One: Legends of Old
Have you ever stopped to wonder why things are the way they are? For instance, why is the sky blue, why is life life? And what would happen if one day, the past life connected with the present. Who would be effected? How would life be different? These are the questions that have haunted me for quite some time now. And so, as the last living person to have known this story, or rather lived this story I pass it on to you. As it lives on in my mind, and lives on in the minds of all people who lived it.
I think its better affected than effected (because its correct grammar : 0). I like the way you have started this but this sort of beginning is quite clichéd in stories lately. Perhaps you could just start in the action as only the best authors get away with talking to the reader at the beginning.
It all began on a dark and slightly thunderous night. A man in a black sweat suit is running and screaming at the top of his lungs.
Right, this bit is a little dull. “It all began on…” seems a little unoriginal. Just remove that sentence.
"PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME. MY SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" he screamed throughout the streets of Little Whispington. But everyone ignored him. He was after all the town psychotic, always claiming that his son that had moved to South Beach about thirty years ago was trying to kill him. In fact this was not the first time that week he had made this claim. And every time it was his imagination. But not this time, this time, it was real, for his son had not really moved to South Beach, in fact the son had moved to Kingston, a place three miles from Little Whispington. But still everyone believed him to be in South Beach. At any rate, the old man ran and ran, until he came upon a well lit up house which he ran up to and banged on the door. But no one answered. He banged several more times before a rather tall man in a gray sweat suit came up caring the well coveted, and yet very illegal AK-47. He walked exceptionally slow as the man was in his slippers and clearly had no way of running fast.
This bits interesting as you tell us about the character, maybe more demonstration to his physoticness (is that a word?) would be more interesting, for example you could tell a story of how he did something one day and such as.
There was absolutely no where for the old man to hide, so he rounded the corner and ran into the old Kingston mansion, where he ran into the first bedroom on the third floor and hid in the closet. Where he sat breathlessly still.
The last sentence doesn’t make sense. It should be a comma instead of a full stop/period.
Barely breathing, and not even blinking. But something very heavy was sitting next to him. Something oddly shaped and heavy.
This is messy in terms of grammar, youa re using too many short sentences in the way, for me, that doesn’t add to the piece.
“The old man was barely breathing, and not even blinking. Something very heavy was sitting next to him. Something oddly shaped.”
Reads better but its still not perfect.
But the old man couldn't see it, so he lit a match to see the body of a man right next to him, completely covered in blood. The old man, blew out the match, and wanted to let out a yell, but held in this scream, though he was deathly scared.
No need for the “But” and you call him the old man too often. Just use he, we know who you are referring to.
Just then he heard the footsteps of his soon on the old hardwood floor and he quickly covered his mouth and nose so his breathing would not be heard.
Soon = son?
It was so quiet, accept for the thunder, and the sound of his heart beating at a thousand miles per minute.
How can it be quiet with thunder? This description doesn’t make sense.
Bump bump, bump bump, bump bump, his heart beat, louder and louder until he was sure it was going to burst right out of his chest when a pain went up his left arm and his heart began to beat out of control. He was having a severe heart attack. But this only began a chain of events, for when one thunder clapped in the sky, the closet door burst open and the old man was shot twelve times in the chest. Blood dripped to the floor as the man died instantly.
No need for the comma after “his heart beat”. I also dislike how you change point of view in mid-scene. You have gone to the killers POV now. Just a pet peeve of mine. You should end the scene here with a “#” and then continue from the Killers POV.
The younger man, pulled the old man out of the closet and dragged him to his, black van which he had set in place not far from there, got into his car and drove to the local river. Known to the residents as Whispering River, so named because it was in the town of Little Whispington. He took the body to the dirty river and put it in. Then as the rain began to fall, he placed a rock on the body, so even if Whispering River flooded as it often did, the body would not float away.
No comma in between “his” and “black”. Sentence beginning “Known” is a little messy and needs a tidy, I am unsure of what you were trying to say.
He then walked calmly to his car which he dumped into the lake just east of the river and picked up his red corvette and drove back to Little Whispington where he saw the red police lights and the C.S.I. and stopped his car, as he was flagged down.
This bit is a little rush, take us through a chase scene, tell us how he got flagged down, how the lights blinded his eyes that were still filled with the ghost of his prey etc…
"Sir, this is a crime scene, you cannot cross." said Amanda, the head C.S.I.
"But I..." the man began, but his face became suddenly shocked, "Crime scene? What happened?"
"A man was murdered." Amanda replied.
"That's too bad." said the man.
"Sir, what is your name?" asked Amanda.
"Jonathan. Jonathan LeMarx." he said.
"Well Mr. LeMarx, where do you live?" Amanda asked.
"On 334." Jonathan said pointing to a blue house on the corner.
"Ok sir, you may cross." Amanda said, lifting up the yellow crime scene tape to let him go through.
"I hope you find the killer." Jonathan said with a smile before he left.
"Thank you sir." Amanda said.
"Though I doubt you will." he said, once out of earshot.
When using speech you do it in this format:
“Hi James,” said Fred.
You use a comma and then end speech and then who said it.
For the second chapter I like how you tell Johnathons story, although Jonathon is a little bit of a common name.
Overall well done, I liked the story and look forward to the next instalment.
Points: 1106
Reviews: 614
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