The darkness catches my eye,
Its cold grip pulls me into the dark void,
The complete absents of sound makes me feel as if I am a deaf old man watching the world pass me buy,
The smell is of fresh mountain air,
My hands begin to go cold and numb as if I am a climber with frostbite,
Then the fresh air swoops down and throws me up and down,
It is as if I am on a roalecoster with no brakes,
It is as if I am a fish tangled in a net,
I try to escape, I scream but the wind snatches the words away into the distance,
I feel as if I mite die, at least if I die now this ordeal will be over,
But then it stops,
First I feel my fingers again,
Second the air is filled with sounds,
Third my lungs fill with air,
Fourth my heartbeat slows down to a gentle trotting rhythm,
But then I realise.. I haven't gone anywhere at all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Nice work. I like how naturally surreal this is. Your writing style seems unique, but raw. You've still got a few things to learn, but this is a great starting point.
Do you have a spellchecker? Bad spelling is a big no-no if you want people to take your work seriously, and it's easy to fix. YWS has a spellchecker tool of its own.
I'd suggest you read lots of poetry, get an idea of what makes a good poem or not, and experiment with some different structures and styles.
Ha ha, I like this poem, especially its ending. Personally, I'm not a poetic guy, so I don't think you'll find my critique on rhythm or meter reliable. So instead, I'm just going to edit your poem for grammatical and spelling errors. The bold are changes that I made:
On another note, there were some words that could be replaced with something more jazzy. For example: I think you can find a more expressive, visual word than "throws" (maybe "flings," "bucks," etc.).
I like the effect that I get from this poem. I hate it when some people try to write a story with their poetry. Poetry is poetry, not prose.
I'm no expert so I can't give you any major advice but I'll have a go.
For starters, it is a nice little subject, and your poetic voice makes it easy to follow the story of the poem, but although it is not a rhyming poem, it still needs a better structure to make it flow. a lot of the lines didn't rhythmically fit with previous ones, (sorry if I'm just reading it wrong) but it has a nice little twist at the end. pm with any questions about this review if you really want to, but I'd advise you to wait for some more comments, and if you still have problems, pm some of the more senior members instead.