Hi whit921,
Mailice here with a short review!
I don't know what exactly the meaning of the text is, but I have the feeling that even the woman who is drawn away into her conceit there is not happy. She places herself so much in the centre and wants to be loved and seen by everyone, but in the end she longs for something even more distant, which she only attains through her imagination within the imagination. It seems like a formula that she tries to recite to herself over and over again in order to escape even the portal where she once felt at home.
While falling into this world you describe (very beautiful, btw), one quickly forgets that the woman being told about there is only imagining it. The bubble that opens up here bursts with the last sentence. It's this ending that gives me a kind of melancholy. Everything seems so bland and weak when you consider that she is only imagining it all. I think that gives your short story a strange, elegant and yet realistic undertone. I don't know if it was intended to make the reader think like that ,but you manage it. At least with me.
One thing I noticed about your short story is the attempt to create long sentences. You connect some things very well and create metaphors and descriptions, but ultimately most of your sentences are too overstuffed with information that stops the reader in their tracks. For example, what else happened at the beginning of the sentence when you get to the end?
What I also like about the structure is that the whole text is one section. It seems like a block, a house of cards that you build up and that actually falls apart very quickly when you look at the individual sentences.
Some points I found while reading:
petite café in France
Here is a tiny spell error. Since it´s “un café” in French, the adjective related to it “petit” has to be written in it´s male form without an “e”
And as darkness grew the vanilla moon would reflect in her eyes and she would sigh unto the stillness of the night, and closing her eyes she was the night, immune to the flock of memories that constantly pecked at her skin every day, reduced to this single moment of solace.
Some of your sentences are quite long, but this one will probably have set the record. Nothing against longer sentences or possible connections, but by the time you get to the end here, you don't even know where you were at the beginning. Also, with a repetition of "would" you create a kind of stumbling block where it becomes difficult to follow the rest of the narrative. I think you could at least split this sentence into three smaller sentences.
“This world.”
Here is a question mark necessary, since you are posing a question with this sentence.
I liked reading the text because you give the reader a lot of room to interpret.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
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