Hey WW - this was a little scattered; amusing dialogue though, off-beat oddity on that despite the conscience idea being rather well used. ^_~
Despite his mastermind and his lack of conscience he began to think of what he had just done. He couldn’t help but realize that as much as he despised the old man it still was his father
Typo here, perhaps? '...despised the old man he was still his father.' - rather than 'it was still his father'.
“ I’m what you could call your conscience but since you really don’t have one, I’m just a figment of your imagination."
“Really and how is that?” Johnathan said, “ I’m a murderer, I have very
little imagination.”
“Nonsense, I’m here aren’t I?” asked the voice.
“I don’t know.” Johnthan said.
This made me laugh - in a good way. It might be made a little more clear if you described the entire situation - Johnathan's feelings, sensations. Are there any other things going on? Can he only hear? Does the voice sound any particular way? Before or after - during, the dialogue is good for its brevity - quick back and forth works well. ^_^
“No matter, the reason I am here Johnathan is to warn you that if your
actions continue, you will be taken out eventually.” the voice said.
“How so?” asked Johnthan.
“You’ve killed your father that is strike one.” the voice replied , “ Here’s how it works, as you begin to kill the ones you love, they will soon want revenge. Four strikes and your time will be up. Being that this is strike number one, they have gotten their first revenge.”
Some punctuation is off here - just a bit.
First -- "No matter[period/full stop]. The reason I am here[comma], Johnathan[comma], is to warn you that if your actions continue, you will be taken out eventually." You don't necassarily need the dialogue tag 'the voice said'. It sounds like this mysterious voice, and specifiying it drags the flow.
Second -- "You've killed your father [dash here or semi-colon]--that is strike one." the voice replied[period/fullstop]. "Here's how it works[dash would work better here again]--as you begin to kill the ones you love, they will soon want revenge. Four strikes and your time will be up. Being that this is strike number one, they have gotten their first revenge."
The voice is a little confusing here though. How can dead people 'get revenge'? Why four strikes? ...How have they already gotten revenge? ...or is that the car crash that's made clear at the end? What rules is Johnathan tangling with specifically?
It would be more compelling, and certainly interesting and helpful to the piece overall to know what this conscience fellow/voice is. An actual entity - spiritual? Johnathan's deranged mind? Of course, as a reader, I'm curious. ^_^
“What’s that?” asked Johnthan.
“Wake up and see.” the voice said, and instantly Johnathan awoke from his sleep to see a wall and his car smashed in, while sirens went off and a firefighter tried to get him out.
A good 'wake-up instant'. But it's a bit rushed. You might break it up, give the reader a better impression. Just a suggestion -- "Wake up and see." said the voice.
And instantly Johnathan awoke from his sleep to see a wall (describe? black, close? smashed in?) and his windshield shattered. Sirens went off - was it in his head? a firefighter had a hand on his arm.
This way we get more into J's mind, feel the disorientation of waking in a car crash, etc.
“Sir can you here me?” asked the Firefighter.
“Yes.” Johnathan said groggily as his senses came back to him and his head began to hurt.
“You’re lucky to be alive.” the Firefighter said.
“How so?” asked Johnathan.
Ought to be "Sir[comma], can you hear me?" asked the firefighter.
The next bit is good - tells what's going with J and his perception. You could probably drop the 'firefighter said' the second time; it's implied well enough. I like the 'how so?'. Though it seems odd at first, it gives Johnathan a rather casual idiosyncrasy of speech. ^_^
“But I don’t remember any...” Johathan began, but just then realized that he had at one point looked into the seat beside him, in hopes that he would see just what he was talking to but with no avail.
This was a little bewildering. Perhaps if you broke it into two sentences? So --"...began. But turning, he realized the passenger seat was empty. He had looked with the hope of seeing who he spoken to. Was he crazy?" Just a suggestion - you could write it, I'm sure, better and more to the point. But as it is, it's switching tenses (past, etc) and it jumps from the firefighter - suddenly - to the voice and its not being there.
(I can't finish this now -- I'll be back to complete it soon, hopefully. I like it so far - it just seems a bit scattered, and some typos and punctuation skips. ^_^)
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