Like a train wreck in motion I watch as you fly
Up to the heavens and down from the skies.
A powerful movement of life into death
As your fall conquers both, and still neither yet.
A match away from the highest of highs,
A needle too far from the right way to die.
Anything to escape from this wretched life.
The most dramatic of exits is learning to fly.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello! I like reading this poem. It has a good vibe to it. But there are some lines that I don't really get like :
"A powerful movement of life into death"
And:
"A needle too far from the right way to die".
I think the 6th line doesn't sound right and also the last line, its like its lacking a word or something. Though it has an image to it but you have to make sure that the readers can understand your poem because there some that doesn't understand metaphorical meanings. So yeah!
This poem is about committing suicide with heroin. If you have no experience with drugs, there's little to no way you'll understand the poem the way it was written, so read it the way you understand it.
Hello, wewinwelose,
I enjoyed this, but I don't know if I should have. The description is very grim, but I don't really feel that in the poem until the last line (which is brilliant and the best line in the whole poem). I think that one of the main factors that is holding this poem back from its main feeling is the rhyme scheme.
Now, I know, I'm not a fan of rhyme to begin with, but here, it just does nothing to aid the poem, and in fact its sing-songiness hurts it quite a bit. I would love to feel the anguish of watching a friend do this (through your poem, not real life, and I'm sorry for what you and she/he/xe are going through), but I can't feel anything because the tone is marred by the rhyme.
Furthermore, a poem has to stand on its own, and while this might, I don't think that people are going to quite understand what you're getting at. You have the paraphernalia references, yes, but is that enough? Many people use drugs and their paraphernalia as metaphors these days, and I just don't know if it's enough to show that this is literal.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
I intentionally make my poetry sing a happy tune to a dark undertone. I find it makes the reader think, and leaves the poem up to individual interpretation based on the reader's personal life experience. I write the emotion of what I feel, not the literal happenstance, so that the reader can lift their own reflection from the poem. This is why it is sing songy and why it does not directly state what it is about. Look at it without the descriptor and tell me what you see
I just loved your poem. it was full of cheer and it encoded a positive message. i appreciate the brief, simple yet too strong style.
I get a full idea and your thought is well built in your poem, but for the nitpick-
Firstly - " powerful movement " . the word movement is seeming some odd, i think you can think of it and come up with something more appropriate like " journey" or something similar.
" A needle too far from the right way to die." i am not fully sure that i get what you meant here. do you apply it to the science that a needle drowns in water at times but floats when skillfully placed, or you mean that even a needle may kill us, please tell me what you mean here.
i practically have no more points to remark on. just keep on writing and post more of your works here and i would like to read them. and i am just asking for a favor- if you get some scope please read some of my minor works that i post here and place your review.
keep writing,
Rituparna
The needle too far from the right way to die line is referencing using heroin to kill yourself. I intentionally make my poems sing songy with dark undertones.
Short yet powerful. Way to go
The poem is good! It has a good read to it! The poem is clean. When I read it, I can actually imagine what it means in each line. Somehow, the poem is telling us that we have the power to free ourselves. Am I right? Or am I wrong? Cause that's how I read it. Overall, the poem is really good!
I write my poetry to have various meanings and I love your interpretation, though it is not why I wrote the poem. THAT OF Course never makes an interpretation wrong. To me this entire poem is about trying to commit suicide with heroin.
Wow, this is amazing, I read it over and obver again, the way that you stitched the words together with such elegance and how the rhymes flow so easily off the tongue, just, Wow. You have rendered me speechless. I see the melancholy tone without the description and it is obvious, but not too obvious what it is about. This is just so amazing. Wow.
Thank you! Positive reviews have a way of building a writer's muse. I appreciate you taking the time to read my work.