Young Writers Society

Not a bad idea at all. It's very confusing thought. You are rushing everything and it is hard to keep up with it. Go back and explain things a little better. Also add a little more detail in general to the story, you have five senses use them.
I like the idea of this story. It's a little more original then most.

thank you guys for you comments and help, i did write this quite quickly, it was a imagination burst and i am also not a very strong speller (Sorry)
well this is my edited version and at the moment i am trying to write the next bit but i am on a writers block!
thankyou for all you help and support!
emily x

* * * * *


They were walking together in a group, a loud, boisterous group. They looked around to find their victim and found it. The quiet girl from maths class, sat right at the back so no one could talk to her. Maria they thought her name was. Never really talked, only if the teacher asked her for the answer but even then you could only barely make out her voice. Whenever you saw her, her head would be looking down at her feet and her long brown hair would be covering her face, like she didn’t want the world to see it.
She was perfect for the job.

“Oy,” the tallest boys shouted. Her head lifted a little just to see who shouted to her.
The group ran up to her and stopped only a couple of feet away from her.
“Can we ask you something,: What's the worst thing that has happened to you? Random I know, but what is it?” the tall boy asked her.
She merely shrugged her shoulders in reply and slowly turned in the opposite direction to head off.
“Wait a sec, Dave do it, come on.” The boy nudged a boy standing next to him.
The boy stared at the girl. For about ten seconds , his eyes looking into hers, or rather around them, as if he had to look at all of her eye.”
“You were kidnapped. Weren't you?” he said.
“You were kidnapped!” the whole group choked.
“How did you find that out?” she asked curiously.
“None of your business.” the boy said
“Wait a sec, you were kidnapped! When….how!” the tall boy shouted out
The girl put her finger tips to the boy’s temples and both their eyes closed almost immediately.
Their faces were straight. The girl’s eyes were closed but moving.
The group stared, but the two were still.
She took her hands down and pulled him away from the group.
“You’re a truth seeker aren’t you.?” the girl finally said.
“A what?” he asked.
He stared at her like she thought she was made, but her face had concern.

“Have you been getting any visits in your dreams?” she asked .
“What?”
“Visits, you know. Like people coming to you in your dream and speaking to you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he pleaded.
“Come on Dave. Stop chatting her up,” a different from the group boy laughed.
Dave turned his head and gave them a sarcastic look.
“How did you figure out you could tell when people were lying?” she said getting his attention back
“Um, I dunno really, just started to realise when people lied to me, like when my mate was telling me he had to go to this family reunion, but I could tell he was lying. But then it started to get to the point when I started to tell what they were lying about.”
“Did anyone know about this, like even a smig of it.”
“Well apart from these guys, who just think I know everything about everyone at this school and the staring thing was suppose to scare you, but then after you tell me all this, it’s more or less you scaring me .”
“Sorry but you have to know about what you are. Well if anyone comes up to you telling you about this or asking you if you have it, don’t.”
“Why, you do realise it’s weird having this.”
“I know what you’re going through.”
“Are you sure you do? And who is going to come up to me and ask me those questions.”
“The people who kidnapped me.”
“What?” he questioned
“God, how to explain this. Basically in basic basic form they are what you could call the bad guys, you know the ones that want to try to do things that could kill millions of people bla bla bla you get the picture. Well me and my people are like the good guys trying to stop them. And these people want special people, like you and me to either help them or to be taken captive if on the wrong side.”
“Right then.” He said sarcastically “Look ok, don’t take this offensively but how do I know that you aren’t some freak who is able to come up with ridiculous things like that.”
“I’d be some freak.” she laughed
“ye.”
“Ok, well this next part depends on your choice, I think it would be best if my guys saw you for a bit , for just a bit of training and maybe even to see if you have any more powers.
“were would they be would it be far?”
“In another world. Yes are other worlds, groups, and beliefs. Millions actually, with different ways of thinking than the other worlds or groups.”
“Right then, that does make sense.” He said
“It will do soon, and if anything else different happens, tell me ok?”
“Ye sure, oh and by the way, what’s your name?”
“Mariella” she replied
"Cool, my names Dave.”
“Right then Dave, remember what I have said, I’ll take you to my guys in a bit, I’ve got to do something important first.”
And with that Mariella turned on her heals and walked away from Dave, leaving him standing alone with confusion and wonder by his side.

I noticed alot of grammer things in there, and stuff that just didn't make sense, but it seams that you've already had that mentioned to you. I like the storyline, it looks like it could shape into somthing really well done if you keep at it. I found the end a bit confusing. It might help to know whether or not this is a world where magic is known about openly, or if it's a secret.

This is a really good idea you have. To me throughout this post, you kinda rushed it. It all happens very fast, and this "Dave" finds out really fast that he is a "truth seeker". This might just be me, but it might be better to length it out.
Everything else was covered before me, so I have nothing else to say but "good idea"! Keep it going!

SeleneForeverDream wrote:There are a lot of mistakes, but other than that the story itself is very interesting.

There are a lot of mistakes, but other than that the story itself is very interesting. Also, have you ever read the Sword of Truth series? Richard is the Seeker in this story, which means he seeks the truth along with Confessors of the Midlands. I shouldn't give away too much, but I highly recommend it.

Ok i'll correct as I go along!!

whatever1274 wrote:They were walking together in a group, a loud, boisterous group. They looked around to find theretheir victim and found it. The quiet girl from math[s]s[/s] class,run-on Maria they thought her name was. Never really talked, only if the teacher asked her for the answer but even then you could only barleybarely make out her voice. Whenever you saw her, her head would be down looking at her feet and her long brown hair covering her face, like she didn’t want the world to see it. She was perfect for the job.
“Oy” one of the boys shouted. Her head lifted a little just to see who shouted to her.
The group ran up to her quickly and becamewere only a couple of feet away from her.
“Can we ask you something,: What's [s]what’s[/s] the worst thing that has happened to you.? Random I know, but what is it?” the same boy asked her.What same boy a little confusing...
She merely shrugged her shoulders [s]with[/s]in reply and slowly turned in the opposite direction to head off.
“Wait a sec,. Dave do it, come on.” The boy nudged another another...what
The boy then stared at the girl. sentence fragment>For about 10 seconds and kept eye contact with her, his eyes were looking into her eyes but looking all around them as if he had to look at all of her eye.
“You were kidnapped. Weren't [s]weren’t[/s] you?” He said .
“You were kidnapped!” the whole group chocked.
“How did you find that out?” she asked curiously and quietly[/b], but with concern.
“None of your business.” The boy said
“Wait a sec, you were kidnapped! When….how!” a boy curiously[b] curiously...
The girl put her finger tips to the boy’s temples and both their eyes closed almost immediately.
Their faces were straight but the girl’s eyes were closed but moving, like looking inside the boy somehow unexplainable. The group stared, but the two were still.
She took her hands down and pulled him away from the group.
“You’re a truth seeker aren’t you[s].[/s]?” The girl finally said.
“A what?” He questioned.
“Have you been getting any visits in your dreams?” she asked
“What?”
“Visits, you know. Like people coming to you in your dream and speaking to you?”
“I don’t know what you’re [s]on[/s]talking about” pleadedpleaded...
“Come on Dave. Stop chatting her up.” The boy laughed.
“How did you figure out you could tell when people were lying?” she demanded.
“Um, I duno really, just started to realise when people lied to me, like when my mate was telling me he had to go to this family thingyuse a different word besides thingy...its weak but I could tell he was lying. But then it started to get to the point when I started to tell what they were lying about.”
“Did anyone know about this, like even a smig of it.”
“Well apart from these guys, who just think I know everything about everyone at this school and the staring thing was suppose to scare you .”it seems like you didnt finish the sentence...
“Oh, good well if anyone comes up to you telling you about this or asking you if you have it, don’t.”
“Why, you do realise its weird having this.”
“I know what you’re going through.”
“Are you sure you do?[s], and [/s]who is going to come up to me and ask me those questions.”
“The people who kidnapped me.”
“What?” he questioned
“God, how to explain this. Basically in basic basic form they are what you could call the bad guys, you know the ones that want to try to do things that could kill millions of people bla bla bla you get the picture. Well me and my people are like the good guys trying to stop them. And these people want special people, like you and me to either help them or to be taken captive if on the wrong side.”
“Ok, now you’re going to tell me now there are other world and all that jazz ye?
“Yes there are actually other worlds, groups, and beliefs. Millions actually, with different ways of thinking than the other worlds or groups.”
“Right then, that does make sense.” He said sarcastically.
“It will do soon, and by the way if anything else like being a truth seeker happens, tell me ok?”
“Ye sure, oh and by the way, what’s your name?”
“Mariella” she replyedreplied
"Cool, my names Dave.”
“Cool.”

First thing first: just so you know, YWS has a 2:1 rule. That is to say, for every one story/poem you post up, should first write two reviews. This helps to keep everything fair and balanced, and ensures that there are enough reviews to go around. =)

It'd be much appreciated if you posted a few reviews as soon as possible.


Okay then, onto the actual review:

They looked around to find there victim and found it.

Never really talked, only if the teacher asked her for the answer, but even then you could only barley make out her voice.

Whenever you saw her, her head would be down looking at her feet and her long brown hair would be covering her face, like she didn’t want the world to see it.

She was perfect for the job.

“Oy,” one of the boys shouted.

The group ran up to her quickly and became only a couple of feet away from her.

“Can we ask you something, what’s the worst thing that has happened to you. Random I know, but what is it?”

She merely shrugged her shoulders with reply and slowly turned in the opposite direction to head off.

“Wait a sec, Dave do it, come on.” The boy nudged another.

The boy then stared at the girl. For about 10 seconds and kept eye contact with her, his eyes were looking into her eyes

but looking all around them as if he had to look at all of her eye.

“You were kidnapped, weren’t you?” He said.

“You were kidnapped!” the whole group chocked.

“How did you find that out?” she asked curiously and quietly but with concern.

“None of your business.” The boy said.

“Wait a sec, you were kidnapped! When….how!” a boy curiously.

Their faces were straight but the girl’s eyes were closed but moving, like looking inside the boy somehow unexplainable.

“You’re a truth seeker aren’t you.” The girl finally said.

“A what?” He questioned.

“Have you been getting any visits in your dreams?” she asked.

“I don’t know what you’re on about,” pleaded.

“Come on Dave, stop chatting her up.” The boy laughed.

“How did you figure out you could tell when people were lying?” she demanded.

“Um, I duno really,

“What?” he questioned.

“Right then, that does make sense.” He said sarcastically.

“Mariella,” she replyed.