As requested. ^~
This world is the only one we have; the others
are too far away. The universe rambles on
and forgets itself, repeating old stories (perhaps).
There’s no knowing much except rain today: white
daisies, light that’s been unchanged and green
since dawn, white daisies pointing their faces
either where the sun would be or surely is.
I agree with Ed that the color motif you have going doesn't quite work, but I'm not so vehemently against as he is. It's just not as subtlely done as I'm used to seeing from you, and with something as tricky as colors, subtlety's key. I do however love the rest of the imagery, especially the last two (of the green light and the daisies finding the sun). That last in particular is well-worded: "white daisies pointing their faces / either where the sun would be or surely is." There's the subtlety I'm used to seeing from you. ^~
The woods are green as the air and the sky white
behind them. On one dead branch, a gold finch,
a bright apostrophe. But also the road’s wet respiration,
the steady splash of traffic. You could look to the woods
or the road, imagine the earth’s curve, almost hear
the war past this horizon and a hundred more.
I personally like how you've flipped the colors here--before, earth was equated with white and sky with green, now earth, green and sky, white--but again, it just seems a little clunky, a little baldly stated for you. Compared to the grace of the rest of your verse, it stands out. The goldfinch as an apostrophe, though? I LOVE IT. Again, the imagery here is very vivid; I can see it perfectly.
Couldn’t you? Couldn’t you hear the war, know
just where it begins, after many roads and cities or right next door?
At least, think of this: the shops are shuttered like your heart.
In the upper stories of buildings, people move warily
behind their windows. It is time to leave this country,
they think, but they don’t leave: by the time you have
drawn your breath sharply after an explosion, it’s over,
and you look outside to see what has changed.
You can’t tell, at first.
But here, it is simply raining.
Hm. I'm ambivalent (leaning towards dislike) about the first "couldn't you." The repetition seems a little gimmicky. Frankly, I think it would work better if you deleted the first "couldn't you" and raised the "just where" to the first line, having the second begin, appropriately, with "it begins."
Other than that, this is even more vibrant than your earlier stanzas; it practically breathes in its own right. You truly are a master poet in the making. ^~
Points: 1144
Reviews: 381
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