Dust clouds fill the streets.
Screams fill the once calm air.
People run for their lives.
Loved ones gone missing.
Many wounded.
Most of them lay dead.
Hands waving for help.
Life crumbling,
brick by brick.
The towers came down,
many are now sick.
Shivering in fear,
help came to late.
Some decided death was their fate.
The fell from above,
like apples from a tree.
September eleventh,
this is your memory.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey there!
So, it was a really good poem, but it kind of gave me the feel of an Eminem rap xD Now, I agree with the person above me, you haven't got proper use of puntuation. Like, here, I'll give you an example:
This entire part was only filled with fullstops. It. Was. Like. Reading. It. Like. This. Annoying. Yes?
How about you try changing it to:
Dust clouds fill the streets#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">And screams fill the once calm air.
People run for their lives#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">And loved ones gone missing.
#FF0000 ">So many wounded#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">And most of them lay dead.
#FF0000 ">They were hands waving for help.
Now, I know I've added some words here and there, but that was only because I thought the flow would go better that way, but you don't need to write it that way. Put your own twist into it.
I hope this helped!
-TMuffs.
Okay.
I don't have many emotions because of it though so I couldn't seem to bring any out. I am was young to remember anything more then parents coming to take their kids out of school that day and my brothers and I still there. My friends mom was crying and I wasn't sure why.
So quoting Robert Frost "No tears in the writing, no tears in the reader."
I know what your trying to get at here.
Thanks for pointing it out to me.
I'll try harder on bring out those emotions next time.
Sighed,
Will.
P.s I am not the greatest speller.
It's a nice dedication to the tragedy that is 9/11. I very much admire that you paid your respects through writing.
Now, to go more in-depth... I don't necessarily agree with some of the passive words you used, but hey... it's your take on the event. Who am I to object?
Anyway, about technicalities. If you were really looking to jerk some tears, I think you could have done well with imagery or metaphors. Or even use some more of the similes. But I think those are just more my preference in regards to poetry. I guess all I mean to say is that it could have gone more in depth if you wanted it to have more of an overwhelming feel. Lastly, be aware of typos and punctuation. That's it.
I like this poem but I think you can extend it a little more. Like there is so much to talk about so I think you could make it longer but other than, I like it.