You were walking with the most amazing girl. It was a cold December night. You were both so young, yet so in love. (Just married only a few months ago.) You had just gone out to your favorite restaurant in the city. It was almost Christmas time, only a week to go. She laid her head on your shoulder while you walked to your car. Not many people were out, almost none. The streets were lit up with Christmas colors. It was your favorite holiday. You had to carry her over your shoulder to get her to come out with you tonight. But it was all going to to be worth it, in just a few moments.
"Stephanie?" You ask her.
"Yes?" She lifts her head from your shoulder.
"I love you and I wanted to give you something." You pulled out the little box that had been in your pocket all night and handed it to her.
"Merry Christmas, baby." She opens the box and gasps at the silver necklace inside. You both stop walking and you put it around her neck.
"I love it, thank you." She kissed your lips very passionately and began walking again, leaving you there.
"Well, come on!" She held out her hand for you to take, you jog up to her and take hold of it, never wanting to let go. You both walked to silence for awhile soaking in the happiness.
"Hey! Stop! I said stop." You hear someone yell from behind you. You turn around to see a man with a gun. He is six foot four at least. And he was ready to shoot. He looked as though he had no money, or family left. In this town that wasn't too uncommon to find.
"What do you want man? We don't want any trouble." You say, hoping he wouldn't shoot.
"Give me your money, and your jacket. Now!" He says to you. You start to remove your jacket to give it to him. Suddenly there was a loud gun shot. You think its a teasing shot, to scare you.
"Why would you do that? I was giving you what you wanted!" You shouted as he ran away from us as fast as he could.
"Men these days." You roll your eyes. Stephanie grabbed hold of your arm as tightly as she could.
"Peter!" She screamed. She was breathing hard. You turn as fast as you could to see her other hand holding her stomach.
"No!" You shout loudly. "This can't be happening. I'm going to help you, I will. I promise." She falls into your arms. You fall to your knees with her in your arms.
"You can't. It'll be okay, I promise... You're going to be okay without me. Just kiss me one last time." You do as she wishes. You lean down and kiss her ruby red lips. You stay like that for a long time. She pulls away, she's growing cold now.
"I love you so much, Peter." She says with tears streaming down her face.
"I love you too, Stephanie." That night, she died in your arms.
Three Years Later
It was a cold winter night. The wind was blowing coldly while you walked into your warm house. You go straight to the fire place and put wood in it. You hear a knock at the door. A light soft knock, but you still heard it. You walk over to answer it. That's when you see her.
A beautiful girl. Long curly black hair that fell down to her waist. Pure white skin, deep red ruby lips. You see her white as snow dress, stained with blood from her stomach. Something happened to this girl and you needed to help her. And her grass green eyes. You stare into them to realize she's staring right back at you. You try and usher her in, it was freezing outside and all she had was a dress. No jacket, no shoes.
She refuses and motions her hand for you to come with her. You follow this girl for a long time. You realize she's leading to the graveyard. You want to turn and run for you feel frightened. Then you look back at this beautiful girl and stay.
The gate to the graveyard was creaking back and forth. Leaving a line in the white snow. She gave it a little push and went in. She held it open for you, hoping you'll follow, you do.
The night was turning colder now. The snow was falling faster, softly but fast. You look to the sky; it was a full moon tonight. Shining brightly off the snow, and the girl's skin. Finally after walking for many minutes she stopped at a grave underneath a weeping willow tree. You read what the grave says.
"Stephanie Fall," You see the beautiful girl on her knees holding the silver tied around her small neck. And in that moment you realize this is her. For you have forgotten her for a long time now. She's been gone for so long; you thought you would never see her again. You bend down to help her up... When you do, you go right threw her.
The beautiful girl disappears, smiling into the cold December snow. All that's left on her was the silver tied around her neck. You'll keep it forever because you know this is her necklace. You're the one who gave it to her many years ago. Yes you... the husband on Stephanie Fall
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Although you did transition quite quickly, I really liked the story. I do admit that the ending chilled me very much, but in a somewhat beautiful way. It was rather unexpected. However, your writing style was slightly abrupt, in all honesty. You moved the story along very fast. It's not a problem though. I used to do the same exact thing. Also, I found it kind of strange that Peter did not recognize the girl as the ghost of Stephanie when she led him to the graveyard. I know you said he forgot about her, but it does not seem very realistic as that is a seemingly traumatizing experience. It was a nice story though! Keep it up.
J.R. Spotswood
I thought you kind of transitioned to fast from them waking to the car to her then dying in his arms. I think if you add more detail to the story it would really improve i and make it flow better. Also I noticed you used a lot of simple sentences that I could have been made into compound sentences if you just left out the period, I feel that would flow better as well. Like others have mentioned before it would read easier if it was written in first person. Other than that I think it was an good piece that has a lot of potential.
Hi,
This is a good story, but it could've been a lot better. I fin the second point of view storytelling quite confusing and also, the first part of the story being a bit ridiculous and cliche'. It's not something I haven't heard before, sorry about that.
With the part where she pretty much dies immediately after being shot, I found that irritated me a bit since it seems unrealistic for her to have died so suddenly after being shot in the stomach, maybe the if it was the neck, I might've been a bit more accepting of the whole scenario, but the stomach just didn't quite cut it.
One last thing, near the end it says "You're the one who gave it to her many years ago."
Wasn't it like three years ago? It felt as if you were treating it like the girl died a few decades ago.
Good job, but there is room for improvement.
This leaves me feeling part scared while partly sad. Don't get me wrong though, I loved it all through out. The emotions were just so deep, and pure and it made me feel like I could just watch the couple forever in awe when that robber shows up. I knew something so good wouldn't last for long. You brought in the biggest twist there might have been for the man's life, changing it forever. The way you described Stephanie's last moments were so intense and powerful, it was like watching a play or movie, honestly.
Again you surprised me with the three years later part. I guess it was a little predictable who the girl was after you described her and I just love your descriptions. The whole story, short, slow, sad, yet beautiful. Something I'd liked to read every now and then. Something with a hint of mystery and a little drama. I really enjoyed reading this, especially since it's in present tense, it's easier to picture more, like all of it is happening in front of me. Also another reason why those emotions seem so real and beautiful, because of the present tense. Hats off to you, you're a great writer and I'd love to read more from you. Keep at it! =]
While the story was good, I didn't like the second-person P.O.V. It would read so much easier as a first-person or a third-person (preferably a first-person. That beginning could be so much more dramatic as a first-person).
You had a minor mistake in the second-to-last paragraph with "..you go right threw her." It should be "through", not "threw."
Also, the very last line seemed.. off. The husband on Stephanie Fall? Is Stephanie Fall the name of the graveyard? If so, it should be "in" not "on." Or if Stephanie Fall is the dead girl, it would be "of." But you may have your own thoughts that I just don't see.
Overall, the story was good and I liked it, except for the second-person view. It could be so much more emotional if it were told by the main character. As a second-person, it was detached in a way that this kind of haunting love story wouldn't be (if handled properly, which, based on this, you could handle properly).
Again, liked it, but try rewriting differently with more emotion.
~Questio~
Sorry little typo it was suppose to be of.