dont you care
you say you do
but you dont show it
and you dont know
when you say you care
you break me more
when you try to build me up
in the end you tear me down
because you dont know the truth
you dont see the scars
all you see
are the pictures in the stars
those ones that tell
of happiness and love
but those arent true
they're stories of gods
and bed time tales
so why dont try
looking forward instead
I think it was okay but like the others said it need more emotion. Also, I think for this"so why dont try looking forward instead" you should try saying Why don't YOU try. And, dont should be Don't or don't. I think rewriting this could also change the flow of the poem to make it sound better.
alright...it was a good atempt but a miserable fail. you deffinatly NEED PUCTUATION!!!!
i found it a little confusing and i desperate need of emotion.as said above...you have so much inside you're trying to "expose"therefore making you bounce all over the place. try to focus on one thing at a time and work with the words, minipulate them. you have so much power...USE IT! with some re-writting this could turn out really good. MAKE ME FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL. get the reader involved and feeling your emotions.
dont mean to cut you down but simply to point out your weaknesses. i believe that you have it in you, your just a little shy. PM if oyu have questions (i dont bite, i promise)
hiiiiiiii.........
After reading the whole thing....i can be sure about 1 thing ...n that is .....you have a whole lot of emotions going on inside you.....and here you tried to pour them all out in one go......thats probably why you messed up a bit....
here are a few suggestions....
1)Whenever you write,be sure you are able to make your reader involved and he's able to understand what you want to share.
2)Be more elaborate and try to cover each aspect of the subject you chose.
3)Try not to use the same phrases or words again n again in the your poem.
it was a nice attempt but next time dont try to shell out everything in 1 go.....thats when you miss out a lot and confuse the reader.....
wewinwelose wrote:dont you care
you say you do
but you dont show it
and you dont know
when you say you care
you break me more
when you try to build me up
in the end you tear me down
because you dont know the truth
you dont see the scars
all you see
are the pictures in the stars
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