Days are gone.
Days of happiness and joy
When we used to play around and enjoy
When we shared our memories and dreams
We used to dream big
Talk about family and babies
How big everyone wanted
We were very happy
But something,or I can say someone torn us apart
They torn us into pieces
They broke us into pieces
Pieces which can't be easily repaired
Pieces which no one can amend
All the lies were told
They were spread between us
To separate us
To ruin everything we built and achieved
But I hope everything will be OK
That oneday things will go back to normal and you will be mine
And forever be mine.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
So this was a poem that was wrapped up in itself in the sense that it doesn't explore any other poetic devices and just does a lot of telling. The rule, "show don't tell" applies to poetry as well, and this is something that turns into a ramble more than anything else. Something that would help this is to broaden your vocabulary on words. Another thing I suggest doing is adding punctuation to the poem as the flow is choppy in what it's trying to get across.
So the poem doesn't really do anything new with its concept. It's about being torn into pieces and then some cheap romance at the end of the poem. The reader doesn't have a reason to care because they don't really get to do their part, which is interpreting and putting their feet in the shoes of the poem to experience it for themselves. There's no reason to be emotionally attached because there's no weight behind the lines, no imagery to accompany the theme.
What I mean by the poem lacking imagery is the fact that it doesn't really describe anything. This is something that helps make the poem yours and puts a personal twist on it, but you don't have that here. It helps define your emotions better than just saying emotion words because not everyone thinks of the same thing when they think of the word sad, same for happy and mad or anything of that sort. Use your personal experiences, use metaphors and similes to help get your message across. Instead of just telling us the message, show us the message. Don't shove it straight down our throats, let us digest it amongst other things.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Hey, winny
Impressions: Simple review for a simple piece. I thought it was okay. Definitely a lost love poem. Of course, you have to remember that probably more than fifty percent of all poetry written is exactly like this. It's people's favorite topic, for some reason, which means it's very competitive. I'm not sure that this one would stand up with the rest of the crowd.
Whenever you repeat a word several times, you better be prepared to defend it with some power lines that drag those words out of their redundant grave and bring them into new light, which is to say, you have to really pump out some deep stuff to force the reader to pay find some meaning in the words. They have to be there for a reason.
I would say that's what I think that this piece could improve in the most, is helping me, the reader, to find something more than just face value in these words. It's not bad, it's just, too simple and not enough pizzazz. You could try to apply "show me, don't tell me" a little more by building some description into it, and I think that would help a lot.
Overall: There's not necessarily much to really be excited about here, but there's not really anything that's too bad.
I give it:
Hello there, Winny!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^
A lot of the phrases used in the poem are incredibly choppy and don't connect very well with each other. The transitions from one line to the other line are incredibly choppy. This could be partly due to the lack of punctuation or stanzas to separate any two thoughts from each other. Some thoughts carry out into another line, some thoughts are only present in one line, and it's very hard to tell when a thought ends/begins.
The poem is cliche and doesn't present anything new to poetry. The whole "broken pieces" thing that you're working around is something done to death, and it doesn't satisfy the reader when that's the strongest asset of your poem. You should try to experiment with imagery a little more, and come up with stronger phrases. The lack of poetic device makes the poem very bland, so there's a lot that can be added into the poem.
It'd either be "has torn" or "tore" in both of the times you used it. "Someone torn us apart" doesn't make very much sense.
Add a space between "one" and "day". Then change "nomal" to *normal.
Overall, one of my main suggestions is to clarify what you're saying. Some use of punctuation could help, although this is optional. Try to not be so repetitive and keep track of yours thoughts more neatly. Something about this poem makes me think it was either poorly edited or rushed through. If it was poorly edited, try to edit it yourself to the best of your abilities before sharing. If it was rushed, it's okay to spend a little bit more time on things.
I hope this review helps you out! ^-^
Thanks, it helps a lot .