It's my first post! I hope I put this in the correct genre/section... thingy...
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You wake up.
It's a normal day. You drag yourself out of bed. You shower. You shave. You scarf down a bagel for breakfast, then scald your throat with some piping hot coffee. You throw on a shirt and tie, some nice pants, and slip into some classy, uncomfortable shoes. You start your commute to work, half-heartedly returning a false greeting from someone you vaguely recognize. It's sunny out, but not too hot. Everything is normal.
Boom.
Chaos. You are thrown sideways. You think you might have broken a rib. People are screaming. Your ears are ringing. There is blood on the sidewalk. You close your eyes and clutch at the searing pain in your side.
You wake up.
You're sweaty. It was only a dream. Of course it was. You drag yourself out of bed. You shower. You forget to shave. You realize your running late for work, and skip breakfast. You run out the door, vaguely greeting someone you've never met before. You step foot outside.
Boom.
The earth shakes. You are thrown off your feet and out into the middle of the road. Something is burning. You feel like you might have broken a few ribs. People are screaming. There is blood on the sidewalk.
You wake up.
It's dark. You glance at the clock. It's 2 am. You roll over and try to go back to sleep. You can't. You drag yourself out of bed. You shower. You pace back and forth anxiously in your pitch dark apartment for no reason. You take few pills. They help a little bit. You take a few more, and close your eyes.
Boom.
The ground ceases to exist. You're falling. Someone is screaming. You think you smell something burning, but aren't sure what it is. The ground becomes real again, and rushes up to greet you.
You wake up.
It's dark. You're on your knees. You try to move your arms, but course rope bites into them. You hear someone close shouting in a foreign language. Someone next to you is crying silently. It's getting hard to breathe.
Boom.
You hear something heavy hit the ground. Someone is screaming, but you can't understand. You try to move, but the course rope bites into your arm. Something cold and hard presses against the side of your head. You can't breathe.
You wake up.
It's very dark. You try to move. There is something blocking you. You think it is made of wood, but you aren't sure. You can't breathe. There are walls all around you. You are screaming.
Boom.
The sudden brightness stuns you. You are surrounded by identical, faceless people wearing matching uniforms. You are lying down. One of them raises a knife and brings it slowly, calculatedly down towards your face. You try to move your arms, but leather straps bite into them. You can't breathe. You can't scream.
You wake up.
It's bright. You're sweating. You drag yourself out of bed. You shower. You shave.
You wake up.
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
1. You mean scoff down a bagel, not scarf.
2. I love it how every sentence is short and sharp. Sudden just like a boom. It really reflects the urgency of the morning as well as the urgency of the dreams.
3. I found the very ending mysterious. You establish the normal morning as if everything was just a dream. By saying "you wake up" as your final words it shows that any of them could have been true.
4. I am looking for a flaw in this but it is hard to find.
5. This was the best thing I could find.
This does not follow your stubborn sentence structure and is too flow for your work. Turn it into two short sentences.
"You think you smell something burning. You aren't sure what it is."
6. Double points for writing in second person. Love it. I'm done here.
7.Schadenfreude
Hey! I read this a while back and never got to give you a good review! So here I am attempting to. I really liked it when I read it, so let's see what I can do! (I was not rhyming on purpose, I promise.) XD
I'm going to try to go from paragraph to paragraph on this one. But it includes the "boom".
The first paragraph was good, I think the best part of this work is actually it's simplicity, because it's so simple it allows the reader to have their own take on it and their own view. And despite the fact there weren't many descriptions I found myself walking through this guys morning routine and seeing what it was like through his eyes and then.
Boom.
Haha, it really doesn't have an effect on the reader, because whether we realize it or not, in our minds as we read we have our voice up there, we have sound effects and all, and I when I read the boom I read it with a specific type of sound effect that actually made it interesting for me to be able to read on. Also because of what you had made it quite simplistic as I said before it helped me to sort of read it in my own creative way, and sort of create my own view and my own outlook to the whole situation. So, overall if you were wondering, I personally felt that the "boom" effect worked, and it also brought some originality to the piece.
As for after the boom, your writing was equally simple and equally effective. For some reason the short descriptions help us to see things in a more sudden and quick way. The way I was seeing it was in short parts, like you know in a movie where the sound is only a heartbeat and they blink in and out of scene's? That's how I was seeing it, so good job on the reaction for the first one.
The second one was good too, I like how each time the person wakes up they seem to have a different situation and a different scenario. Somehow the way you wrote it really brings it to life.
The second reaction to the "boom" was good, but less descriptive and for some reason less connecting, maybe because he had been taking pills and so it may seem he got woozy so it wasn't such a surprise that the floor fell beneath him, I think either for that reason or some other it just wasn't quite so connecting. That said though it was still written well.
The third paragraph get's serious and has even more implications and possibilities. Which was interesting and possibly it helped to gather suspense. As did the last three incidents. It's really just a good short story with a lot of meaning and very interesting. I liked it and I felt that it could even be classified as thriller if it was not so much of a mystery, so great job overall. I'd feel too repetitive if I continued on, because I re-read the ending and I find it wonderful, and unchangeable I like the last "You wake up" because one knows that the person is really waking up now.
Great job overall!
--Keep dreaming and writing!
Hi WhitePencil! Roxy here!
This. Is. A. Fantastic. Piece!
I just had to get that out there!
I loved the repition, and the way you started the piece off with an ordinary and mundane start to the day, it shows off the chaos and confusion of the panic attacks perfectly!
The mystery and suspense that comes with each "Boom." is also great! Although I am sometimes left with more questions than answers, but I think that that suits this piece perfectly!
Anyway, congrats! And keep up the great work!
*claps hands loudly* Oh my this was so great I just my cry. I loved every paragraph and well the whole thing! Every time it said "boom" or something I'm on the edge of my chair waiting to see what's happening. It's a amazing for your first post.
I love the idea and the repetition. It's great how in the first paragraph you write like everything is fine and dandy. You convince the readers that everything is going to be ok. Then suddenly we're reading "Boom" and we are thinking, "Oh god what is going to happening". It's amazing how you keep us in suspense throughout the story.
Can't wait to read more of your work. This was just amazing and awesome and suspenseful.
Happy Writing,
Cgirl
Hey! Very impressive piece! I thought that your use of repetition was very unique to anything I have ever read before. Each scenario was also unique in its own way which made them very interesting to read.
While writing a story involving any kind of medical or mental disorder, it is a challenge to make your reader understand the character considering that most of your readers have never gone through something like that. I think that this was probably your biggest downfall. You described the settings beautifully but I didn't read anything about your character which makes me wonder whether they are even real or not. Pretty much, try not to focus too much on the conflicts and the plot and work more towards developing your character.
Other than that, I loved it and thought it was extremely creative. Keep writing
Wow. All I can say is that it is amazing. The words flowed, and I was imediately pulled into the story. A complete thriller. The story doesn't say what the character is running from, but it is verry well done.
Love to read more from you.
Welcome to YWS. This is Abel here to review.
First of all, this is an impressive piece. The conjugation of mystery and questionable rationality is absolutely amazing. Readers end up wondering if the person has some form of delusion-inducing ailment, or the person keeps having dreams within dreams etc.
However, I wonder if you may have stretched the dilemma a bit too much without any slight revelation as to what the cause of the dillemma is. There should be a little compensation for this. Mystery is nice because answers are kept from an audience; yet little disclosures of the status quo have to be infused in hidden slots within the story. This you did not do.
Nonetheless, it is still an impressivepiece, and I hope to read more like it.
Cheers
Hi, whitepencil!
Welcome to YWS! I'm GeeLee and I'm here to review.
Alright, so... if anything, this is thrilling; you've done a pretty decent job at keeping the readers tense, yet curious and entertained. The only reason why I'm here is to give you a little suggestion about how to start. I honestly, don't recommend you to start your story with little sentences. Do not get me wrong, though; that is a great method to keep someone thrilled! However, I believe that it would better if you hook the readers up in that atmosphere before making them tense with all those periods. Otherwise, it is likely that they get bored/distracted (or so I think), and you wouldn't want them to leave without reader your fantastic piece because of that.
When it comes to grammar, I only found a little error, which is obviously a slip because your grammar is quite responsible.
And thaaaaat's pretty much all I've got to say. xD Hope to see you around.
~GeeLyria
I enjoyed it too...it was entertaining and simple ...keep it up sir.
I loved this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't really know what there is I can review. But I'm just gonna say that it was very good. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading other pieces you put up.
Very good for a first piece... I think you used repetition very craftily, it was almost too much, but you made it fit really well with everything.
I think you managed to convey how it is for someone to have a panic attack, but to get more of a reaction out of your readers, make it seem more personal. You are referring directly to the audience and it seems like it is not as personal. Maybe if you used first person it would have a bigger effect but I'm not sure. You could try and edit it seperatly into first person and see which one you deem most effective.
Overall, I really enjoyed it and think it was a very good piece. Please keep writing.
-Clarity'xo
Its just awesome !
It really is dude .
Astonishing !
The style is very similar to Chuck Palahniuk , he is my favorite author !
I will start researching about anxiety disorder . You have inspired me !
Your words are magical .
Really I mean all this its really really good .
I never rate someone so highly but I really loved it , just keep on writing dude !
AWESOME !
If you can please comment or review my work as well:
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