You know, you mentioned this poem to me the other day, and I didn't know whether I had said anything on it or not. Guess not.
I read Snoinks adjective cut version. It felt naked to me. Sure, the adjectives are straining, but your style needs it. I suppose if you cut the adjectives, and then used stronger verbs, it might work out, but I liked the choking adjectives in this one.
I only partially agree with the comment on abstraction - partially because I'm not good with the abstract, and so I can't exactly hold the comment and think about it. I don't entirely "get it".
I did like this though, Although some lines didn't make sense to me, the majority of it did. I think, in an effort to save the poem, you should give it something concrete to be working off of. A Person, a memory of what they are reciting, and action, a moment. Something that is actually there, rather than just the telling.
I'm not even going to say, "This poem makes me feel nothing," because honestly, I believe that a poem doesn't always need to appeal the reader, though I constantly say that. It's the best way to explain it to new people. I think if a poem is beautiful, then it automatically expresses its self to the reader, because the reader will see that. It doesn't need to go into the reader if it is beautiful; they'll find a way to pull it into themselves, because they like it so much. I think if you worked your way over the abstract issues, this poem might end up like that.
It's odd, I'm reading your poetry now, and I'm liking it more. Something in my brain must have freaked out, because usually I just don't understand your poetry xD
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