first in a long, long while.
Raze the Roof
Let’s sit and discuss the morality of walking through walls;
of coursing through the veins of this place like syphilis.
The writing on the lawn, (though the lighting’s all wrong)
smears something like iloveyou.
We’ll steal a deep breath, of asbestos and loneliness,
and call it home.
And I’ll count blessings like calories,
because optimism’s in my blood,
and my cells can’t cope with sincerity like they should.
I prick every finger that brushed past this place,
suck out the venom,
hold it on my tongue like wine.
A toast to the new year, with blood and broken glass.
A toast to the corpses of my past, and especially to
those still tied up in the trunk,
just trying to catch their breath as if it did
something criminal.
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
hi, i'm praise and i love the re-edited version of your work.
Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:46 am Post subject: Raze the Roof
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first in a long, long while.
Raze the Roof
Let’s sit and discuss the morality of walking through walls;
of coursing through the veins of this place like syphilis.
The writing on the lawn, (though the lighting’s all wrong)
smears something like iloveyou.
We’ll steal a deep breath, of asbestos and loneliness,
and call it home.
And I’ll count blessings like calories,
because optimism’s in my blood,
and my cells can’t cope with sincerity like they should.
I prick every finger that brushed past this place,
suck out the venom,
hold it on my tongue like wine.
A toast to the new year, with blood and broken glass.
A toast to the corpses of my past, and especially to
those still tied up in the trunk,
just trying to catch their breath as if it did
something criminal.
thanks
This poem read like it was trying to impersonate lyrics but didn't quite want to (the second stanza especially). In all, I'm kind of confused. I like the first stanza a lot, but what follows seems to be so different (in tone, subject matter, images, etc.), and completely contrary to what you're commenting on. "The morality of walking through walls" was perfect for this idea.
Keep at it!
Thanks for all the feedback, everyone =]
It was intended as commentary on the weird relationship between people and the places they choose to live. Each one leaves its mark on the other, etc, etc, and what happens when that relationship changes/is gone.
Sorry if that wasn't clear.
Oh, and errtu2, I'll try and crit that piece as soon as I can. I'm busy at the moment, and you've already had to wait, but I'll make sure to get to it soon =].
And thanks again, everyone.
Oh my gosh this is beautiful. I ADORE it. Truly, truly wonderful, I am so impressed. This is the best poem I've read in a long time =] I'm having such a good day today. The first two lines really got me straight away,
Let’s sit and discuss the morality of walking through walls;
of coursing through the veins of this place like syphilis.
Just perfect. I thought 'this could just go down hill' but it didn't at all, it kept up being brilliant right to the end. I honestly have nothing to say as critisism, this is just perfect.
This poem sounds like something strait out of the sunset tree by the mountain goats. That being said, well done. Its modern and accessible without being childish in the least, a rare feat.
This wonderful description of a home is an excellent counterweight to both the angst teenage description of home and the bubble gum home is where the heart is tripe.
Again, good work.
If you could see you way over to 8 ways of looking at trees in the other poetry section i would appreciate it.
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Wow. I have to agree that the imagery is good. But it's kinda unclear of what you're trying to say...is it something to do with life?
Overall, it was good. Great choice of words.
Wow, I loved this piece. The imagery is astounding, really.
I loved this stanza best, especially the picture I get with the last line. Gorgeous writing!
The last stanza (especially the last few lines) were nice as well, I liked the way they ended the poem.
I hope to read more of your poetry soon =]