z

Young Writers Society



Epitaph For a Vegetable

by whence


They had bleached the sheets again, of course. The bedfittings always came back, ironed to a fault and with a bitter aftertaste. No matter… there would be plenty of time for you to break them down, to shatter the crisp and stain the canvas. After all, that’s really what they were, sheets; a canvas, renewed daily, but always eager to soak in some new abstraction. A modern assimilation? Well here’s some steel for you to temper… the sheets would whisper, tangible in their measuring up.

The mirrors were gone. They had followed the books… certainly the pen would be next. But aren’t heartstroke and brushbeat even more desperate, aching in their forms?… the sheets put in. Ah, no matter. There was crimson ink enough. Padded paces slid into your mutterings. No, that wasn’t right, the footsteps were in the hall, surely leaving your tongue to its musings? The opening door left the question answered, but the syringe posed a new one. A shadow of adrenaline came over the orderly’s usually composed face. No…this wasn’t right.

‘Just a little prick, and it’ll all be over, Mr. Prawda’ but there was more, murmured under breath with the surety that only muteness can bring ‘all…over…’

Ah, well… can’t visuals have an epilogue? No. This wasn’t right, it couldn’t be. They must’ve gotten something wrong… all wrong. They’d have to do it over. All of it, over.

The orderly reached forward, and the nectar was pushed into your thigh. You swallow what’s left of your spit, hoping to drown that invading serum, which even now must be bleeding its way out, and down, and up. All…over… The sheets were in a heap beside the bed, and a white-coated person passed through the doorarch.

‘Yes, I’m sure of it. After Schiavo, there’s definite precedent. And really, isn’t it for the best?’

Panic was coursing through, perhaps it had been blended with that clear-white secretion the needle had brought. Regardless, you were desperate now; shouldn’t they have heard it in your heartbeat? That it was wrong. This wasn’t in the plan. They should have heard.

Well, they say an artist’s work is only appreciated after his death offered the sheets with a snicker. And your screaming heartbeat slowed, and your eyelids never fluttered to begin with, or they would’ve stopped by now. With the pen from the orderly’s pocket, ‘M’ was blotted onto the late Mr. Praw’s forehead, and the sheets were tossed into the skyblue hamper, destined for the wash and the Dry. No…that, among all this, was wrong. The wash and the Dye.


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Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:32 pm
Barrio wrote a review...



I'm a fan, i can't say i knew too well what was going on but it was written weirdly, good weirdly. I liked the vagueness to be quite honest, if was fun to have no idea really what was going on and to just enjoy the emotions put forth by a blanket and an orderly?




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Wed Jul 18, 2007 9:59 am
whence says...



gah, sorry. The edits keep getting messed up... I'm not sure why...

But I've done a re-re-edit, and hopefully it'll stick this time.




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Wed Jul 18, 2007 1:13 am
AndNeverAgainx3 says...



that was freaking amazing!
really great point to the story...awesome way to get it across!
your imagery is excellent and you have a great vocabulary!




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Tue Jul 17, 2007 10:08 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Ah. I just read this on the death scene competiton and yes, it's much better without the POV changes. Your description is vivid but the piece is rather vague. I've read it twice and I'm still a little confused. The title does not help. Overall though, it's a good, desciriptive piece with a rather interesting use of second person and I think I just lost my place in the competition...




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Tue Jul 17, 2007 8:29 pm
whence says...



edited!

I hope I fixed the POV issues, thanks for the crits :)




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Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:21 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



I find the sheet being a character mystifying, and as par, I'm somewhat confused :lol: But some parts I understood, and enjoyed.

You have some errors - but you're a smart boy so I'm not line by lining for you.

They always came back, ironed to a fault and with a bitter aftertaste.
Who tastes sheets?

I'm just confused in the action, you know? You do write nicely, but the actions are muddled and I'm lost. I don't even know what POV I'm in, so much as who's. First person, of the man in the hospital? No clue. And what are they doing to him?

Perhaps the greatest problem this has is the lack of conflict. Some things can survive without conflict, but if I can't even understand the story and yet I see the lack of conflict, something is up.

I love your writing yet I can't comprehend it =] I really can't wait until you bloom into something amazing.




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Fri Jun 29, 2007 4:44 pm
Black Ghost wrote a review...



‘Just a little prick, and it’ll all be over, Mr. Prawda’


‘Yes, I’m sure of it. After Schiavo, there’s definite precedent. And really, isn’t it for the best?’


First of all, please put these in proper quotations. Now on the piece itself...it was sort of vague, so I had to read it few times to get the picture of what was happening. The best way I could describe this was that it was very poetic in its description, which made for some vivid imagery, which was nice. But one problem I found is that you seem to switch from third person to second person during the whole scene. One specific instance would be here:

But yet, the orderly reached forward, and the nectar was pushed into his thigh. You swallow what’s left of your spit, hoping to drown that invading serum, which even now must be bleeding its way out, and down, and up


In the first sentence you refer to "him", but in the second sentence you're speaking directly to the reader. It adds more confusion that way, which you really don't need since this piece is vague enough without it. I would suggest you change it all to third person, since it is a bit creepy in second person. Up to you, though. :P

But then again I don't know much about prose, so feel free to take what you want of this. :lol:

Hope that helps,
Tony





I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Émile Zola