Monsters Under the Bed

Hiya whitepencil, here to review!

So what I liked about this was how the suspense and tension was built. It really gave it a chilling and eerie vibe which is really cool. I also like the fact that it's from a child perspective, and that can always be quite hard to write, but you've done it really well here. There was some good imagery here but I would've liked to see more, (I'll go into more detail later on). I'll now mention my improvements for this.

Firstly, this is just a suggestion, but I think it would be really cool if you went more into detail about what her dad said about these scary monsters. Because she is still a child right, and that would be really cool to show more about how she cares about what her dad says. I remember when I was younger and feeling scared, if my mum or dad said there weren't any monsters/they knew what to do when a monster came, I'd sure as heck believe them.

Also, I think the main thing here is to just flesh out a bit more on details. One thing you could talk more about is how scared she is, because right now I don't really think that's actually emphasised enough. It was also make her seem a more sympathetic character rather than a little girl whose imagination ran too wild.

Lastly, I think some more imagery could be built up about the darkness/eerieness of the room. Sure you're thinking, it's dark, what more is there to say. But I think it would five really good if you used the five sense to help you with this, what does it feel like? Can she feel a presence watching over her?

All in all this was a suspenseful story and you've used some really good techniques. My main issue is that everything could've done with a bit more detail to really paint a picture in the reader's head. As always, I hope this review helped and feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Just keep writing!
-Arc x

This was wonderful. The build-up of suspense, and the fact that this was a child's dilemma added immensely to the magnificence of this piece of work.

I think the occurring contradictions to what her dad told her about the monsters was a very creative element as well. You sir/madame are a true writer.

Whitepencil,

I have to admit you certainly have talent! I agree with kingofwernogs that the point of view of a child in this situation isn't typically captured but you've written it spot-on. The suspense you provide is unbelievable, actually. I was surprised to find myself curling my toes and biting my lip as I read this. There wasn't anything blatantly obvious that needed to be changed, in my opinion. The only thing I'm debating on, which probably isn't even a big deal to begin with, is that I think "daddy" is supposed to be capitalized in the sentences like: "I'm scared, daddy", "That's what daddy told me", etc. I say this only because I was taught that when one is referenced using direct title it should be capitalized. For instance:

Direct title: "I'm scared, Daddy."

vs.

Indirect title: "I'm afraid of her daddy."

Again, it isn't a big deal to me it's just something that I noticed and I couldn't remember what the rule was. Overall, you did splendid! Keep up the great work.

~Izzielocks

I exceedingly enjoyed this piece. I particularly liked the suspense of the story—waiting, waiting, waiting, then BOOM! It concluded just like that, making you want to hear what happens next. Very superior.

Hi, here to review, or mostly comment. What I love about this the most is the intensity, the atmosphere of fear. Not that I get scared of the dark a lot or something but I was really able to relate to that little girl. The way she reacted by quickly reaching for the light switch, and pulling the cover over head, it's the same way I'd have reacted, had I been her. That's one thing really special about this little piece. It's that even though it's about something that doesn't really happen, there's still so much reality in it that it's so much easier to put myself in the girl's shoes. The way she keeps thinking that they would go away if she's quiet, if she's good, it just shows her desperation. That would be exactly what I'd be thinking the entire time if the monsters were in my room.

Another good thing that partly disappointed me, was the way you sustained the mystery till the very end. I was disappointed though, because it just ended, just like that. It was a pretty neat and scary ending though. Keep it up. I'm looking forward to read more of your stories. =]

I love this story! I love the fact that you dealt with the darker side of childhood fears, you actually made it seem as if there was a possibility that the monsters were real. We see the monsters from Jess's point of view, so we truly don't know if everything is just going on in her head or if the monsters are real. The only problem I had with the story was the fact that the font that you chose to uses was a tad bit hard to read, but that was easily overcome. Overall, I adored your story and I will definitely continue to read your works!

A well-written story about the real fear a child experiences when there are "monsters under the bed". This is a point of view that is not tackled very often, and you have done a very good job capturing it. Congratulations.

There are some errors and confusing parts to the story, however. At the beginning, you say: "Okay Jess. Night night." "Don't let the bed bugs bite!" It should read: "Okay Jess. Night night. Don't let the bed bugs bite!" Using two separate quotes makes it seem like two people are talking. And, you use nine 's's and three periods in the first "Jeeeeesssssssss" but seven 's's and five periods in the second. I suggest you keep them the same.

~Kingofwernogs, Fact Checker