and more to the point. But as it is, it's switching tenses (past, etc) and it jumps from the firefighter - suddenly - to the voice and its not being there.


(I can't finish this now -- I'll be back to complete it soon, hopefully. I like it so far - it just seems a bit scattered, and some typos and punctuation skips. ^_^)





As a former (and rather excellent) liar herself, Aru knew that, sometimes, speaking the truth felt like wrenching a thorn out of your side. But doing the opposite meant pretending it wasn't there. And that made every single step ache. It was no way to live.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality