Published February 1, 2010
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
The comma is placed at the wrong position.
This part really doesn't sound right, try reading this aloud. There should be a period after 'eyebrows'.
You repeated the names 'Simon and 'Sam', how about saying 'Sam and Simon had been living on the streets for years now. They had ended up on the streets when Sam...'
Maybe a typo. Change the second 'Sam' to 'Simon'.
Okay, it should be 'their' not 'there', 'there' refers to a place. 'their' is used to refer to them or they.
Don't repeat 'the train tracks' twice, use 'which' instead.
Although your story was not too bad, you missed out many commas which should have been there. I didn't pinpoint all the commas that were left out, so I would suggest you read through again and edit it.
Good luck, and keep writing!
I think this needs some work. Sorry if it seems like I'm bashing it, but no plot is evident. It doesn't seem like you thought the story through. The description of the characters was lacking some punch and will not hold the attention of most readers. The emotions of the characters are not shown, and even with the street dialect of the gangsters the dialogue feels a bit flat.
Pour out some kind of emotion into your characters. If you keep up with the plot-less wandering you won't be getting any reviews at all. So, keep working at a plot, and your characters.
There are a lot of wording issues that can be fixed if you read over it out loud. I would like this story to go on and am not trying to discourage you. I'm just trying to tell you that if you keep it up, you'll lose readers.
I really like this. Post more soon, thanks.
Kayla