Published August 10, 2009
I allow the beads of sweat to accumulate
on the meshwork that is my hair,
like liquid pearls trekking jet black fibers.
As the first light of the day cast slanted
forms on the bathroom tiles, I move my
eyes to the lone cadaver in the corner,
punitive and bleaching under the sun, its
frail structure terrifying me. I turn away.
The cold splash of water make me
hesitant to think that while my forehead
is made cool by sweat, the rest of me is
on fire. My ragged breathing rips through
the quiet, intervening whatever invisible
resurrection is taking place beside the
toilet. My palm against the sink relaxes
me. Later I shall start on my chores.
There are many of them today.
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141,612 Literary Works • 675,156 Reviews
Id also like to mention that this does not seem like a R rated piece.
It has no harsh language, sex or possibly offending themes.
Just like to mention.
Keep writing like you mean it.
Vera
hm, I don't really understand what this is about.
I think it might be A maid starting her morning because of her last line but I can't be sure. You need to work on that becauce even if your work is great if you dont understand the consept then the reader is left unfufilled.
That's the main problem for me with this piece.
Also the structure is a bit choppy, try and putting in more spaces to make it flow better.
But on to the good stuff.
You have a good sense of language and grammar, some words here truly make the poem.
There are a lot of layers to this piece, there are under lying tones of sadness, fear etc
It makes me want and go read it again and again.
In conclusion, although you can definitely improve in some areas, this is altogether a very nice poem. Well done
Keep writing like you mean it.
Vera