I wrote this a few years back for my language class when we were talking about WWII
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Schorching fire
Burning flames
The pheonix screeches
A trill of pain
Silence,
Ashes rain
Children cry,
Mothers weep,
Families splintered
Dreams turned to shadow
Hate,
Tears rain
Life emerges,
The future promises,
The pheonix emerges
Fresh as morning dew
Rebirth,
Hope rains
Evil halted,
Liberty sighted,
Freedom presents itself,
Garbed in peace
Liberation,
Optimism rains
Feathers ripple,
Wings spread,
The pheonix rises
Embers dance round the king of life
Elation,
Joy rains
Laughter rings,
Joy leaps,
The horror is over,
Evil burried deep,
Love,
Freedom rains
Free for now,
Prcesses repeat,
The pheonix will burn again
Death has wings,
Repetition
Reoccurrences will rain
Blind to all,
Blissful stupidity,
Human pain repeats for all,
Shadows will lengthen
Idiocy,
Will ignorance still rain?
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What do ya'll think?
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Canary word: Present
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Hey WNS! I'm gonna try to get all these critiques out today, and while I generally don't do poetry, I'll give you what guidance I can here.
I believe someone already pointed out the typos, so I won't bug you about that. Simple enough to fix. As for your pattern here... I really like it! I love how "Silence" has its own line, and with the comma, it forces the reader to pause for a moment. Very cool.
And here you break your rhyme pattern... Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, but if you start with a rhyme pattern, you should keep it the whole way through. Line 4 of this stanza is a bit wordy, too. Oh, and I see you're using commas now in the first two lines... Again, breaking the pattern. I'd leave them out.
The repetition of "emerges" needs to go. If you were trying to rhyme, you're now switching the rhyme to lines 1 and 3, instead of 2 and 4 as previous. I do like the image of the phoenix fresh as the dew... fire and water. Very cool comparison.
I do like lines three and four. And five, for that matter -- Liberation is such a cool word.
"Feathers ripple" is also a very cool image, and one that really seems to represent how I think of the phoenix -- it's a graceful, powerful creature, very majestic. Line four is too long! It's an awesome line, but introduces something new, "the king of life". Perhaps you can leave that part out?
Meh. This was a mediocre stanza. Joy is repeated from the last stanza, and I think the laughter and leaping joy are a bit too much. Yes, everyone was glad that the war ended. But there were still many injuries, both physical and emotional, and with the pain you mentioned earlier, I think it's reduced to relieved smiles.
I liked this stanza as well. Great ideas. Again, though, "Reoccurrences" is a bit lengthy, and my spellcheck doesn't like that word anyway, lol.
Again, the repetition of "all," and "Idiocy" is too close to "stupidity." I really like this stanza, and it's a very nice and powerful ending, but I think you just need to reword it.
Overall, I really did like the ideas you presented here. Just make sure that if you're going to start with a pattern, you stick with it through the entire thing. Also, you have a lot of simple words here that end up being repeated. Play with a thesaurus! I'm sure you can find some interesting words that suit the poem. It might be a tad lengthy with the repetition of "rain," but I do like the idea. I think that with a few changes, this is a great poem.
[quote="wildnaturespirit"]
Scorching fire
Burning flames
The phoenix screeches
A trill of pain
Silence,
Ashes rain
Children cry,
Mothers weep,
Families splintered
Dreams turned to shadow
Hate,
Tears rain
Life emerges,
The future promises,
The phoenix emerges
Fresh as morning dew
Rebirth,
Hope rains
Evil halted,
Liberty sighted,
Freedom presents itself,
Garbed in peace
Liberation,
Optimism rains
Feathers ripple,
Wings spread,
The phoenix rises
Embers dance round the king of life
Elation,
Joy rains
Laughter rings,
Joy leaps,
The horror is over,
Evil burried deep,
Love,
Freedom rains
Free for now,
Processes repeat,
The phoenix will burn again
Death has wings,
Repetition
Reoccurrences will rain
Blind to all,
Blissful stupidity,
Human pain repeats for all,
Shadows will lengthen
Idiocy,
Will ignorance still rain?
[quote]
I think I caught all the typos, so that's out of the way. The first stanza was great, I loved it. But I felt that, as the poem continued, the pattern got old. Actually, there didn't seem to be much pattern. It's almost as if you tried to keep a scheme with the number of syllables and such, but got loose with it after a while. Good attempt, but could use some revising. A more solid rhythm or such would help, I think.
MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~
I found the repetition in this poem a bit offputting, for example
It takes some thinking about to get your head around exactly what the phoenix represents, the concept of there being fire and the phoenix actually being destroyed by that is a little odd. The poem as a whole needs the reader to consider it though, which is a good thing. A poem with a message is always good. The "hate/liberation/elation" idea is interesting and the "will ignorange still rain?" is a touch cliche but the appropriate conclusion.
Also on the point about "rain". I don't think ignorance can "rain". It might take away from the pattern of the poem somewhat but I think you need to replace it with the word reign instead. Otherwise to me it doesn't make much sense.
An interesting read though, seeing that type of poetic structure is rare and pretty daring stuff.