it wasn’t four mornings that day,
it was three
Three.
the sun had peaked and light shunned
but there were only three windows to be shunned
one had fallen
one had met its story
had met its peak
and life is only life
when stories are finished
you close the book,
a silly book,
and forget
this is the story of
the four mornings
this is the story
of realizing that books
aren’t just books
that behind one thing,
could be a story to be heard.
this story is just a story though
and life is just life.
* * *
This is a little poem I wrote about the novel I'm writing. It shares the title for my novel. I wrote it in minutes, so it's probably really sloppy, but I'm interested on what people will think about it. PLEASE CRITIQUE!
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Winnie,
I enjoyed this poem quite bit. Though it was rather simple and I have little to go by, I'd say you have all the necessities to continue writing good poetry. Your use of the word 'shun' at first made me feel I was going to be disappointed, but I was beautifully surprised when you reused it. If you did mean 'shun' instead of 'shone' though, you would have said, 'shunned.' Also, it's 'three windows were' and not 'was'. I did not like "My story is just a story", though, and would personally prefer, "This story is just a story." Even if the narrator is in first person, it would be nice to have a storyteller's introduction effect.
Never stop seeing words in the light that you have portrayed them here. The depth, intended or not, was enough to make me interested and it definitely serves as a good way to start a book. Great job, winnie. And thanks for the read.
The Plant.
Hmmmm, this has the potential to be pretty good if you do some serious editing.
First and foremost, although your rhythm is fairly okay, it could do with shaping up.
For example, this line:
"when stories are finished you close the book and soon realize"
Is three times longer than most of the other lines in the rest of the poem. It would be better if you broke it up into 2 or 3 lines. Otherwise it's weird to read.
Another thing is "shun." Yes, shun is a word. The first time you use it, it kind of makes sense, but the second time:
"but there was only three windows to be shun"
Doesn't make sense at all. First, it would be "were only" because your talking about three windows, and secondly, you can be shunned, but you can't be shun. Did you actually mean shown? Or are the windows being shunned? It isn't clear at all.
Those were just some of the most obvious things that I saw. This will be quite good, with some editing, as I said before.
~Reddy