<no title>

Her arms were moving in quick, fluid movements, her hands taking a hundred different shapes every minute; it seemed like they had a life of their own, dancing to the music in her voice, as she recounted something that had delighted her. The pictures coloring her mind’s eye seemed to have transported her into a different world.

As she spoke, charged with pure excitement and joy, her body danced in a rhythm that she was so utterly unaware of. Every movement of her laughing lips made me smile with pleasure and the incomprehensible sparkle in her eyes teased me with only a glimpse of their hidden world. Her descriptions of the memory playing in her mind held her rapt attention as it delighted her again. She was so unconscious of her charm! So adorable in her innocence!

And whilst all that while she was immersed in her story, I was immersed in her. She captivated me.

We were on her terrace and she was sitting with her legs crossed, slightly turned towards me. Her wet dark brown hair, fresh from her bath, was let loose on her shoulders so that it could dry, instead of being tied up in her usual ponytail. She looked good like that. Maybe it's time I say something. I'd simply been staring at her for far too long and I'd rather she didn't notice anything. It was just too soon.

“You should let your hair down more often. Why don’t you?” I asked when she paused in admiration, her eyes on the snow caped mountains that she was describing. She had just returned from a trekking expedition to the Himalayas a few days back and she was thrilled with all that she’d seen. She couldn’t stop telling me how amazing it was.

“Uh?” she looked at me blankly, coming out of her thoughts. “Oh, I’m so sorry! Looks like I’ve been going on and on! And that too on our first ‘real’ conversation! Are you sure I’m not boring you?” she asked apologetically, tilting her head.

I looked at her wonderingly. Could she really think that she could ever get boring? She was the most interesting person I knew.

“Of course not!” I exclaimed. “You know that I’d tell you if you were boring me.”

“Yeah, but still, I’m talking a bit too much. It’s just that I'm finding it so easy to talk to you that I cannot remember to stop myself. Where are my manners?!” She looked down, a little irritated with herself.

“Thank you” I said, amused. “I think I’ll ignore the tone and take just the compliment.”

She looked up, “And you! You’re the one who should be talking! What do you think of Bangalore? How is your new house? How are you feeling about everything? Are you happy? You haven’t said anything!”

I smiled widely. Why did I like being with her so much? She had asked me the same questions when I arrived but I'd brushed her off and asked her about her trip. I had wanted to listen to her first; I had wanted to get used to being with her, get comfortable. But it seemed like she didn’t need to ‘get used to’ me. She was talking to me as if to any other old friend! Well, not that I wasn’t… but this was the first time we were actually meeting each other! Wasn’t she nervous at all?! And it seemed like I needed a few more days; especially since I hadn't expected to find her so charming.

“Oh, don’t worry. Now that I’m here, we have more than enough time to get fed up with each other’s company.” I said. Like that could happen.

She laughed. “Yeah, we do, don’t we? This is so cool!” She paused, looking at me with a smile, her black eyes twinkling. “You’re finally here.” she said softly.

I smiled back. Why does she like me so much?? Not that I thought that I was nothing before her or anything. I knew that I was pretty different too, a little like her, which is why we ended up being such close friends. We had a lot of things in common like our love for nature, adventure, risks, books, climbing. And we also appreciated what each of us loved separately. I knew that our common interests were what had drawn us to each other but I still couldn’t help wondering what exactly it was about me that seemed to give her so much pleasure. Common interests aren’t enough to inspire the warmth with which she’d said ‘You’re finally here’. I knew that the deepest connections in the world cannot be reasoned out, that something beyond our power to grasp fits together and creates a perfect harmony; but somehow it never satisfied me. I obstinately wanted to know exactly what made me so lucky.

“So! What is it that you were saying when you brought me out of my lovely daydream?” she asked. She finally seemed to have cooled down on wanting to squeeze every bit of information she wanted both of us to know about each other into the smallest amount of time possible.

“I was saying that you should let your hair down like this more often. You look good.”

“Yeah I know,” She pouted a little, smoothing her hair. "But my hair is too thick and bushy. It always tangles itself into an unmanageable mess and then I look horrible!”

“I’d love to see you look horrible for once,” I teased.

She rolled her eyes, smiling. “Look who’s talking.”

“I seem to be terribly blessed, my lady,” I mocked a gentlemanly half bow; “The Lord seems to have generously bestowed the object of my adoration with such beautiful malfunctioning eyes.” I teased.

She looked at me like I was being extremely pathetic. I could only start laughing at the expression on her face.

“Well, such a nice little speech deserves a little reward doesn’t it?” she asked mischievously. Then, like lightening, even before I could start wondering what she meant, I got smacked hard with her pillow.

I, least expecting anything like that, stupidly let it hit me right in the face. She was laughing as I recovered and looked around for another pillow till I remembered that she’d slept alone here last night. Yeah, I know; crazy sleeping on the terrace, alone or not. But that was her. I looked up at the smug look on her smiling face and dived to snatch the pillow. But she dodged me and then I felt the pillow hit my back. She was fast, I’ll give her that, but I was stronger and I soon had her on the ground and the pillow in my clutch. I had meant to smack her back but she sat up and was convulsed in laughter that had been threatening to engulf her since the beginning of the pillow fight. And I started laughing at her and with her.

She looked up after a minute, a little more in control and managed to get the sentence “that – was – fun” out while trying to choke down another wave of laughter that the attempt to talk seemed to have triggered. I couldn’t help nodding my head and laughing back.

“You know, when I was in hostel, we used to call that the ‘laughing sickness’” she said when we had stopped laughing, “It used to get hold of someone or the other and they couldn’t stop laughing! Seeing as it is contagious, at least one more of us would have caught it by the time the first one finished. We had so much of fun then…” She shook her head remembering.

It was such a pleasure to be able to see all her expressions right in front of me now. We had met each other on the internet and hit it off very well. We had been friends online for over a year now. But long distance relationships always have their limitations. I had wanted to meet her in person for so long, wanted to see how she moves, how she talks, how she responds in real life. And all of a sudden my dad comes home from work and he says that he is getting transferred to Bangalore! What were the odds? And so right after she left for her trekking, we shifted to a house which was but only 30 minutes of cycling from hers. How can that ever be thought of as a coincidence?! It was just too improbable for that.

So here I was at her house, five days after she returned. I’d have come the first day really; I was dieing to see her. But life loves to tease and irritate you once in a while, so after this and that coming in the way, I had finally made it to her house today; and so I’d made it here, leaning next to her on the terrace wall feeling jittery and comfortable at the same time.

She was looking at me now, probably thinking the same thing I was – wondering at how life works sometimes; wondering if we’d really managed to attract each other into our lives. I looked away. And let that comfortable silence that sometimes settles between friends fall in; that silence when no one needs to say anything and yet something is said and one comes away feeling just like they would if they’d had a good conversation instead. It was nice that we could fall into being friends so easily.

But I wanted to hold her and feel her body next to me. I felt a magnetism emanating from her body, making me want to keep some part of my body in contact with hers at all times. It was irritating me, this urge to touch her. Why couldn’t it just let me be for some time?! The fleeting contact during the pillow fight kept pulling at me like the pull of water for a thirsty man who’s only been given a sip of it. I kept myself still, resisting it. I thought back to the hug I’d received when she opened the door and cursed myself for not enjoying it properly in all the excitement.

She shifted closer to me. I looked at her. She was looking ahead and I got the feeling that she was enjoying my closeness like how two people who’ve curled up with each other would enjoy theirs. She looked so pretty. And without thinking I put my right arm around her and pulled her close. She didn’t resist; she just put her arms around me, hugging me nearer and closed her eyes, sighing quietly. I looked at her, slowly registering it. She was hugging me. I was holding her just like a minute back I’d wanted to and thought would be too much to want. And suddenly it hit me and I felt every part of her body that was touching mine. I instinctively held her tighter. My heart was beating faster. Then I just closed my mind and my eyes.

We stayed like that for a while.

Then she kissed my cheek and softly said, “I’ve wanted to do this from such a long time you know”

“Yeah I know. All those times you kept typing ‘I SO wish I could hug you right now!! It’s so irritating that I can’t!!’ “I laughed.

“Yeah” she murmured, giving me a soft squeeze and then she gently broke from my embrace and leaned back on my arm. She rested her left hand on my now bent knee and looked at me.

“So! Would you like to talk now or dodge my questions again?” she asked.

My forehead creased slightly. Her cheerful voice wasn’t sounding so effortless anymore. Was she hiding something? And I suddenly realized that she’d hugged me like it was such a relief to be able to hold onto someone for comfort. Man, I’m such a dud! That look in her eyes before I hugged her; something was bothering her.

“What’s wrong Neetu?” I asked.

“Nothing.Why?” she said; still trying to brush it off.

“Neetu, I know something is wrong. Just tell me.” I said, a little sternly.

She looked down, “I don’t want to spoil today. It’s… just something at home… See,” she turned towards me, her hands on mine, “It’s the first day we’re spending together. I want it to be fun. I’ll tell you about this later OK?”

“OK, if that’s what you really want.” I said gently. “You can talk to me whenever you feel like, you know that right?”

She nodded gratefully, “So you wanna go explore Bangalore?” she asked, back to her old self again.

“Sure” I got up. My watch showed 10:25 a.m. It was only morning and we had the whole day to in front of us. “Let’s go!”

-----------------------------------------------------

I'm thinking I've messed up the flow of of the story and haven't introduced the characters properly. But I had to say everything I have and adding more to it seemed to spoil it!! I'm not sure if I'll continue this story but if I do I'll definitely give the characters a stronger voice. Please advise me on what I can do to make it better!!

Also, can you feel it? If not what can I do to make it more real?

Please help (critique extra minutely and I'll love you for it!!=)) and point out any other faults you can find. Thank u!!!

p.s: Can't think of a title because there's no story yet. Will come up with something if I continue:):):)

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
hero
Review
hero wrote a review · Mon Jun 22, 2009 3:12 am

First off, I would like to say that its really good! There's enough background, so you know where they've been (Neetu; the Himalayas), and their relationship with each other, without boring the reader. I also found the romance of the story brilliant; it's innocent, a flower just about to bloom, I would say.
However, I found that the adverbs were, a little numerous. For example,
'“Uh?” she looked at me blankly, coming out of her thoughts. “Oh, I’m so sorry! Looks like I’ve been going on and on! And that too on our first ‘real’ conversation! Are you sure I’m not boring you?” she asked apologetically, tilting her head.

I looked at her wonderingly. ' Some of the adverbs here you could cut. When Neetu says 'Uh?' I don't think that its necessary to use 'blankly', and apologetically with a tilting of head is OK, but I would cut the adverb. And when you have a character talking about her adventures, I don't think that a character should look at her wonderingly. Maybe 'in wonder'.
The characters are a little too... flawless; even when Neetu talks about how bad her hair is, we still get the feeling that she's a little bit... fae (my word for a character who is (even in realistic fiction) elven in looks), and her personality is really nice. Make her a little more hardened, a little bit less sweet, and I'll like her more. The male, well, give us more! Name, perhaps? If he's twenty-nine and has cancer, or if he's got a collection of medieval axes in a cellar, tell us! Right now, he's a tabula rasa, a blank page, and I'd like to know more about him.

All in all, although you could cut the adverbs and give us more about the characters, it is a good start! (Better than I could probably do...)

User avatar
Cynara
Review
Cynara wrote a review · Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:12 pm

I think you should continue writing this story. I enjoyed it very much and loved how the characters get along. I also liked your descriptions. Please keep writing! I'll look forward to the next one. :)

Random avatar
sparkle8744
Review

This is a good start to a story. I like the way you used description to make it more vivid in the readers mind. That's really important. Also the way you worded your sentences made the relationship between the two characters seem more beautiful.

Sparkle

Random avatar
wildfire Comment

Hey Dreamwalker=)

Thanks a lot for reviewing. I did learn a lot about what I should be looking out for when I write. I took care of the nitpicks that you pointed out. For a first time romantic fiction, no, a first time fiction the review was pretty good i think:)

I know it came out cliched and mary-sue type:(. I was just playing fantasy:) so I'm not gonna continue this. If I try to, then I'll have to alter the whole thing to make it realistic! and, well, I don't think I'm into writing fiction so much.

When you said that some things need to be fixed up terribly you meant the story line and the characters right? or is there anything else?

Thanku again!!
- wildfire

User avatar
Dreamwalker
Review

Hey there, I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people just call me dreamwalker, DW or TDW but you can call me whatever you like :D. I'm here to review this piece.

On my first note though, title this 'no title' cause XXX sounds sort of dirty XP especially in a romance forum. That's probably why I'm the first review. I always give people the benefit of the doubt though, so yeah. I'm glad I was not let down :D.

Onto other business. Okay, so I always started my reviews off with a nit-pick section, then I go into grammar and punctuation, setting and description, plot, and character developement, so let's start!

Nit-Pick

Her arms were moving in quick, rapid movements, her hands taking a hundred different shapes every minute; it seemed like they had a life of their own, dancing to the music in her voice, as she recounted something that had delighted her. The pictures coloring her mind’s eye seemed to have transported her into a different world. As she spoke, charged with pure excitement and joy, her body danced in a rhythm that she was so utterly unaware of. Every movement of her laughing lips made me smile with pleasure and the incomprehensible sparkle in her eyes teased me with only a glimpse of their hidden world. Her descriptions of the memory playing in her mind held her rapt attention as it delighted her again. She was so unconscious of her charm! So adorable in her innocence! And whilst all that while she was immersed in her story, I was immersed in her. She captivated me.


This is an incredibly daunting paragraph. This part would intimidate any future readers do to the fact that it is so long. Spread it out maybe. Make it less of a scary thing to read for someone who wishes to review or even just a reader.

Her arms were moving in quick, rapid movements, her hands taking a hundred different shapes every minute;


As I was reading this, I thought it was beautiful how you described her dancing throughout the paragragh except here. This gave a hard edge and it didn't feel as flowing as it could have been if the words sounded less harsh.

Maybe it's time I say something, I thought.


When writing in first person, having 'I thought' is unnecessary for it is already sort of known if not in quotations. This is from his mind so there is no need to specify what he's thinking.

I'd simply been staring at her for far too long and I'd rather she didn't notice anything.


"How I felt" would have been better then using 'anything'.

I said when she paused in admiration, her eyes on the snow caped mountains that she was describing.


Change 'said' to 'asked' for it will flow better.

I exclaimed, “You know that I’d tell you if you were boring me.”


This should be a full stop after 'exclaimed'. Not a comma.

“Yeah, but still; I’m talking a bit too much.


The semicolon could easily be a comma, in fact I believe it should be in this case.

But I'd brushed her off and asked her about her trip.


Try to avoid starting sentences off with words like 'but' and 'and'. Those are usually connecting words so starting a sentence off with them can get rather confusing.

We had a lot of things in common like our love for nature, adventure, risks, books, climbing. And we also appreciated what each of us loved separately.


Watch out. This is starting to sound terribly cliched.

I got smacked hard with her pillow!


You like your exclamation points. I wouldn't have used the exclamation point here just because it doesn't seem that exciting to me. If you like it though then my word isn't necessary XD.

She was laughing as I recovered and looked around for another pillow till I realized that she’d slept alone here last night.


Isn't that assuming a little? Like he just jumped to the conclusion that she had, in fact, just slept the night on the terrace because there was a pillow? I'm sure it would have been better if he questioned about it a little. It would be more realistic.

I had meant to smack her back but she sat up and was convulsed in laughter that had been threatening to engulf her since the beginning of the pillow fight.


'Convulsing' would probably have been a better tense to the word for this particular sentence for 'convulsed', but thats just my opinion.

Grammar and Punctuation

You, my friend, have an amazing vocabulary and a wonderful word flow. I had to really get into the story to find as many things to nit-pick about as I did, and reading it over for the second time to find the mistakes I found myself losing myself in the story again so I may have missed some mistakes in that. You're word flow is brilliant, your grammar is flawless, and your puntuation is pretty good too. Bravo. Just fix up some of the exclamation points that aren't necessary and you'll be good as gold.

Plot

The plotline, so far, seems a little cheesy and cliched, but I see a plotline starting to shine through a bit. I don't really know though yet so I won't make assumptions. Cute though, and very interesting.

Setting and Description

There wasn't much on the setting, that I know of, but your descriptions were phenominal. I definitly give you props for a job well done of those and a thumbs up. Just fix up the setting's descriptions and such things as that and I'm sure you'll have a wonderful story by the end of this.

Character Developement

Be very careful in this area. So far, your characters have an almost mary-sue feel. The girl seems perfect with her body and her personality. It's beyond me, really. The male as well seems very ordinary. Nothing really interesting about him thats stands out to me. He's just so.. Mary-Sue. Give them some more personality and flaws. Show us something about these characters that no one has shown us before. If you can manage that and not play the safe boats like you have so far, then you'll have some solid characters :D.

Overall

This was fantastic when it came to it's flow and wording. It was interesting and held my attention and although some things need to be fixed up terribly, the wording was wonderful and I definitly give you a thumbs up for a job well done. Very good!

Ja ne
~The.Dreamwalker



Don't sit down and write because you're a writer; sit down and write because you have something to say. And if the sea of ideas isn't flowing, well, just tell me about your day.
— OrabellaAvenue