The Day I Met a Werewolf

Hey there! I'm here to review your story. I've been called a harsh critiquer, so don't get scared by all the nitpicking I do.

winterbaby wrote:The Day I Met a Werewolf

My parents and I are spending the summer at the Poconos. They thought it would nice to be here for two and half months. I can’t believe I will be living in the trailer instead of being at home where all my friends are and where my big house is. I meancomma don’t get me wrongcomma I love the mountains but only when were up here for just a weekend. So I guess I’ll have to find something fun to do.

You changed tenses here; you need something to indicate that you've switched from present tense to past.
It was the first full day and I awoke to the smell of eggs being cooked by mom in the kitchen. I walked in wearing my SpongeBob Squarepants pajamas. New paragraph. “Good Morning sweetheart, how was your sleeping arrangements?” asked Mom. I was sleeping in the back room where the bunk beds were. New paragraph. “Oh mom I just love it, sleeping on the top bunkcomma or period what fun,” I said sarcastically. Mom turned around to look at me. New paragraph. “Come on honey, you’re going to have a great time,semicolon or a new sentence who knows, maybe you will meet some new friends”. Period goes inside the quotes. I just rolled my eyes to her statement. New paragraph. “Where is dad”? New paragraph. Then sShe turned to look out the window. “I think he is still reading the paper on the porch”.

I got up and headed to the door. “Wait, don’t you want some eggs dear?” yelled Mom. I just shook my head no and then went out the door. New paragraph. Dad was sitting in a beach chair on the grass part of the ground which is next to the stoned driveway. I walked up to him and said “hey dad I’m bored, there is nothing to do”. This whole sentence reads really hurriedly. Also, you need to watch punctuation. New paragraph. He pulled back the paper to look at me. ”Don’t give me that crap; we have been here for only one day”. New paragraph. I rolled my eyes again and said “fine whatever”. "Fine, whatever." is the correct way to write it. After that little talk with him I went back into the trailer to watch TV. The past couple days were like this but on Friday the most amazing thing happened.

It was about twelve "noon" would be better, unless you're talking about midnight, which I doubt, and if you are talking about midnight then you need to make it clear when my mom walked into the living room. She found me lying on the couch watching some show on DisneyChannel. I had a bowl of barbeque chips in my arms and a coke on the table next to me. New paragraph. “Honey what are you doing”? Remember, punctuation goes inside the quotes. I turned to look at her and said “what does it look like I’m doing? I am enjoying my summer break”. You can use conjunctions so you don't sound so formal; "I'm enjoying my summer break" sounds more like something a kid would say than "I am enjoying summer break." She gave me a look and then I got off the couch, put my food down and said “fine I will go for a walk through the woods”. "Fine, I'll go for a walk in the woods." You need to make this character really believable. She smiled. New paragraph. “Just don’t get lost and get back here before dark, okay dear?”. I nodded my head and waved goodbye while walking out the door. There were so many paths into the forest behind our trailer. I picked the one on the far left and started my small adventure into the woods.

Ten minutes into my walk I kind of got tired. “Man I’m way out of shape, getting tired after ten minute[color=#0000FF]s,[/color]” I said while wiping sweat off of my face. While walking a little bit farther into the woods I noticed there was an open space dead ahead. I walked right into it; there was just a big circle of grass surrounded by trees and the path. “Wow this is so cool,” I said to myself. It was so beautiful, with the light from the sun shining right into the circle. I was walking around, not paying attention to the ground, when I tripped over a rock and fell on to my back. I sat up and shook some grass out of my hair and brushed off the dirt on my back.

Then from out of nowhere I heard someone start laughing. I got onto my feet and looked around, a little spooked. Then I picked up a stick that was lying next to me just in case it was some kind of weird animal. “Um hello, it is anyone there?” I said to asked the forest.

It was very quiet when all of a sudden I could feel someone breathing down my neck. I could feel my heart beating in my chest. In the one moment of my life I took a deep breath and slowly turned around. As soon as I turned around my eyes widened because I was face to face with a very strange looking girl. She had long black hair with brown highlights that was down to the middle of her back that had two big wolf-like ears, big brown eyes, and even a big, bushy tail and sharp black nail or should I say claws. Whoa whoa whoa, this sentence was way too long and you're inundating the reader with too much information at one time. Let them digest the little details. “Hello there” she said to me. When she said that, I jumped back and fell over the same rock as before onto my back again.

I was speechless, and couldn’t hardly breath,semicolon all that could come out of my mouth was "hi." She smiled and stuck out her hand to help me up. New paragraph. “So I’m guessing you don’t like standing that much, do you?” she said while laughing. Haha I like this line. New paragraph.I looked at her and said “well I do kind of fall a lot, new sentence here. hold up why the heck are we talking about me, you’re the one with the tail and big dog ears”. paragraph. She smirked then smiled. “I’m sorry let me introduce myself” she said while sticking her hand out so I could shake it. “My name is Amaris Mingan, what’s your name”? Paragraph. I shook her hand and said “my name is Nicole Mockingbird”. Paragraph. Amaris giggled. “What kind of last name is that”? She crossed her arms. Paragraph.“Wait, don’t change the subject what are you” I asked, still in shock. Paragraph. She giggled again. “Isn’t it obvious”? She pulled her ear and showed me her tail again. “I’m a werewolfsemicolon or new sentence here. well more like a she wolf, half girl and half wolf” said Amaris.

I learned so much about her in the past two months. How she became a werewolf, where she lives and just all about her life. I still see? her twice a month whenever my family and I go to the Poconos. Our friendship has really progressed but if you want to know how our friendship did that, well that’s a whole other story in itself.

Great start

You need to work on the structure of your story,

I found some grammatical errors...

ex.

(They thought it would nice to be here for two and half months.)

Though a spell check could probably clear that up.

There are some unnecessary words like "then" that you used a lot as well.

Not a bad start, and this has potential to be a good story.

Hi there! I will be reviewing your work today. Basically, I will do a few nitpicks and then do some overall commentary at the very end. Hopefully you will find my critique helpful, however I must warn you that I am going to be brutally honest. Please don't take it personal. Well, onto the review!


My parents and I are spending the summer at the Poconos. They thought it would nice to be here for two and half months. I can’t believe I will be living in the trailer instead of being at home where all my friends are and where my big house is. I mean don’t get me wrong I love the mountains but only when we're up here for just a weekend. So I guess I’ll have to find something fun to do. You change from present tense to past tense. In this paragraph you're using present tense by ending words with ing, like spending and living. In the next paragraph you use past tense by using words like was and awoke. Try to stick to one tense, as it can get a bit confusing and disrupts the flow of your story.

It was the first full day and I awoke to the smell of eggs being cooked by mom in the kitchen. I walked in wearing my SpongeBob Squarepants pajamas. “Good Morning sweetheart how was your sleeping arrangements?” asked Mom. I was sleeping in the back room where the bunk beds were. New Paragraph.“Oh mom I just love it, sleeping on the top bunk what fun” I said sarcastically. New Paragraph.Mom turned around to look at me. “Come on honey you’re going to have a great time, who knows maybe you will meet some new friends”. New Paragraph.I just rolled my eyes to her statement. “Where is dad”? New Paragraph. Then she turned to look out the window. “I think he is still reading the paper on the porch”. You need to start a new paragraph everytime a new person says or does something.

Then from out of nowhere I heard someone start laughing. I got onto my feet and looked around, a little spooked. Then I picked up a stick that was lying next to me just in case it was some kind of weird animal. “Um hello, is anyone there?” I said to the forest. I've noticed that you use then a lot, and you don't need to.

I was speechless, couldn’t hardly breath, all that could come out of my mouth was hi. She smiled and stuck out her hand to help me up. “So I’m guessing you don’t like standing that much, do you?” she said while laughing. New Paragraph.I looked at her and said “well I do kind of fall a lot, hold up why the heck are we talking about me, you’re the one with the tail and big dog ears”. New Paragraph.She smirkedthen smiled. “I’m sorry let me introduce myself” she said, while sticking her hand out so I could shake it. “My name is Amaris Mingan, what’s your name”? New Paragraph.I shook her hand and said “my name is Nicole Mockingbird”. New Paragraph.Amaris giggled. “What kind of last name is that”? She crossed her arms. New Paragraph.“Wait, don’t change the subject what are you” I asked still in shock. New Paragraph.She giggled again. “Isn’t it obvious”? She pulled her ear and showed me her tail again. “I’m a werewolf well more like a she wolf, half girl and half wolf” said Amaris. I think this scene has serious potential, but you kind of just skimmed over it, which was a bit disappointing. First off, you contradicted yourself in the first sentence. You said the protagonist was speechles, yet she was able to say hi. Secondly, I'd like a lot more emotion from Nicole upon the appearance of Amaris. I mean it's a werewolf, not exactly a commonplace thing. Is she shocked? Afraid? Maybe she thinks she is dreaming or hallucinating. Explore these emotions.

I learned so much about her in the past two months. How she became a werewolf, where she lives and just all about her life. I still her twice a month whenever my family and I go to the Poconos. Our friendship has really progress but if you want to know how our friendship did that, well that’s a whole other story in itself. This was probably the biggest disappointment. I figured this was the beginning of a novel, not a short story. I felt like the ending was a great let down. You told us about the friendship progressing and how Nicole learned all about Amaris, when I would've liked it if you had showed us.

Overall: Overall, I thought your story has MAJOR potential. When I was reading it I was imagining all of these great adventures you would have Nicole and Amaris take together. Which is something you could still do. In fact, I really hope you do. I think what you really need to work on is your dialogue and your descriptions. Many of the scenes feel choppy and unrealistic because you don't take time to describe the setting, the characters emotions while in that setting, and because the dialogue feels forced. For the dialogue, I suggest you listen to every conversation you can. Listen to the way your parents talk, listen to the way you talk to them, go to the mall and listen to conversations in the food court. Write down as many conversations as you can. This will greatly improve your skills at writing believable dialogue.

My other suggestion to you is to check out the awesome writing resources available here on YWS. Here are a few articles that have really helped me improve my writing and I think they might be helpful for you as well. Check them out.

Dialogue Punctuation
Show and Tell
Basic Character Development

If you need any help or have any questions, feel free to PM me. Please keep writing!