z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

thoughts

by wildghost


The toiletry of the good which is unseen to the worlds and the shining bad which all notice and tend to point out, the silence is conquered with the presence of a bad lie while the noise abrupt on a good note. What is to happen and what tends to die are the ways of life that people force to know about, but the subtle work of effort is what fools us all, there are things that can be understood and things that are ignored from our understanding. The problem lies within us all but all tend to smile and share, the agony of something that is to be clarified is hidden in steep walls of pain and the sorrow that surround us is the fate we tend to hold on though we know the brutal reality. Thoughts of a blind mind sending vague responses to the sorrowful heart to encompass the feel of pain but tends to oblige to the fact of a fantasy, though once in a while the words of reality surface the shores, but the chaos of the people sink it in. though it floats on, it tends to feel burdened and slowly the waves tend to engulf and all that’s left is a full stop where no life can cross and the person trapped in delusion of hope and brought back to the surface.

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Points: 325
Reviews: 1

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Sun Jan 03, 2021 2:45 am
BoringTelephone wrote a review...



Hey! Here's my review of "thoughts".

I thought the message behind this was really interesting, and the language you've used to convey that is really out of the box. I felt it was almost a mix between poetry and a mini-essay, conveying intangible ideas in a fantastically abstract way.

I do think a bit more grammar here and there would've been great, sometimes it was lacking capital letters or could've done with more clarification or a comma.

I wish it was broken up a bit more, into two or three paragraphs, because it was a little hard to read. By the end, 'it' was lost to me. I wasn't sure what 'it' was, I think it might've been 'thoughts' but rephrasing or reminding the reader of that at some point would've been appreciated.

I really liked 'what is to happen and what tends to die..', I thought this was a really unique sentence and was so fun to read.

'Thought of a blind mind sending....' and so on was a wonderfully clear picture that really painted this picture of sorrow in a physical sense, but the sentence itself was really long, and although it had a good rhythm, it could've been broken up further.

'While the noise abrupt on a good note' was again, a great sentence to read. It really toed the line between nonsensical and descriptive.

Lastly, I loved the mix of simple and more complex words, although I think 'tends to' or its variants were a bit overused.




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8 Reviews

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Sat Jan 02, 2021 1:11 am
TheRandomWriter wrote a review...



Umm...
I don't really know what you were trying to say maybe something about a hidden truth about something that has to do with us in general, umm I don't really know.
You lost me like on the third sentence, you threw me completely off and I didn't really know what you were talking about.
Maybe next time you should slow down, maybe you were going fast and just typing what ever came to your mind, but you should let the reader know what's going on.

Saying you're talking about something deep and not saying the real thing that it is you were or thought you were talking about.
It's like you were stalling to tell me what these thoughts were about.





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