Young Writers Society


18+ Violence Mature Content

just a little fanfic I've been working on. I've been stuck so i would really appreciate feedback

by wilsonsimpkins


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

Hiba blinked, the fear that vibrated his core was long gone. How many months ago did he arrive? Twelve months or was it fourteen? It was no use resisting he learned that the first time the guards came in. He learned not to resist due to the magnetic restraints that prone him in the air. He learned not to resist due to threats against his brother.

Even after that, there was a downside, the pain had grown dull. His back no longer screamed when a sharp nylon cord scraped against his back, his sense of pain was a numb tingle that did not care to warn him when he neared his demise, he never did but it was a comfort, something to fall back on. Now he was left with a strong desire for emotion, a thudding headache, anything to numb the ruminations that replaced his agony.

The most terrifying thing the young fox had ever encountered was his own mind. For its cruelty surpassed the guards, the Sirens, or whatever hellspawn put him in here. For his ruminations would be with him until his death. They were untraceable and omnipresent at the same time and hunted him with the ferocity of wolves, and like wolves, they attacked him with similar ferocity. Each day they came closer to catching him, feeding on every ounce of emotion and wringing them out like tears, but so far, their quarry had remained elusive.

they assaulted his psyche, tearing down his retorts and maiming his sense of reason. Eventually, he would have no defense, and he would give in. Then the dreams came, piercing him through the soul, stealing away any hope of sanity. Even now as he tried to quiet his thoughts, the nightmares tortured him from the other side of his prison door. They invaded his every moment, tormented his every thought, tortured him with memory; he could feel it all now. The way the teeth sank into his neck and cut off his oxygen supply. He could smell blood, dirt, filth; his nostrils burned. He tasted metal on his tongue, hot cold burning wet; how was this possible? Was it real?

When he closed his eyes, everything swirled and changed shape, they ran together, too much movement for him. Was this pain acceptable, and manageable, and would it ever change? This dream was layered like an onion and laden with deep complexities and when the swirls stopped and the dark silhouette of his room dawned on him, he wished the nightmare would continue.

He looked down, he was in his bed on the IJN Amagi. He let out an exhausted sigh as he got ut and began to pace around his room, making sure that no one was awoken by his rambling. As soon as his fears were quelled he grabbed his head, it was throbbing and buzzing. He dropped down onto his mattress and exhaled deeply, letting out a pitiful whimper, the sound reverberating throughout his room.

The fox had managed to put himself back together before Nagasaki had to wake up, or at least enough to make it look like he had slept the entire night. He was exhausted, and he knew it was only a matter of time before his friend noticed something was wrong.

He had been having these episodes since he got on board the IJN Amagi, and each one seemed more terrifying than the last. He desperately wanted to tell Nagasaki about it but knew that doing so would only worsen their already strained relationship. He was dealing with his own problem, why exasperate them?

Still, he could not help but feel helpless in this situation. The only thing he could do right now was wait for the next episode and prepare himself for when it came. He went about the rest of the night as if nothing was wrong, when Amagi checked in on him he simply feigned sleep only to return to his pacing and ruminating.

He thought about leaving the IJN Amagi– surely the ocean was more merciful to his misgivings– but then again he would rather not be alone. But even being with people didn’t guarantee anything; after all, no one knew what might happen at any given moment and everyone dealt with their own problems in different ways.

He clenched his jaws shut and closed his eyes tightly as a tear rolled down his cheek. It did not seem like there was any end in sight to this torment that held him captive day in and day out until finally, mercifully, it passed again…This was the eighth time this had happened in the past week and he still hasn’t told Nagasaki– he believed it was selfish to do so. He was dealing with his own problem at the moment, why exasperate them? He sighed as he lye back down in his bed the hoplessness again drowning im.


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Fri Jan 27, 2023 2:04 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there! Lim here with a review. I’m just going to focus on the ‘character’s mind’ aspect you mentioned in this work’s summary, since this seems to be a piece of internal monologue and there’s not enough here to discern the plot, character goals, etc.

General Impressions

The atmosphere of this piece definitely feels very lonely. I can tell the main character Hiba feels like he doesn’t have anyone to turn to and no help is available for his situation. The way his mind/dreams are described sounds very otherworldly. I’m not clear if the hunting imagery is meant to be taken literally or as a metaphor. At the moment, it feels like it could be both, since we know the character is being held captive somewhere.

Descriptions

While reading this short extract, I enjoyed some of the individual descriptions. For example “fear that vibrated his core” was interesting because it compares fear, an emotion, to a sound/movement. I don’t think I’ve seen this comparison made before, so it drew my attention. Also, “This dream was layered like an onion and laden with deep complexities” was another interesting image, especially when you continued it with the “swirl” description. Expressions like these give the narration a poetic feel and also create the fearful atmosphere. I personally enjoy that type of flair to the writing from time to time, though it can get a bit heavy and distract from the plot if overused. For example:

Each day they came closer to catching him, feeding on every ounce of emotion and wringing them out like tears, but so far, their quarry had remained elusive.


The main sentence here already seems to be metaphorical (the dreams are being compared to wolves) but then there is a further comparison (emotions to tears) within it. And tears don’t immediately link to wolves to me as well, so it’s doubly heavy to figure out.

Character

I think the main idea to consider here is the way Hiba’s “ruminations” are written. I can’t really get a sense of who he is reading those paragraphs. It kind of feels like they could have either been a lot shorter, or that they could have been clearer in content. For example, I mentioned that while figurative language and description can be interesting to read, they can also be obscure in some contexts:

For his ruminations would be with him until his death. They were untraceable and omnipresent at the same time and hunted him with the ferocity of wolves, and like wolves, they attacked him with similar ferocity.


At this point, I know he has ruminations and nightmares, but no idea what he’s ruminating about, since it is summarised for me as this long extended metaphor. Usually in stories, a character’s inner thoughts would maybe be represented in italics, like maybe ‘They’re going to get me, Hiba thought’. In your piece, I see that the thoughts are bothering him but I don’t see the thoughts themselves, which makes it harder to understand the context of what’s going on in Hiba’s mind at the moment.

Maybe what you’re aiming to do is only to hint at what he’s dreaming about to give that ‘horror beyond words’ effect. In that case, I think the context would still need to be established – maybe with a line saying that Hiba couldn’t remember exactly what fearful things he was going through because they were so terrible, or that he couldn’t articulate it and didn’t want to think about it. That would have helped me understand what was going on a bit better, if this was your intention.

Overall

I think a scene like this would build up tension in the story. My guess/ expectation is at some point Hiba is going to have to tell Nagasaki what’s been going on with him, or his lack of doing so is going to get him into trouble. My main suggestions in terms of revising the scene (if that’s what you’re planning to do) would be to clarify the context of the dream descriptions.

Hope this helps – let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific!
-Lim






thanks



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Sat Jan 14, 2023 2:03 pm
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ShallowHouse says...



Hello, there! Shallow here for feedback!

Not gonna review, since this is clearly an unfinished work.

First of all, these big blocks of text... What you've written so far has told me these: Hiba has some form of trauma, he's in the IJN Amagi, he has someone close to him named Nagasaki, and something about Sirens doing something bad to Hiba, Nagasaki and Hiba have a bad relationship, and Hiba wants to leave the ship.

In 11 blocky, bloated paragraphs, you've told me 6 things, and that's just exposition in the third person view of an unreliable narrator who wants to keep everything vague.

Too much exposition and not enough activity going on. You can let Hiba do something before delving deeper into his past. Let him wash his face and describe what he looks like when he examines himself in the mirror. Describe the dank and depressing room he's in and if he has a bunkmate, what his unnamed bunkmate is like.

There are infinite ways to explore a character's past other than memory and exposition! Let them talk to someone about it or have them make audio or written logs. Don't double down on adjectives and long-winded sentences. It can bog down or even flat out bore the reader. Sometimes short is better!

This fanfic, what is the source of this? It feels like from an anime or a Ghibli.

Anyway, I hope my feedback helps! Looking forward to what the final piece looks like!






huh ive been wondering about that its just that so I need to describe more than what he is feeling thanks.





also also its for a fandom called azur lane



ShallowHouse says...


Ah, yes! The mobile gacha game with anthropomorphized ships! I know that one. Yostar! I used to play Arknights so yeah. I bid you good luck on your fanfic!




how can i live laugh love in these conditions
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