It started as a drip in my head,
Only by sight and sound believed,
It was a crush, but as time went on the drip
rushing water flowing down my body
into my heart, It stopped my thirst for change and become
my excitement and joy. Taking long walks to clear my mind helps,
but the empty space is filled with memories mainly of us and quite
laughter. I remember countless times of looking at you hoping
you would look back. I know it was stupid, but it was when we both would smile and turn away is
what i craved. So yes it started at my head but soon you made it to my heart.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello! Cello here!
Really interesting work. I know the feeling when a little crush turns into a lot more. You did a beautiful job putting it into words.
Spoiler
There should be a period after 'believed', not a comma.
You should have a comma after 'body' and a period after 'heart'.
I think you're looking for 'quiet laughter', right?
You need a comma after 'you'.
Throw in a comma after 'yes' and after 'head'. Also, 'at' should be 'in'. Your head isn't really a location or time so 'at' doesn't work here.
Spoiler
'But as time went on the drip rushing water flowing down my body'? That makes no sense. Maybe you were saying 'as time went on the drip grew until rushing water was flowing down my body'. Honestly, I don't know, but I trust you'll fix it.
'when we both smile and turn away is what I craved'? Maybe you were trying to say 'I craved the moments when we would both smile then turn away'? Again, honestly not sure, but I trust you'll edit.
Spoiler
It's hard to see in the quote but you have an extra space before 'rushing'.
Again, an extra space is between 'excitement' and 'joy'.
Unneeded space alert... again... (between 'both' and 'would')
Capitalize that 'i'!
Tenses are super important too, and they help the flow along and show that the writer knows what they're doing.
'Become' needs to be 'became' as this entire poem is written in past tense.
Again,past tenses is needed. Make 'helps' into 'helped'.
Is->was
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
This is a gorgeous poem that makes me smile and cry thinking of how my life has gone like this poem good job
I wrote this for Xandyr nash it is my real feelings
It is a really good poem I wonder why? lol
I think you should write some more on your feelings. It makes the work able to relate to.
I think you should do some more work that truly expresses your emotions. It might help if you look at my work. I'm glad you joined the sight you'll get lots of inspiration. all i can say is your format is incorrect and instead of "become" it should have been "became" good luck!
Thank u Enfilcted
i will