Mr. Mad Mood

"Honey, why did you have to pain the deck pink, It's a mess!" said Mr. Adams. Everyone calls him by Mr. Mad Mood though because he always was so picky and of coarse mad! But not in a bad way more of a amusing way. But sure did Mr. Mad Mood get just a bit annoyed when someone addressed him to that name. "Sweet pums, I thought you would adore it!" said Mrs. Adam while scrubbing the dishes furiously.

Mr. Mad Mood did not very much want to get a temper tantrum so he gently took the news paper from the kitchen table and leaned back on the couch. "What a nice day to just take Andrew and Alicia to the park. Of coarse Mr. Mad Mood knew they were thinking differently since they were still playing with their new toys they got from granny at Easter celebration.

Mr. Mad Mood fell asleep quickly and put the news paper over his face. He was dreaming about tomorrow being the day after tomorrow being the day yesterday and a week ago when it was Sunday and abut 4 years ago when he was playing and laughing with his children Andrew and Alicia but that didn't happen in quite a long time but he wanted it to be now

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User avatar
RandomTalks
Review

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was an interesting story, except I kind of did not understand where you were planning to go with it. You had a good start, albeit there were several typos and grammatical errors, but then it felt as if just like Mr. Mad Mood fell asleep, the story too went to sleep on its own accord.

I think what you can do here is really expand on the text, so that it feels like an actual short story and not just an excerpt taken out from a story. Right from the beginning, you claim that people call Mr. Adams as Mr. Mad Mood because of his unexpected volatile moods and his temper tantrums. Here, instead of simply giving us the reason and telling us to accept it, maybe you could show it through some incident or something that happened to cement this belief in people's mind.

What a nice day to just take Andrew and Alicia to the park.

From the first part, Mr. Adams feels like a rather sweet person, a caring and loving husband and father. He makes plans to go out with his children and it shows that he enjoys spending time with them as well. However, from this scene we also learn that he is a really forgetful person as well. He loses attention very easily and his mind flits from one topic to another. For example, here he grabs the newspaper but gets distracted and falls asleep with it on his face instead.

Aside from the several typos and errors already pointed out by Writerdomain, this story lacks a substantial content to keep the readers invested in it. You have to add more emotion to it, so that people can actually care about the character and his story. If there is not connection, then people do not have any reason to stay with the story. Building this connection can be difficult, especially in short stories where characters always stay with you for a temporary amount of time. However, if you focus on giving him a distinctive personality and actually explore his thoughts and emotions through actions and dialogue, people will get intrigued by your dynamic character and they will be more engaged in his story as well.

Here, we meet Mr. Mad Mood, but we do not exactly know him or care about him. He just enters the frame and slips out as easily, without making a lasting impression that actually stays with the readers.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

User avatar
Writersdomain
Review

Hey there, Winie!

Much better spelling here, hon. Thank you. :D There were still a few errors, but it wasn't as bad. Here's what I'll do. I'm going to go through this and correct a few spelling errors, highlight a few things, give you some suggestions, a quick summary and then let you do your editing thing, kay? :wink:

Crossout and bolds are either spelling or grammar
Green is suggestions for omission
Red are things I will talk about later

Honey, why did you have to [s]pain[/s] paint the deck pink, (should be ?) It's a mess!" said Mr. Adams. Everyone calls him by Mr. Mad Mood [color=green]though because he always was so picky and of [s]coarse[/s] course mad! But not in a bad way - more of [s]a [/s] an amusing way. [/color]But sure did Mr. Mad Mood get just a bit annoyed when someone addressed him to that name. "Sweet pums, I thought you would adore it!" said Mrs. Adam while scrubbing the dishes furiously.

Mr. Mad Mood did not very much want to get a temper tantrum so he gently took the news paper from the kitchen table and leaned back on the couch. "What a nice day to just take Andrew and Alicia to the park. Of [s]coarse[/s] course Mr. Mad Mood knew they were thinking differently since they were still playing with their new toys they got from granny at Easter celebration.

Mr. Mad Mood fell asleep quickly and put the news paper over his face. He was dreaming about tomorrow being the day after tomorrow being the day yesterday and a week ago when it was Sunday and abut 4 years ago when he was playing and laughing with his children Andrew and Alicia but that didn't happen in quite a long time but he wanted it to be now


Spelling Notes:

Coarse means something is rough. Course is a path someone takes, but it is also used when saying 'of course'

All the green things are things I would suggest taking out because they sound awkward.

As for the red - I am going to give some tips now.

1. Telling

You have probably heard the phrase "Show;don't tell' before. Well, I am going to repeat it.

Everyone calls him by Mr. Mad Mood though because he always was so picky and of coarse mad! But not in a bad way more of a amusing way. But sure did Mr. Mad Mood get just a bit annoyed when someone addressed him to that name


Here you tell us tht Mr. Mad Mood does not like his name and that many people call him it. While this is good information, I would suggest you set up a situation - a scene, if you will - that shows the reader these things. You could write a scene about Mr. Mad Mood getting mad at some kid for calling him Mr. Mad Mood. You can show us why he is called that. Think of all the fun things you can do with this! This goes for a lot of writing, so keep it in mind.

2. Emotions and Character Development

Much of this comes with experience, but I suggest you start learning some character development skills. The one I am going to talk about right now is the inclusion of emotion.

He was dreaming about tomorrow being the day after tomorrow being the day yesterday and a week ago when it was Sunday and abut 4 years ago when he was playing and laughing with his children Andrew and Alicia but that didn't happen in quite a long time but he wanted it to be now


Here you tell us what Mr. Mad Mood is thinking about this is a perfect opportunity for including emotion and developing this character. Think about how much cooler this would be if we knew what Mr. Mad Mood thought about what would happen tomorrow with emotion! I don't expect you to grasp this at this very moment, but think about how to include emotion in your stories; you will learn in time.

For these types of things, I would suggest you just keep writing and that you snoop in the Writing Tips section and look at some stuff. Keep writing and a nice effort here. PM me if you ever need anything. :wink:



The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain