His voice haunts me. No matter how far I run, how deep I try to hide away, or how hard I push him away from me, he seems to always be there. His words echo in my soul.
"If you were to dust my heart, your fingerprints would be the only ones found."
There was not an ounce of desire in me to be responsible for his heart. If anything, he was the one holding mine. He held it, but then he would let it fall with every glimmer of hope I sparked for him. He would show me a glimpse of something real, a feeling, an emotion other than hatred buried within him. A feeling one could almost mistake as love. But as quickly as it would come, that shimmer of light within his eyes would burn out. His eyes faded and his shadow was drawn, as if he was ashamed of himself for being human.
It is true, I was entranced by his very being. His aura of green, wild and lovely, captured my attention from the minute he walked in the room the night it had rained. But there was no mistaking the anguish in his eyes, the pain he hid away underneath his layers of arrogance and bigotry. He hid his love, his kindness, and his passions underneath his dark curtain of prejudice.
I had no inclination to hold his heart in my hands, but his fingerprints were the ones to grip my heart. And you would not need to dust it in order to see the bruises he has left.
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140,541 Literary Works • 673,411 Reviews
Insanely powerful. I like how instead of making it all about how terrible this person really was, you showed that perhaps somewhere he did care, but he was afraid. It was a lot more than just hate and abuse. It would need, almost, a deeper emotional connection to really pull the last of it together. Why was he afraid? Was she afraid as well? Who started what and why? There are so many unanswered questions there (though certainly not always a bad thing). Really great job!
Thanks a bunch!
I find this to be poetic and genuine. The emotion you're able to express in such a short passage is impressive, it's easy for the reader to actually feel the speaker's sorrow and the anger she went through during this relationship.
So here's what I think this is missing -- more embellished vocabulary. In what manner is he there? Is he following her shadow? Is he jumping up and down in front of her face? What does the speaker make of these words? How is the condition of her soul? I think you left a lot of room for expansion to show the reader not broadly, but more specifically how this speaker is hurting.
I really like this quote from the speaker's love interest, and the contrast towards the end where the main character says how she really feels. I also enjoy the speaker explaining she fell for this person because he kept giving her glimpses of something she wanted, and she held on for that, and I feel like that's something a lot of people can relate to in relationships, and not just romantic ones either.
I really like these closing sentences. Very powerful and does an adequate job of tying the whole passage together.
On a side note, I like the title -- it's both intriguing and fits the story itself well also. Overall a nice piece, thank you for sharing
Thank you very much! I truly appreciate the feedback.