warning this ch.3 of my novel, that i've previously posted before. if you haven't read the intro, ch.1, and ch.2 it may not make much sence. i reccomend you reed it in order, since this chapter is in Alexander perspective, when the first 2 were in Ive perspective. it just runs alot smoother when read in order.
also this chapter is not quite finish yet, so bare with me
note you also been the first to see this chapter, so try not to laugh.
Chapter 3: Yours, truly Alexander
Ive is in pain, pretty severe pain from the looks of things. I know he is, I saw him back there, He winced in pain as took that last corner. When he continued to make long strides along the road, he put less weight on his left leg, like a limp. Sometimes his leg would even shake a little, as if an uncontrollable convulsion climbed up his leg. I couldn’t bear to watch him in agony, I knew there was no way I beat him; I couldn’t crush his spirits like that, I would never do such a thing. So I did the ‘only thing’ I felt I could do-I dropped my books. Tried to make it look like it was an accident, but I think he knew. I think that’s why he offered to pay, why he said I was such a cool guy. Later at the coffee shop we sat on the couch next to the fireplace. He was just sitting there trying to regain control of his retired muscles. After a moment or two of silence I get up to order some food and drinks.
“I’ll have a triple-shot-Americano, with a buttered croissant, and a heated peanut-butter cookie.” He requests, as he hands me his 20-dollar bill. While I’m walking up to the Barista, I can’t control the urge to glance back at Ive. He is drifting off to sleep on the sofa. I knew he over did it, and I’d hate to be the reason he gets sick or something.
“What can I get you hun?” the Barista asks
“Um I’ll take a vanilla latte and a toasted cheddar bagel with cream cheese. Also a triple-shot –Americano, with a butter croissant, and a heated peanut-butter cookie.” I declare
“What size would you like the drinks?”
“Uh, 14oz for both I guess.”
“Okay it’ll be ready in about 7 minutes.” She concludes.
Ive is still daydreaming, so rather then disturb him I just in the seat a space away from. It’s so amazing, I’m actually ‘hanging out’ with Ive. Ever since I saw the first segment channel 3 news do a report on him, I knew I liked him. But I never thought I’d ever get to meet him, he always seemed so out of my league. It was only weeks ago, that I was so ecstatic about having him critique my drawing. I even memorized the note.
To Alex,
I really liked your drawing; I find it intriguing how you can put so much emotion and background in to something so cold. So empty. That takes talent my friend, and you’ve got it, Keep up the good work! -Ive
I was so high off of joy when I read the word friend. Like we were buddies or something, but now we might just be. Pretending to be tired I scoot a little closer to Ive and rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn’t seem to budge, so I go ahead and lean on him just a little bit more. This time he moves some, but just like an acknowledgement of my existence. On his shoulder I can smell his cologne strong, fresh, but not too over powering. I can even smell his sweat, but it’s a clean sweat though, and he just smells so, I don’t know pure? Not too long after we were awaken by the Barista’s gentle tap on our knees, to let us know our drinks are ready. Her sincere smile reassures our nervous shuffling to acquire the drinks and respond to her presents.
“You boys look exhausted these should fix you right up” she comments, handing us a tray with our goodies.
“Thanks.” Ive mumbles.
“No problem sweetie, the pleasures all mine, I’ve got to get back to the register now, but just let me know if you gentlemen need anything else” she insists. As she walks away I lean next to Ive’s ear and whisper
“I think she likes you”.
“Nah, she couldn’t, she’s just friendly, that’s all” he grumbles.
“Shhh, she can still here you! But she is so into you, she called you sweetie”.
“So, that could mean anything.” He snarls.
I think I hit a nerve, so I decide to drop it. As I reach for my Vanilla Latte, a Linken Park ring tone goes off. “ I’ve become so numb, I’ll I want to do….” Ive scurries in search of his phone.
“Hello? Uh he’s right here.” He stammers, then hands me the phone.
“It’s Alex.” I state, unsure who is on the other end.
“ Hey Ally baby, I’m making invitations for your sweet-16 and I was wondering who’s all coming. I need to know how many people I’m going to have to cook for on Saturday.”
“Mah! Couldn’t this have waited until later, I’m working with Ive right now.”
“Oh, Ive as in flash Ives, do you want me to make ‘him’ an invitation?” She howls, so loud the whole coffee shop can hear her.
“I’d love to go to your sweet 16 Alexander, why didn’t you tell me about this sooner.” Ive declares, with much amusement.
“Great then it’s settled, and be sure to come home before 9. Love you Ally cat.” She announces before she hangs up. We were both quiet again before Ive breaks the silence.
“Love you Ally cat.” He mimics before laughing his head off.
“Just drop it, would you? It not that funny!” I growl, turning my back to him. He stops laughing and says: “ Okay, your right it was stupid. I’m sorry.” Sill with my back to him I, decide to ignore, I’m not going to let him just yet. It would, be too easy.
“Come on, it was just a joke. Are you really going to be like this over such a silly thing?” he asks, when I still don’t respond he tries again.
“Fine, then I’ll just have to make it up to you.” Then he starts to rub my right shoulder. I completely melt, to sit here with Ive, well it’s all I can do to keep myself from turning around and kissing him, or punching him. God I don’t even know how I feel at this point. I should know better by know, I mean I can’t keep falling for straight guys all the time. Logically I know I have to end this before things get to awkward, but physically every muscle in my body is tense. Emotionally, I want to be held, by him, forever. And I know it’s stupid and absurd, but I can’t get my self to move, to speak, or do anything at all. I need him to be closer, to be feeling the same way I do, to make the first move. Let me know it’s okay to be so enthralled by his touch. Before I know Ive reaches for my other shoulder, now subjecting me to total peace and comfort. I hate him for making me feel this way, I’m so confused now. Once I finally relax and let myself fall into Ive’s control, giving him all the cards and opening myself up to any possibility. Just as I start trust him, start to let go, he gets up, so suddenly that I fall back.
“I have to go, I was supposed to meet up with my dad 10 minutes ago.” He says while gathering his things to leave. Before he leaves I notice he left his cookie.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” I ask holding the cookie up.
“You keep it. Later”
“See yah,” And before I knew he was out the door. It was sweet of him to leave me the cookie, too bad I’m allergic to peanuts. Still taken back from all that has happened in the last few hours, I grab my latte which is finally cool enough to drink, sit back and take a sip of the creamy vanilla goodness. Just when I’m ready leave, Ive comes bursting through the doors, restless and out of breath he takes a moment or two to summon his thoughts.
“What do you want?” He asks
“Uh, what do you mean?”
“For your birthday, what do want?” he clarifies
“Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really given it much thought.”
“Well think about it, I don’t want to have come to your party empty handed. Are you gonna need a ride, because I sure my dad wouldn’t mind giving you a lift.”
“Okay that sounds good, but just one I need your phone number. In case I come up with something.” I try to say as smoothly as possible, while I gather my books to leave.
“Yeah here just let me find a pen, you want my home number too. There you have it, my cell and home phone number. Well we should really meet up with my dad before he has a cow or something, he hates it when people are late.” He jokes as he hands me his number. In disbelief I thank him and we head back to school. On the way home I was quiet the whole time, because I’m stunned that I’m hanging out with Ive, that he’s going to birthday party, or that he gave his phone number, but most of all I’m that Ive Cheval is actually giving me the time of day, that he actually cares.
______________________________________________
So the character Alexander is gay, but Ive doesn't really know that yet
please leave replies I need feedback
was it too much, what do you think?
Let me know-later
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
'kay, I'm back
So, let's run over some of the basics...
Imagery
This is a point that I think could really make your story. Using imagery would vastly improve this. Use figurative language, metaphors, similes. Paint pictures in our minds.
You need to paint images in our minds. Make us see what is going on. Describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes and the textures, the latter and former only if relevant. You should use some figurative language to improve this poem. Similes, metaphors and such, would really make this poem. You need to paint the scenes. Make us feel what you want us to feel.
Now, let's move onto some famous examples.
eeeeeek >.<
I have to go do homework
I'll be back later though. xD
Well, there's quite a lot of spelling errors. Methinks you might want them pointed out so I shall do two critiques. This is the first one, which is simply a run over all your work, sentences I like and sentences I don't. Errors and such. Then, I'll come back and do another more helpful one on the overall piece. Okay? To get started on the first piece:
Note This is very indepth and I may sound a bit harsh at times
Now, this is me being extremely nit-picky, but here you need to tighten up on your grammar. If you don't even bother to capitalize your I's why should we be expected to critique? If you're going to write a note make it short and to the point, at the same time make sure you have good grammar, bad grammar way at the start is off-putting and will discourage us from reading on. To fix them;
I've should be capitalized. Eeeeeek >.< me being a grammar perfectionist/ hypocrite but... y'no. Your next problem is that you don't capitalize the first letter after full stops. However, I'm sure you know that they should be capitalized. xD
should be sense. should be recommend. I think you mean Alexander's perspective. should be Ive's perspective. There are a few more errors but I shall not go into those just now. Eeeeeeeeek >.<, wow I've been rambling for that long about a tiny problem? Well, hopefully this'll help you in future, or maybe not. I shall stop rambling now.
should be bear. Finish should be finished You may want to use some grammar articles, we have loads here, when I first arrived my grammar was terrible, but it has improved significantly, or so I like to think. xD
My inner grammar freak has started to fit. This sentence really doesn't make any sense, I kind of get what you mean... anyway, I shall stop babbling.
You've put the comma in the wrong place, methinks
Right, I'm not amazing at opening sentences, but this one doesn't work. That said it's probably alright, but I don't get a sense of intrigue and anticipation. To be brutally honest I don't really want to read on from here with that opening sentence. You need to grab us and bring us into your world with an opener. We have loads of people here that could help you with that, I'm not one of them.
I could beat him Heheh you have no idea how much that made me laugh. I'm pretty sure you meant tired muscles and not retired
Um is a word used to portray hesitance, therefore there should be a break after it, in form of an ellipse (...) comma or other proper grammar. Something I notice about your writing; the words to suggest speech are too practised, they're not natural. You wouldn't declare in this instance, trying too hard is annoying, said, as simple as it is, would work much better here. xD
Right, I am about to make myself either look normal or stupid. People wouldn't say oz, would they? Unless they do that where you come from. They would say whatever measurement oz is for (heheh I'm from Britain and we don't use oz here
No! Again with those words, concludes just isn't natural here
I take it you mean sit in the seat... Careful with your grammar, please. xD [qutoe]It’s so amazing, I’m actually ‘hanging out’ with Ive. Ever since I saw the first segment channel 3[/quote] Three. I like this. Realistic and well done
No. Doesn't read right; try:
Comma, you need to really watch this grammar. Comma. Watch the grammar. COMMA!!! Heheheh I go crazy
sixteen, then a comma!!! Not to be mean or anything but I'm growing really bored of telling you this. Comma! Comma! Comma! Nine Comma It's not it. No exclamation mark needed. You're not your comma Still not sill. Cool. It's good that you're writing topics that are controversial. I love that
Okay, I'm going to be totally honest with you. I actually had to force my way through this, there were so many grammar mistakes. I thought about giving up a lot of times, but decided I would carry on to be fair. Tomorrow I'll do the longer review, but right now I'm off to review someone else's stuff.
Maybe check out some grammar articles, and always be sure to click the check spelling button before submitting.
I am sure lots of people won't be able to force their way through. Not to be mean, you just need to seriously fix the grammar. Otherwise no one is going to be interested in reading this.
So, tomorrow I'll do you a review on imagery and stuff. The actual story. Tonight was just grammar and such.
'till tomorrow
~Lost
xD
Interesting!
It has lots of potential to develop.
You just have to brush up a bit on your english.
You tend to mispell or skip a word.
One thing I'm not sure of though,
Should this story be considered a romance and PG-13 as the story progresses?
Well, if the content leans towards the criteria I'm talking about,
Be sure to watch out for that.
Another thing...
It could just be me, being my usual blur self,
Or did you skip the part where they actually go to the library to do work?
Anyway, I'll be looking out for your story,
I liked it