Chapter 1
“Last day of school, Fern. Wake up!” came Dad’s voice from the hall.
Sunlight was pouring into the room. I shoved the covers off. It all must have been a dream. It seemed so real though. Anyhow, breakfast. The smell of fresh bacon woke me up totally and completely and the thoughts of my dream vanished like fog as I was hit with the scents of breakfast. I descended the stairs, passed the living room, and looked into the mirror. For a split second a wolf appeared there, the same as in my dream. Then I was the same girl with very messy hair. Again, the smell of bacon drove me on. It was quite odd because I wasn’t usually that attracted to meat, nor was my sense of smell usually that sharp. These thoughts drifted to the back of my mind as I sat down for a hurried yet complete breakfast. A mountain of eggs loomed over some greasy bacon. I piled eggs into my mouth. I shoved all the bacon into my mouth, bit down, and swallowed. All my food was gone in under a minute.
“Wow sis, a new record,” exclaimed my little brother, Bo, who was half way through his miniature breakfast.
“Yeah. Finish up and come help me feed the critters,” I said as I walked out the door.
The cool northeastern wind off the towering peaks of the northwest Terracordula Mountains blew towards my face as I walked towards the pasture. I took a deep breath as I walked past the stable where the horses where kept at night in the winter or in bad weather. This time of year, though, they were left out side to enjoy the weather. The air tasted clean and fresh. I opened the gate to the pasture and whistled. A few seconds later the herd of horses rushed over the hill towards the stable.
Hildia rushed out in front with the astonishing speed of a horse that was racing to win the biggest race on all of Terra. Her blood bay coat glistened in the sun and her black mane blew back. She was like fire on the hill. She raced past me with a powerful rush that brought a thrill of power and strength to my heart. I raced after her and let my heart pound.
I placed feed in all their troughs and went over to stroke Hildia. She looked at me with her big eyes and tossed her head excitedly. She seemed to be the only one who understood me, with the exception of my best and only friend, Sam (short for Samantha). Ignoring the rules I leaped up onto Hildia’s back and clucked. She sped out of the stable and raced back over the hill. Her muscles rippled with speed and power so that it felt like I was part of her fiery strength. We raced down to the brook, then turned back to the stable, the freedom of my spirit left me. We walked back into the stable and I slid down off Hildia’s back.
By the time I had gotten the horses back to the pasture Bo had finished feeding the chickens and was about to feed Sweep. Sweep wagged his shaggy tail as Bo laid down his food bowl. We both bent down and stroked the fluffy dog.
Finally I stood up and sighed, “Come on, Bo. We don’t want to miss the bus.”
“Hey, Sam,” I shouted as Bo and I headed down the hill toward the bus stop.
Samantha looked up from the book she was reading, leaped off the boulder that she always sat on, and waved. I hurried downward, leaving Bo to walk leisurely down the hill.
“So, are your animals being loaded?” I inquired.
“Yeah. Fern, I hate this moving business. I really don’t want to move to the Mutabilis grasslands. I belong here, with my friends, and the Terracordula mountains next to me. But Dad says land is so much cheaper in Mutabilis that we will be able to have more land and more animals. I don’t think it’s worth it, though. My whole life is here.” Sam said.
Until today we had carefully avoided talking about her moving. But they left today after school so there was really no avoiding it. The rumble of our bus’s engine met our ears and we picked up our lunches. It felt odd not to have a book bag but we only needed a lunch for the last day of school. We would without a doubt be having a field day.
“Last day of school,” stated our withered old bus driver as we boarded the nearly empty bus and prepared for the long ride to pick up kids and go to school.
“The day went too fast,” Sam wailed.
“I know. How will I survive middle school without any friends? I’ll miss you so much,” I whimpered. The school day had been spent outside. Most kids played, but Sam and I only talked. Her family would be leaving as soon as she got home. My only friend would be gone. The bus screeched to a halt at our bus stop and Sam, Bo, and I got off. I wasn’t totally prepared to say good bye to my friend so I made a quick decision to go see Sam’s family off. “Hey, Bo!” I yelled. He turned and looked back from where he was halfway up the hill. “Tell Mom and Dad I’ll be back soon. I’m going to say good bye to Sam’s family.”
Our feet kicked up dirt as we shuffled slowly down the road. I kicked a rock and it tumbled into the grass.
“I’m really gonna miss you, Fern,” Sam said.
“Hey, it’s not the end of the world, we can still be pen pals,” I stated as we turned onto Sam’s driveway. White fences stood on either side of us but no horse grazed. They had all been loaded onto trailers for their move.
“Come on, Sam. We need to get going,” came Mr. Peguse’s (Sam’s dad) voice from the truck cabin. He would be driving the horses and Sam’s mom would be driving the moving truck.
Salty tears dripped down my face as Sam and I said our last good byes. Then she ran to her Dad’s truck and climbed in. Rivers of tears rolled down our faces as the trucks went down the drive way. I waved until they turned and were gone. I was alone. I was friendless and my heart ached from the weight of it all.
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I have 6 chapters of this story written already, I just haven't reviewed enough to post any more yet.
The Prologue to this story is here:
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there.
This is a very mild story so far, quite light hearted for what I usually read. Hoever, I still enjoyed it.
I think, in order to improve, you need to explain things more fuller to your reader. The dream really intrigued me but it was quickly forgotten about. As a fellow writer, I know you probably return to it in later chapters however, other readers may not persevere with the book and put it down.
You need to grab interest to grab readers.
Another thing I am unclear upon is why the two friends can't se each other?
Other than this, very good. I like your dscription and the location is fresh and orginal.
Keep it up!
Louisa x
Sorry, I was working on revising this. But I got busy with school stuff. I hope to have it revised by next week, or I might just do it tonight.
Hi (sorry if some of the code and stuff is wrong but i've only just started posting), I read your prologue and I must say this is a definate improvement. Especially how you are using less adjectives.
But I just cant help thinking in some places you are not using enough:
But that is all the description of the place. If your going to use description at all you kind of have to use more than six words.
It seems a bit complicated don't you think. You have not described how Fern felt about it either. Was she confused, scared, suprised at the least?
All very short. Too short. See what I mean. It gets boring.
Repetetive
Repeat of eggs.
I've got to go now.
I must say I'm being very picky and it is from my point of view so don't take it to heart that you HAVE to improve those bits.
Hope it helped though. The story was amazing.
Fang
Hey there wildnaturespirit, and welcome to YWS. ( I have not seen you before so yeah.)
You might want to expand on the showing details of the room to create more of a mood. E.g: How was sunlight pouring into the room? Right now, this showing detail feels somewhat incomplete.
Having the "anyhow" gives too much of an informal feel to the piece. Having it is also irrelevant, as it does not flow naturally with the prose. You only used it for a transition which, in my opinion, does not work very well. I suggest rewriting it without the informality and keeping the flow of the prose.
Some points.
1. Totally and completely mean the same thing. Why repeat yourself?
2.You do not need to use adverbs in this sentence if you have shown it instead of telling as to how the smell of fresh bacon woke your main character up.
3. The sentence is a run on.
4. "Vanished like a fog" is a cliche simile.
5. How is the simile "vanished like a fog" linked with the current situation?
6. You used two similar words in the sentence (smell and scent) This lessens the importance of the words you've used and also causes repetition, creating a knot in your prose.
There should be a comma after the word "second".
This is rather sudden. I think you could weave some imagery into this sentence to make it more mind provoking.
Repetition of the words "smell of bacon".
Comma in front of the word "odd". The words "sense" and "smell' are repeated yet again.
Comma in front of the word "hurried".
The word "egg" is very closely used together, creating repetition.
This dialogue made me jump in a happy kind of way. It really does help in establishing a base in the relationship between your main character and her brother.
Nice work here.
This is a run on sentence. Telling the direction of the wind an the mountains just clogs the flow of the sentence.
The word "weather" is used very closely together. Again, this causes repetition.
Why did she whistled?
Comma in front of the word "later'.
You have already shown what Hildia looks like. This simile feels isolated with the prose. I suggest you find some way to make this sentence feel more connected with your words or else omit this sentence.
Comma in front of the word "rules".
Comma in front of the word "pasture".
The rumble of the engine met our ears, and we picked up our lunches. It felt odd not to have a book bag, but we only needed a lunch for the last day of school. We would, without a doubt, be having a field day.
Why have irrelevant adjectives to describe the bus driver? I would personally omit "old".
There needs to be more development leading to this dialogue. You've basically thrown an important piece of dialogue into our faces.
Comma in front of the word "friend".
Overall impressions:
This was ok. Main issues are:
1. Use of imagery
2. Repetition
3. Further character development
4. Some rigid sentence structure
5 Pacing
Firstly, your imagery isn't that well thought out in my opinion. You tried to use it, but you didn't capture the senses and the emotion of the setting and the environment. It does somewhat create a scene in the reader's minds, but it feels blandish. Use your imagery more carefully. Work in the five senses into them and try to work in some emotion with the imagery.
Secondly, you have a major problem with repetition. You use certain words twice and very close together, creating a sense of repetition. Repetition is a bad thing, and can easily bore your reader, and strip away the colour and emotion in your prose.
Thirdly, there needs to be some more character development. You have a firm base, but I didn't find your characters memorable or interesting. Try to develop them further. It will help add a lot more depth into your characters. For example: There isn't any elaboration on the relationship between the main character and the horse. It was non existent.
Fourthly, your sentence are rather stiff. I think it is because of your wording. It feels rough and doesn't flow very well. I think this is the major reason why I wasn't really interested with this piece. I had to force myself to keep reading this. Also, the way that you worded your sentences was somewhat jumbled. You don't have that "command" in your main character's voice. It was somewhat bland and as a result, failed to capture my interest.
Lastly, the pacing of the piece is just ludicrous. Scenes jump from one place to another without much elaboration or explanation. This causes certain scenes in your piece to not only feel boring, but it also strips away the importance and value of the scenes. This also links with my first point. Best way I can put it was that your piece felt rushed. It basically lacks substance.
I hope my critique helped.
Andy.