“Stop!” I screamed, as the guy with blue hair pointed his gun down at me.
A low chuckle came from his throat. He pressed it harder to my jaw.
“You think I’d listen to a boy like you?” he spat.
“Cause we are friends.” I cried out.
“We were.” He said coldly. “Until you did this to me, she loved me, but you had to come along and boom she is falling head over heels for you!” His voice rising to a higher pitch.
“I can’t help that she fell for me.” My cold hard voice broke near the end of my sentence. I felt the hot tears run down my cheeks.
“She never loved you, she used you. Anyway she is dead and gone now.” I could see the satisfied look on his face in the dimness of the light.
“Because you killed her!” I yelled out at him. Regret coved his face, he quickly hid is by a smirk.
“It doesn’t matter how she died. She is dead now.”
“I thought you loved her?” I asked weakly.
“Love hurts, buddy. Deal with it.” I could see the pain on his face.
“I let her go. I told her ‘we can’t be together it’s unfair to my best friend.’ I told her Jace. I told her.” I started sobbing; I could still see her face from when I told her. She was devastated.
“You did?” he said loosening his grip on my neck.
“Yes!” I screamed, “I did.”
“You did.” He lifted the gun off my head. “I’m a horrible person,”
He raised the gun into his mouth. Shaking madly he lifted his fingers to the trigger.
“I’m so sorry.” He cried. I reached for his arms. Mine wouldn’t move.
“No.” I shrieked over the gun shot. He lay on the floor with a puddle of blood spilling out around his blue hair.
“Why?” I screamed out at no one, “Why.” I said crying into my blood stained hands.
I picked up the gun from where it fell to the ground. My hands shaking from the cool air, I lifted it to my chest, deciding to pull the trigger or not...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya, Winterbites ^-^
Since you're like, my only friend here, I thought I'd check out some of your work lol
Knowing you aside: this was actually extremely entertaining lol A VERY curious way to start out, so much so that it draws everyone in from the beginning. Props m-.-m
As far as grammar goes there were a few tinny tiny things, but
I honestly can't give you any advice whatsoever aside from grammatical mistakes. Other than that keep writing. You have a very unique piece here and you obviously have a very personal style of writing.
Cheers m-.-m
Catnip~
Thanks c:
It makes you truly think about life now don't it.I had two good friends who ended that way and it makes you think.The darkness is only one side and you made it very clear to some with blind eyes why would never see the way Jace and the other guy did.My question for you though,a sweet dark angel seems to hang above the boy holding the gun now,will he pull that trigger and end it all? Or will he live for all three of them and show the world that you can make yourself stronger even with the hardest pains?
That, is to you imagination .c:
But, in mine, he lives and meets a beautiful girl, that is worth him.
This story was really depressing and dark. I like these kind of stories that actually make me feel something. I really enjoyed the suspense that was going on throughout. It was intriguing. Although I thought this was a nice little story, I think you could make this into something more. Perhaps this could be a prologue and you can tell us the real story, before all this, now. It's up to you because I totally get "the mood" and then all of the sudden you find yourself writing all this dark stuff.. And when you look back upon it, you're like, "Woah..." Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, it might be hard to find the groove of this writing again, so it's up to you. I would read it though.
This is only a little bit to the full story.c:
“We were.” He said coldly. “Until you did this to me, she loved me, but you had to come along and boom she is falling head over heels for you!” His voice rising to a higher pitch. ---- “We were.” He said coldly. “Until you did this to me. She loved me, but you had to come along and boom!...she is falling head over heels for you!”
*You don't need to add the line his voice rising higher...the exclamation mark do its job.*
My cold hard voice broke near the end of my sentence. ---- My cold hard voice broke at the last word. (either do this or something else..but end of my sentence...change it.)
I felt the hot tears run down my cheeks. -- I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.
I yelled out at him. --- I yelled at him.
Regret coved his face, he quickly hid is by a smirk. --- Regret covered his face, but he quickly hid it with a smirk.
“Why?” I screamed out at no one. --- "Why?" I screamed, though no one was to hear my scream now. My best friend was dead.
*like this, it sounds better and carries the emotional weight.*
Well, first the scene kept my interest, though it was hollow at times..I felt no mercy or anything for the guy who killed himself, for he came out as a fool. First, he didn't talk to his friend, then when his friend shouted in fear the things, he believed and killed himself. It doesn't happen like that.
Though, the ending was a quite good cliffhanger..work on it..it rewrite it and make it more logical and emotions should not be absent from the writing, so it sounds off.
Hope my review helped!
I was in a mood..