Young Writers Society

Hey Firedancer here, and i am going to review your scenery writings!

I really like the description of the girl in your first scenery actually. I've always been intrigued by characters with white hair, and doubly intrigued with long hair. I'm glad that you said young girl, because my image would have been totally ruined if it was an elderly lady.

Your first sentence in my opinion would be more effective if you said "A girl stands at the edge of a chilled river, her long white hair nipping at her heels. The wind that plays with her hair blows throughout the darkened woods as well." Oops got a little carried away with myself there. All I meant to say was to change the there to an A. Ahahahaha *nervous laugh*

Anyways, the last sentence of that scenery kind of jumped out at me as awkward. Instead of saying due to the snowflakes, you should just describe the water freezing. You don't have to explain why. Your readers are smart, they will put two and two together as to why the pond is freezing.

The last scenery I think could use a little elaboration on the ocean part. Perhaps the scent of the salty sea? Or the feel of the fine mist of the ocean? You have to keep in mind to include the other senses. You don't have to include all of them, but you do have to remember that they are there, if you know what I mean.

Hello there puppy my fine fellow! Its been a little while since I've read some of your work , and your writing certainly doesn't disappoint. Your descriptions in this piece is really wonderful, you do an excellent job in that regard. Although, most of my review is really going to focus on how to write smoothly and let the beauty resonate stronger with the reader. Let's dive in now shall we?

Okey dokey, that first paragraph is wonderful. Those first two sentences are an excellent way to really draw in the reader to your writing. Excellent work in that regard, although you than say in the third sentence:

"Slowly the young girl sets down on the bank of the river, slowly dipping her bare feet in"

Couple of things here: Firstly, you've used "slowly" in the previous sentence and twice in this sentence. That's two times too many, you need to pick a different word two more times so that this can read smoother. Perhaps try editing one of the "slowly" out with "gently" or something else along those lines. Whatever works for you. Also, it should be "sits" instead of "sets." Finally, I would suggest that you re word the last bit after the comma a little. Perhaps say something along the lines of: "gently dipping her bare feet into the gelid murk, rippling slightly at her stroke." or something like that, whatever you choose.

That second paragraph is pretty darn great, excellent imagery there. Although, I'm not sure what's the purpose of it all? If you're choosing to just describe the beauty of everything, go more into it and really set up a scene in the readers head. If you're trying to craft a story add in some more substantial plot line to make this all make sense. All and all great writing and wonderful imagery, just in need of a few tiny touch ups.

Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllswroTh

Heya! Hannah's got in with some sciencey and practical (and a bit of psychological...) stuff. I'm just going to review these grammatically and as descriptive images.
First and most importantly, the apostrophe. You're putting them in places where they really REALLY shouldn't be and you are missing them out of places where you need them. I am going to give you a link and I am begging you to please follow it and learn the rules of apostrophe use. Please... For the quality and proffesionalism of your writing, follow the link and read and learn the rules, for the clearness of meaning behind your words, follow the link and read and learn the rules, for the APOSTROPHE and all that is good and correct in the world... read it. Read it for me.

http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/page2.html

There's the link. Do as you think is right. If you ahve any questions after reading it, you can ask me. I will be more than happy to help you as you strive to learn how to use the apostrophe.
Now onto the other things. Lines that sounded awkward and things that annoyed me and such.

Scenery 1:

In the first sentence you describe her as girl. A few sentences later you describe her as young girl. It would make much more sense to describe her as young girl to start with and then go on to calling her yougn girl.
Also, the first and second sentences. The second sentence is a subordinate clause; it does not make sense without the first. This means that the two clauses should be one sentence. Like this:

"There stands a girl at the edge of the chilled river, her long white hair nipping at her heels as the wind slowly blows through the darkened woods"

"Slowly the young girl sets down on the bank of the river, slowly dipping her bare feet in."

Firstly, sets should be sits. I think that's a typo. Secondly, you use the word slowly twice really close together. SLOWLY she sits down and then SLOWLY she dips her feet in. We get it, she's a bit slow. Try changing the second slowly to tentatively or something.

"dark eerie clouds"

Enough of the description. You've put so much in it's annoying and disrupts the flow.

"Sadly the young girl glances up at the sky, "

As well as the describing her as a young girl here, you say she glances sadly. This is confusing. DO you mean that it is sad that the girl has done this? that her action will have unfortunate consequences? If so, I'm interested. Is a bird going to poo in her blue eyes or something? Or would that be less sad than the bird pooing in her floor-length hair, which I suppose would have happened if she'd remained staring ahead or downwards as i assume she was doing beforehand.

"Her blue eyes try to follow each snowflake. The water begins to freeze due to the snowflakes.”

YOu've used the word snowflake twice too close together and in the same position of the sentence. Reorder the sentences... Or just cut the second one due to it not making sense.

Scenery 2

This just gets on my nerves. A first person description of the wind blowing the person's hair and then them closing their eyes? Seriously? People don't describe themselves closing their eyes and having their hair blown... Unless they are ridiculously self absorbed. Anyway, for the reader, this is just not interesting. Sorry.


I hope I've helped. And please check out that link. I will be really grateful if you do

Well, your first idea certainly captures a lot of beauty, but what bothers me especially about it is how inaccurate or impossible these things would be. First, hair to her heels? Yes, it exists, but it's incredibly difficult to take care of. What time period does she live in and just how much of her life does she devote to her hair? Besides that, when she sits down, where does her hair go? In a pile behind her? Does she sit on it?
Next, how in the world would she try to follow each snowflake? She might follow one at a time, but she couldn't possibly watch every single snowflake falling from the sky. And lastly, snowflakes don't freeze a river. Temperature drops freeze a river. Snowflakes that fall into a river too warm will just melt. In a flowing river, snowflakes may be colder, but would have not that much of an effect on cooling the river. And ... she has her feet in such cold water? Without pain? That intrigues me, but I guess would need exploration and explanation for me to buy it.

As for your second idea, I see a pattern. You are drawn to girls sitting in nature. But why? What about that intrigues you? I think an investigation into the root of this interest would be more helpful than writing more of these scenes. Or, if you're artistically inclined, you might try bringing these to life in an image.

See, stories thrive on some kind of conflict. Some woman sitting alone with her thoughts does not really have a lot of conflict we can access from the outside, you know? So while these images may be beautiful, they don't really change anything in us as we read.

So what is it that makes you want to write this? What do you perceive these women as representing, if broken down into more general terms? They're obviously not really characters, as you haven't given them any personality, even in action ('cept maybe the first girl, if she's really willingly sticking her feet in freezing, dangerous water).

PM me if you have any questions/ comments.
Good luck and keep writing!