Young Writers Society

The world is a whitewashed gray,
and i see through half closed eyes,
watching a granite sundial in the shade,
and grasping at the sky for a sunrise.

For some reason, this really appealed to me. I don't know what it was, but I just really liked these four lines.

It's cold out here today,
but i'm not near surprised.

This seems a bit forced. In your attempt to retain the rhythym, it was lost. I suggest a different word then "near". It doesn't quite fit.

The sunlight shied away,
and left the world in winter's ice.
I tried to find the day,
but i succumbed to winter's vice.

get rid of "I" here. It breaks up the rhythym. Either that, or change "Succumb", because neither fits comfortably here.

Oh what i wouldn't give to live!
To feel what others feel
To smell the flowers, and hear the birds,
instead of this flatline squeal!

I would make this poem longer and go into more detail about the aformentioned "flatline squeel".



Over all, this is a great first draft. The rhythym is off in some spots, and it's rather vague, but overall, it is a good start. I'd like to see more of this when it is finished.


Cheers,
Pros

whataboutlimes wrote:The world is a whitewashed gray,
and i see through half closed eyes,
watching a granite sundial in the shade,
and grasping at the sky for a sunrise.

this does not make sense. let me explain.

in the beginning two lines, the imagery suggests someone who's halfasleep and sleepily watching something. then suddenly in the last line, he's desperately grasping something and apparently wide-awake. this is too much of an abrupt contradiction for me to stomach.

also, if your in the shade, then that means it must be daytime. and then you say that your waiting for a sunrise, which means its nighttime, which means there must be no shade...do you proofread your poetry? just wondering.

Raindrops graze my skin,
and shudders grip my thighs.

nothing too remarkable but the image works i suppose.

It's cold out here today,
but i'm not near surprised.

rain, shivering, nighttime...i already knew that it was cold, don't tell the reader like this. also, why would you expect to be surprised in the first place? you didn't explain...unless the coldness is death's embrace. i guess that works then.

The sunlight shied away,
and left the world in winter's ice.
I tried to find the day,

is this a flashback? i'm assuming that it is. if so, then this works well because you use the themes of night and day to mean knowledge and confusion (a cliche to be sure, but i won't complain this time).

but i succumbed to winter's vice.
Oh what i wouldn't give to live!
To feel what others feel
To smell the flowers, and hear the birds,
instead of this flatline squeal!

is the narrator dead? this is the vibe i'm getting from the poem near the end, when he wishes he could live. unless he's living a monotonous life, in which case it makes sense too. but the end "flat line squeal" gives it away that he's a corpse because that's the sound one of those medical devices makes when a person dies...right?

hmm, this poem is rather deep but simple imagery cuts away the profundity it may have had. make it more surreal and your theme will expose itself nicely without it seeming like the theme's being forced out with a cattle prod.

Nice poem, now time for the real work....(sigh grammar and spelling)

and i see through half closed eyes

Capitalize your I

but i'm not near surprised

Capitalize your I

The sunlight shied away,

Is it shed or shield? Unless I am mistaken is Shied a word? If it is what does it mean?

but i succumbed to winter's vice.
Oh what i wouldn't give to live!

Capitalize I


Well that's it. You just need to remember to capitalize your I(s). I liked this, good word use ^_^