Prologue
The wolves howled from the wooded depths of the Terracordula Mountains, as a circle of strange creatures began to gather. In the middle, a raven with a menacing beak waited. The moon slipped behind the clouds throwing the animals into darkness. The cloud passed, light poured onto the spot where the raven had been, but instead of a raven a tall, black haired man with eyes like caves, claws at the end of his fingers, slim muscular legs, and ferocious fang-like upper teeth stood there. He opened his arms and said “Children of shadows, become your human forms!”
The beasts in the circle changed one by one. A cobra became a sinuous man with long hair that flowed back like a cobra’s hood and hooded eyes. The Nile crocodile became a lady with hooded eyes and teeth that over lapped each other in a mismatched pattern. A vulture became a bald man whose neck stretched forward and bent. The manticore became a man with a ragged beard, grizzly hair, and massive clawed hands. A towering bronze dragon was a lady with talons for fingernails and flared nostrils that smoked even though she was in human form. The Minotaur became a muscled man with a big broad face. As more animals and legendary beasts transformed into humans the raven-man began to speak “It is time to turn the tables. The Spirit Switchers have made a mess of this world. It is time that we all fulfilled our destinies and rid this planet of the regular humans, who could not possibly understand animals; the humans who treat animals, the most precious gifts the gods gave our world. It is time, we will strike the humans, and crush the Spirit Switchers who banished us from our common homeland, Liberthymos. We had as much a right to our content as they did. It is time. We will strike the… ”
He was suddenly cut off. A horse gleamed red in the night as it charged at the circle of monstrous beings. The raven man leaped into the air as his followers became their animals and faded into the night. He came down next to the horse as it spun, kicking. Again he leaped into the air, but this time he cried to the horse, “We will not be deterred easily.” Then he transformed in mid-air and flew off into the dark woods.
The mare’s eyes gleamed with frustration as she walked back over the hill towards the pasture where the other horses slept.
A wolf howled in the distance as the cool summer night wind rattled the window. I pulled my quilt tighter around myself. My thoughts went out to the wild things, which ran so free. My cares seemed to float away as I thought of running free in a pack powerful, strong and united as one under the pale moon. Then a sudden chiming went off. “Curse that clock! Why does it have to chime at midnight, when I’m lost in a simple fantasy?” I thought fiercely. I flopped down on my bed with a grunt. Then I restlessly got up again and headed down stairs toward the kitchen. As I passed the mirror in the hall, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something strange. I scurried back. There was nothing special about the slender 11 year old girl with curly mouse brown hair, light brown eyes, and pale freckles that appeared in the mirror. The wolfish features that appeared there must have been a trick of the light. I continued out to the kitchen and absentmindedly continued past the fridge and put my shoes on. I paused, “Why in God’s name am I putting my shoes on like I’m going out side?” I asked my self critically.
“Neeih!” our horses screamed.
I jumped out of my skin and raced to the door. I wrenched it open as a snarl shattered the night. My heart raced, my favorite mare was out there! I sprinted to the pasture where the horses were gathered in the center. Pausing out side the gate I picked up a rock to use as a weapon. Buckstar, our stallion, was plunging and kicking in front of the mares. My eyes traveled around the field for the intruders. Off away from the others was our wild one, a hard-willed Arabian mare, Hildia. Then I saw a crouched figure near the fence. It walked sneakily towards the mare. I held my breath. Then, as the mountain lion crept closer, our mare reared and plunged down at the cat with lightning speed. The mountain lion swerved away from the plunging hooves and snarled. It leaped onto the back of Hildia. Fear gripped my heart. I charged towards the battling pair. At the last possible moment I hurled the rock at the mountain lion. The rock made contact with its side. It turned, its luminous yellow eyes flashing, as it leaped towards me. Then, I lost track of all that was happening.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
ello dear
Just after 'howled' I think it would be perfect to put some description about how they howled, and how their songs mingled with each other. Like how they sound.
Also you should describe to us what Terracordula Mountains look like, how big are they, do they have clouds around them, can you see the wolves on them? What time of the day/night is it.
Paint us a picture.
In the middle... Of what? Describe what the wolves look like, how they are standing/sitting, what they are doing.
What's the raven look like, describe the beak, its feathers, size, estimated age, what is it doing besides waiting? Is it pacing around? Tell us.
You need to make us exited, make us think... Make things mysterious. Put more description into everything.
Drag things out and take your time.
You are plunging into this to fast, we haven't connected with anything or anyone yet and this story is beginning to loose my attention.
I never new that there where other animals, you need to tell us more about the surroundings. I thought it was just a bunch of wolves.
You mention hooded and hood a few times here, maybe you could switch up the words a bit.
This is a list, not a paragraph, you need to give them descriptions on what they are doing, maybe one turns towards another and watches it transform, maybe small children are playing. Make it interesting.
If he is being cut of it should be like this:
We had as much a right to our content as they did. It is time. We will strike the-”
This is choppy and hard to read. I find it hard follow what form he is in at what time.
This should be its own paragraph.
This should be in italics if this person is thinking it.
what was she/he doing before?
This gives everything away. I can already tell that she will transform into a wolf one day, you might want to make that a little less obvious.
How does she know its a mountain lion? Tell us her feelings, what she is thinking.
The last bit os very confusing and hard to read.
This peace was very hard to read and has lost my attention. It needs more description and character. You need to work on it and stuff :p
Sorry I can't be more help but I have to go, if you would like some help feel free to PM me.
Good Luck,
Gwen
Hey wildnaturespirit! How're you doing?
.
First, a formatting issue or two: paragraphing. Please, please, please paragraph your work. There are guides on how to do this, and you can look at others' work to get the idea of how things should look on the page. If a reader sees your huge, meaty paragraphs, they will be put off.
Also, you switched tenses half way through. The first paragraph was written in the 3rd person (he/she said, etc), but in the second paragraph, you adopt the 1st person (I said, etc). This is confusing and quite a strange thing to do. Either separate the two sections more clearly (e.g. by making one the prologue and the other the first chapter) or change them both to the 3rd person.
Now, three main points:
1. Description of the setting
I think we're left to our own devices here. I haven't got a very clear picture of your setting. I know what the characters look like -- you've actually done a fairly decent (if clumped together) job with them -- but I can't see the scenery around them.
What does the house look like? What does the yard look like? Why can't I picture the pasture in my mind?
The information doesn't need to be all written down in one section, but you can slowly give us the important information as the reader needs it. You need to add a fair amount more if you want the reader to understand what you're talking about.
2. The Main Character (MC)
Ok, so you appear to be writing in 1st person. Great, but you will need to concentrate on feelings now. In my opinion, you don't give us enough information about your MC. Sure, I have a brief description of her, but I don't have much information about her personality. You can tell the reader this by your MC's reactions to situations. When she runs out to the pasture is a good example, but I don't understand why she's up in the first place? If the alarm went off, why didn't she go back to bed? Try to make this clearer.
3. The beginning
This won't surprise you, but beginnings that show the evil people plotting their evil deeds are terribly cliché. How many times have you read that in the prologue of a book? Tonnes. I'm not saying you should scrap it, but maybe it would benefit being later in your book. You want your opening to hook the reader, and I think the second paragraph here (with a bit of polishing) will do fine. No one reads prologues anyway
Conclusion:
This wasn't a bad beginning. When you clear up your paragraphing issues (PM me if you need a link to some helpful guides) and work on your descriptions, this will actually be quite good. Now, the idea of humans turning into animals is not original, but the way you've show it is intriguing. So, the humans resemble the animals they turn into. Do their personalities also resemble that of their chosen animals? Can they change into other animals? Can anyone turn into an animal? All these questions will need to be answered in the later chapters, but for now it's good to keep the air of mystery. When you rewrite this, I'd like to see more description and more thought for the characters. If you continue with the 1st person narrative, you'll need to concentrate on how the MC feels, reacts and views things.
Good luck, and if you have any questions then don't hesitate to PM me.
Charlie
Again, hooded eyes. Try something different, for variety.
seeing the trend, here? A group of sentences all starting basically the same. The descriptions themselves are fine, but the starts get a bit monotone, like you are writing a list.
became their animals? it sounds like they own animals, and somehow became them. Maybe animal forms would be more appropriate?
Heh, reminds me of a kid's book. "Quack" said the duck, and so on... I would just put - Our horses screamed. Lose the "neih"
Plunged is used twice, quite close.
Also, I don't particularly like your last line. It sounds like something I do in class. Still aware, but lost track, you know? But I'm assuming you mean she was knocked out.
But apart from that, I liked it! Maybe just break it up into paragraphs, just for the ease of reading and critiquing. Good luck in your story, I'll have to read the rest! ^^