Young Writers Society

Afternoon & happy review day!
I really like the way you introduce to Andy even though I had no idea he was a boy or a girl until someone said his name!

I like the way we are able to look into his thoughts too. This is a good way to develop him and set him apart from your other characters.

I have no idea what snake bites are by the way - unless they are actual snake bites haha.

The only think I can say in terms of critique is that I wish it was longer! You could have added a lot more description when Andy was being beaten up by Nate. Maybe even add a little blood or bone cracking in there!

I also think we could have had a better description as to what Riona looks like & what her and Nate's positions in the school are. Popular, bullies, library goers? etc.

Good luck! And feel free to check out any of my work if you have the time.
THANKS!

Hello There...........

This is my part one of my review.......the other parts are on your other chapters. I like the story you are telling here. It's good and the first paragraph sounds a lot more like a diary entry rather than the first chapter of your story. I like the way that you included his thoughts in the story so we, as readers, could get an inside look at what he is thinking as these events are happening. Welp.......that is all for this chapter, just some adjustments here and there and it should be good.

This story could use some more descriptive language. For example, you say Andy is getting beat up, but I don't know if Andy is a boy or a girl until Andy is called Buddy. Also, you are involving stereotypes, like Emo, but you don't assign them to the other characters in the story. Is this because the main character avoids thinking of Nate as a jock or because you don't want to be accusatory? Sometimes the best way to handle these situations is to completely go for it. If he's getting called names, then why isn't he calling other people names? Typically it is not a one way street. Also, as much as I'd like to know what Nate looks like, or the girl for that matter, I'd really love to know what the speaker looks like. He says he looks emo, but does he have his bangs over his eyes? Any piercings to get caught by Nate? What exactly does he look like? You can do this by adding in things like Nate kicking his ear and the piercing bleeding, or the black paint on his nails getting chipped, little things. You also should attempt to not explain things to your reader, but just keep your reader involved in the story. The beginning paragraph really needs to be cut down to what's going on in the story. What does our main character see, hear, feel, smell? Is someone doing biology experiments today? Drag us into the world like we're walking beside him. That's going to give the reader more interest in what is being written.

Hello winterbites,

I had read all the chapters of you story and now I will try to say something about each one of them.

I like the way Andy introduces himself and to be honest I am a fan of the first person narration so you got me with that. I also like the way Andy's thoughts pop out from time to time.

I'm really interested to find out just why this guy, Nate, hates him and how can he be so violent without anybody doing anything about it. And the amount of violence itself makes the story a bit unrealistic, at least for an European reader.

The dialogs are a bit empty and I'm sure that you can improve a lot because both Andy and Riona seem sensitive and thoughtful characters who could have more interesting dialogs as the average teenager.

One last thing that I want to say is the "Yes" when Riona asks him to meet her at lunch should be put at the end of the next line because otherwise it get confusing as to who thinks that.