Don't Let Me Fall

I thought it was odd that my bed was very uncomfortable. My room was so cold and drafty. I started to feel around myself. All I could feel was hard, cold ground. That made me sit-up right away. Then it came to me, I was not in my room at all. I was in a dark forest. Fear washed over me very quickly. The cold wind brushed through me, giving me chills down my back. I felt around my body, to see if anything was wrong with it. Something was wrong. I was wearing a white dress, that stopped at my knees and I was barefoot.

“I have to get out of here,” I said loudly.

Deep in the forest, a low howl came into hearing range. Then footsteps started coming towards me.  That made me froze in my spot. Whatever was coming, it was soon approaching me. I screamed. There in front of me was standing, not a person or animal, but a black figure with bright glowing eyes. The figure started towards me again. It showed its grayish claw coming out of the darkness. The figure was trying to grab me. I got to my feet and started running.

I screamed.

“Help, help, someone help me”

I could feel the forest’s cold and wet floor beneath my feet as I ran. As I ran, the figure ran. He was chasing me, trying to capture me. I turned around to see how far away he was from me; he was only a few feet away. That is when I tripped on a rock and lost my balance. My head hit the ground so hard, the side of it started to bleed. I tried to sit up but when I turned around again, the figure was right there behind me. The claw came out to grab me again.

“NO, PLEASE DON’T”

I felt the sharpness of the claw grab my neck. Darkness was over powering me. He was sucking the life out of me. It was hard but I had to turn my head. I tried to face the figure, so I could look my killer in the eyes. When I turned my head, I awoke from my sleep. My whole body was sweating and I was breathing deep.

“I -it must have been a nightmare”.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
DiskElemental
Review

This is kind of a mess.

Let's start with your opening paragraph:

I thought it was odd that my bed was very uncomfortable. My room was so cold and drafty. I started to feel around myself. All I could feel was hard, cold ground. That made me sit-up right away. Then it came to me, I was not in my room at all. I was in a dark forest. Fear washed over me very quickly. The cold wind brushed through me, giving me chills down my back. I felt around my body, to see if anything was wrong with it. Something was wrong. I was wearing a white dress, that stopped at my knees and I was barefoot.

Your voice is, well, wrong. I've read more than my fair share of creepy pasta, and the key to engaging the audience is getting them to project on the character, and making the story seem plausible. You choice of voice is making that really difficult. People connect with other people, these short, clipped, sentences, with just the barest description don't sound like someone speaks. People elaborate, they ramble on, they make the story seem alive. Who are you listening to that speaks like this?

“I have to get out of here,” I said loudly.

no, No, NO. Who's she talking to? If she's speaking to herself there's no reason for her to shout. If you're alone in a room would you shout "I'm thirsty, I need some water!" Probably not. Try: "My first thought was to get out of there as quickly as possible," or something like that.

Deep in the forest, a low howl came into hearing range. Then footsteps started coming towards me. That made me fr(ee)ze in my spot. Whatever was coming, it was soon approaching me. I screamed. There in front of me was standing, not a person or animal, but a black figure with bright glowing eyes. The figure started towards me again. It showed its grayish claw coming out of the darkness. The figure was trying to grab me. I got to my feet and started running.

Again, who speaks like this? You're draining all the tension out of the story by making your narrator sound like a robot.

I screamed. - - - - - - - - - - ->|
“Help, help, someone help me” V (The "I screamed" should be after what she screams.)
I could feel the forest’s cold and wet floor (this description is good) beneath my feet as I ran. As I ran, (You used "as I ran," twice an a row, that's sloppy.) the figure ran. He was chasing me, trying to capture me. I turned around to see how far away he was from me; he was only a few feet away. That is when I tripped on a rock and lost my balance. My head hit the ground so hard, the side of it started to bleed. (gah) I tried to sit up but when I turned around again, the figure was right there behind me. The claw came out to grab me again.


If I continue, I'd only be repeating myself. The idea is a little generic, but not terrible, however your execution is bad. Horror stories need to be emotional, they need to be vivid, and most of all, scary. Your choice of tone, and lack of description, drains all of these things from the story, leaving it a lifeless husk.

But that can be fixed, when I write horror I imagine the situation then describe it in as much detail as possible. After doing that I'll show the description to someone else, then see if "see" when they read the description is similar to what I see, if it's not then I re-write it.

User avatar
StoryWeaver13
Review

Okay, so this has potential, but it needs substance.

Some stories can be short and edgy. Others need time. This is one that would really benefit from additional details in order to make it unique and interesting (after all, how many stories have you read about nightmares? A lot). To make it something fresh you have to come at it with a unique angle. As far as grammar goes, you have some pretty consistent errors. Sentence structure is poor, and without that it's hard to really put life into your story; you tell rather than show, and doing the opposite will seriously improve your writing.

And add details. If it's going to be short, every word has to count. In this case, though, details would really help out.

Keep writing!



Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables