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Young Writers Society



Ms. Little Lila

by winie603


It was a hot week threw July and I noticed nothing more then a fly pass me. I had been squeezing lemons all after noon for the party. Everyone was coming from all around the world I would like to think, but no just some relatives and a bit of close friends. My birthday was about maybe 4 weeks ago and I had received a pretty pink dress that I hated. No one could understand that I hated "girly" clothes. Mom would obviously make me put it on.

I was hoping I could escape and go to the park with grand dad when he got here but just writing that in my journal seems awkward. I heard my brother's foot steps as he smiled at me happily. He was enjoying his hard worked relax time. He had gotten best grades from out of no where and here he smiles almost laughing looking at me making my hands more and more tired.

"Okay, Max what do you want with me now?" I said angrily putting my hands to my waist. He chuckled,"A simple request, make me a sandwich and make it ham and cheese". Oh now was I stirred up in three of a kind terrible moods. One. angry, two.furious and three. mad! Oh I madly took out the ham and then the cottage cheese mom had just bought from the Grocery store and a loaf of bread and a butter knife. For about a minute I cutted the whole loaf into to little bite-size pieces and took more then half away from Max because this loaf of bread was supposed to be for the party.

Probably now it could only feed certain people. I had a stain thought feelings on ly the important people so that our family can gorow important also. I gulped hoping that wouldn't happen and to think just for a loaf of bread! I got out of my day dreams and started cutting the ham and cheese and putting a splice of each on each bread. I gave him a fresh cup of milk and said "Don't think your eating dinner at the party Max, I'll report to mom you already ate almost half the loaf of bread with ham and cheese and a mug with fresh milk. He ate everything leaving some of the milk and left for me to clean his big fat mess up.

I started to pack the dishes in the sink when I heard a faint noise seeming to be in close distance though. I looked out the kitchen window. By now everyone should be at our house cellebrating New Year. it was 7:00 PM. Everyong shoud've been here half an hour ago. It wwas already starting to get dark. I really didn't like what was happening. The temperature outside was almost about 13 degrees. Extremely cold. Then I hearad a bigger noise. A sound of water splashing and people's foot steps getting closer and closer till.... the door was open and I was to scared to even look...

To Be Continued...


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Points: 890
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Sat Jul 28, 2007 11:07 pm
TheDreamDay wrote a review...



Hey, did you ever post this on some other site? Maybe on Gaia? Cause I'm shure I've read that somewere before...
I liked this piece, I loved the cliff-hanger ending. There are a few spelling mistakes but the people above me have already pointed them out.
The only thing is I think the main charecter could be a bit better developed. I know it's just the beggining of the story, but after all it's in first person, so we should have acess to her deepest thoughts. Besides that, I found it really good.




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Sat Jul 28, 2007 4:50 am
Flemzo wrote a review...



For ten years old, this was pretty good. I didn't start writing until I was in 8th grade (I would've been 13 or 14), but I'm sure if I had something from when I was ten, it would probably be worse than this. I like what you're working with.

Granted, I didn't read the whole thing (baseball's on TV! It's hard to concentrate!), but what I read was good. Just a couple of things:

  • "Afternoon" is one word, as is "granddad", I believe. I could be wrong.
  • I was told this by my Composition teacher last year: "If you're using numbers, the general rule is, anything that is ten or less should be spelled out." That being said, "4 weeks" would look much cleaner as "four weeks".
  • Overall, I would check your grammar rules. The better grammar you have, the more professional your writing will look. I would also clean up some of the descriptions. They seem a bit informal, but with a bit of tightening, you can work wonders with it.


Seriously, good job. Just tweak it a little bit, and you could be even better.




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Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:00 pm
nickelodeon wrote a review...



Well, i'm really interested now. The ending sounds like something exciting is about to happen, which I honestly hadn't expected when i went into the non-fiction forum.

I was a little confused, and i had to read it twice before i understood it. I think proofreading would greatly help this. Make sure your words aren't slurred together, check for quotation marks, simple stuff like that. I'd be happy to go through and nit-pick everything for you, so if you're interested, just pm me.

Your conversations are very good. I can really picture someone saying these things. It all sounds very natural, so very nice job.

Waiting for more...

=)




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Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:37 pm
Jasmine Hart wrote a review...



I'm impressed! This was vivid and honest. A couple of minor grammar/phrasing points, which I can point out if you like, but this was very skillfully written for your age. Are you seriously 10? Max's character was well developed for such a short piece, as was your own.One minor point- would people really be celebrating New year's in July? :D Looking forward to seeing what happens next.





Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
— Niels Bohr