Published May 20, 2013
A loud rumble came from Nate, he was laughing at my weakness. “She doesn’t like you, no one does. You’re too weird, even the teachers don’t like you.” He said while digging his fingers harder into my neck.
Gasping for breath I said, “Please, I can’t breathe.” I bring my arm up to his and tried to pull it away. He let go when he heard a teacher coming. I rubbed my neck.
Ouch. He could have chocked me!
When he was about to walk away, I slammed him into a locker. I saw shock cover his face, but he replaced it with a smirk as he shoved me back.
“Watch it, little emo.” He said and strutted off.
I went to the address that Riona gave me. I was careful not to be seen by Nate. Riona was waiting for me out the front. We set the trap for Nate.He saw me with Riona in the living room with their parents. He gave me a nasty glare.
“Ugh, I’m going for a shower.” I had to cover Riona’s mouth before she gave it away. He glared at me again and walked up the stairs.
After having a conversation with Riona’s parents about school and what I want to do, we all heard a scream. Her parents laughed, looked at Riona and shook their heads.
“Again? Really!” her mother said trying to settle herself down. Riona’s face went pink and she looked away.
“RIONA!!!” Nate screamed in horror.
“I should probably go now.” I said awkwardly. I quickly said goodbye to the family and got out of there.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello There.....
(I'm going with the first one.) Okay, I am starting to see less and less plot holes. In the beginning of the second chapter you said that paper airplanes(I believe) were being thrown at him, and I was looking at some of the reviews and they said "how could a teacher not notice that!!", I can see why, now. Nate says in the beginning of this chapter that the teachers do not care about Andy, henceforth, not caring that anything is being thrown at him. *claps* Moving on, in these few sentences....
Almost done!!! Part three of my review!!! To start off......those spaces again. Either you are excited that you thought of such a great story and you wanted to get it all down or either you messed up and backspaced to many times....
......It seems like to much is going on in this one paragraph. I would take at least the first two sentences and describe them so much that they become their own paragraph......understand?(I sound confusing just reading over my own review!!)
Watch your spaces. You're missing a lot of them in this one. There should be a space between words and after periods. I know you know that, so why aren't you reading these over and making sure you've got that? It's simple enough to do.
Aside from that, some hero he is. He's going to just leave here there after doing that to her brother knowing he's abusive and angry? That is a serious character flaw buddy. All in all, I think you still need some more descriptive language. What do they look like normally? Does he have red hair? brown? Is he a football player? What about Riona? What does she look like? There are too many elementary questions that need to be answered, and why didn't we see them put the dye in the shampoo? It would have really given the story a kick to get that much suspense in there. Instead, you gloss over it, and don't even show us where the bathroom is, or what the house looks like. I'd much prefer glossing was kept to a minimum of uneventful walks instead of eventful stuff getting glossed, such as the bullying in class, and putting in the dye, or the conversation he had with the parents, that would have been interesting too! More detail, less gloss.
This is the part that I like most because Nate gets what he deserves at last. Again be careful that there are some linked words.
However there are some problems in the story telling here. First of all the paragraph that starts from "I went to the address" is way too short and could be developed so much more. It's just too short for so many actions, it's like you're doing a summary.
You need to slow down a bit, tell us how they met in front of her house, what did they say to each other, how he gave her the paint, how they prepared the trap, introduce to us her parents maybe even a small physical description. What was their reaction when they saw how Andy looked like. These things matter a lot.
Also their actions are contradictory at a certain point. At first they talk to Andy and their daughter about their prank and they laugh when they hear Nate's scream. But then her mother says "Again" like she didn't know anything. Or was she only pretending so as not to make Nate feel too bad?