i curled my fingers
dirty with fear
around u
u were glowing. i
tried to cover your light
from spreading into my darkness. i
tried to cover your light
from spreading into my blackened soul
but ur quirky smile, ur laughter, ur sweet smell
surrounded me pitiless
their glorious rays struck me up. i
was awaken in your brilliant flame.
My world burned
no ashes would linger
and your light warmed my shriveled self
and your light warmed my soul. i
had awaken in this world again
u won your battle.
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140,916 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
I rather enjoyed this
I wish i could write stuff like this, all my work is boring compared to this haha
I am in a rush, therefore I do not have much time to write a big review, but I thought there was something in need of saying. You used very overused words in poetry, like darkness, recoiled, blood, light. Try staying away from those words, and your poetry will be fresh and original.
You should also try branching out from that dark to light type of poetry. It is very cliche. Try writing about that grey area, if you know what i mean
Hiya winie! Let's get down to business...
~Ideas~
Interesting idea with the pendant, because it gives way to more of a story that's waiting to be told. It was very imaginative, very compelling. I'd like more of your imagination though, because I feel you have more to offer.
~Flow and Imagery~
I got a decent picture from your description, but the problem is that it just doesn't fit together. For example:
It took me a while to realize the pendant was... er, glowing, right? You never give any indication of why, though. Don't leave your reader hanging like that, because every piece of literature has to tie up all the loose ends before its conclusion. Otherwise you have readers thinking 'Wait, what?' and you really don't want your writing judged by just that. Bring it all together in a nice clean fashion. Only let readers leave your piece questioning it if that's your best intention. If so, make it striking.
Explain this part. Why did you prevail because the pendant had won?
~Nit-Pickiness~
'Burn' should be 'burned'. Change 'awoke' to 'awoken'.
I see no reason for that comma to be there.
Make this into two stanzas, because it sounds awkward.
~Overall~
I enjoyed reading this. Short and sweet, but I believe you could add on to the length. Try adding depth to the story, add in some emotional ties to things like characters or something to relate to, and clean up the loose ends. Also, the part towards the end started to get a bit choppy. Watch your flow and beat while writing and editing.
Fix all that and it should sparkle. ^_^
Have a question? Want a review? PM me and I'll be happy to help!
~Selene
Ohhh, I liked this! I really did. I wish I could write this way
I wouldn't use the word recoiled in this instance. You already bombard the reader in that line with many compound words. Keep it simple. Try a word like withdrew; it gives the same idea of what you were talking about, fits the flows, and is simple but complex at the same time.
Perhaps considering changing the second one here with prevailed or truimphed... adding some variety to the conclusion of the poem because the hook and conclusion tend to be the key factors on keeping a reader interested in your work.
Other than those little things, I have no other suggestions! Amazing little piece, I love it and I'd love to read more of your poetry.
I'm tennis, by the way. I will do a review for you anytime you like, just let me know!!
Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed it.
8.5/10
~ TP!