Young Writers Society

Hey there! Time for my review;

Picky things;

Okay so firstly, I didn't like the structure much, 'cause it all just runs into one big block and that makes it really hard for there to be any kind of flow going on. When you have created a flow, the reader tends to be able to read the piece easier and also enjoy it more.

You also need to do things about your spelling, grammar and punctuation, because your work would then look a lot more professional. Snoink has pointed out the typo "waist" so remember to change it. Also, capitalize your "I"'s and pretty much capitalize some of the beginning letters of each line, as I feel that the lack of this does not fit right into the poem.

You have a few lines that don't really make sense, such as; "They dont want me". This should be changed to something else, like "You" instead of "They" as it would make more sense and you're not then jumping from person to person.

Try to use a varied amount of punctuation, just to create the right pauses and such through the poem. You've barely used punctatuion through this, and I think just a few commas, periods and hyphens here and there would brighten it up.

Praise for;

Your idea is excellent. You put across a well used idea into something that had your own unique twist to it and that made it more enjoyable to read. Your rhythm, in most places, coupled along with the rhymes that you made, worked well with the idea of the poem and I think you pretty much scored top marks in that area.

My favourite section must've been;

"we had a plan
we had a life
but all you brought
was pain and strife"

In this, you fitted the right amount of syllables into each line and the rhyming was really good! The flow that you created was somewhat simple, but that never hurt anyone.

Hope this helps you in your editing.
Happy writing!

The intentions of the poem are really good especially as poems of the sort tend to have a good impact on the reader.
I will say though that you really need to add in punctuation because i sped through it, without pauses, and therefore didn't take in every aspect of what you were getting across.
Just a few more poetic techniques like similes would really help this poem reach its full potential
i think its a great start though and very well though up.

hey.....this was just an amazing piece of work.......
brilliant......
u make the reader feel what you're feeling .....

however there were a few things that i noticed.....but i see that snoink has already told you about those......

on a whole....,keep it up.....n keep improving to get better n better......

good luck

Hello! I haven't seen you around very much, even though it looks like you've been fairly active, so first of all, welcome to YWS! I am a somewhat harder to reader to please, so it might sound like I hate you or whatever, but I assure you that's not the case. I want to see you get better. If you have any questions, just PM me and I'll try to answer them.

I want to point out one rather embarrassing spelling error first. You wrote: "i am just a waist of time." A waist is actually this:



What you want is "waste."

This poem to me isn't really poetic. It seems more like a rant with line breaks and an occasional rhyme. What you've got to do with poetry is to make us FEEL your pain and loneliness. Because we don't know what you've experienced, you need to stick us in your head, and the best way you can do this is by having creative images that everybody can identify with and understand, yet are imaginative and special to you. So take the time coming up with something interesting and unique to say about your suffering. If you want any help, learn from the greats and read as much poetry as you can. By reading all these great poets in action, it'll help you realize that the sky is indeed limitless when expressing yourself with poetry.

Finally, don't stay content with the earthly in poetry. It's not interesting to hear that someone broke your heart--everybody has their heart broken at one point or another. Say it with lovely imagery and you'll create something new and wonderfully different that will separate yourself from all the cliched poets out there and connect yourself with a greater meaning of life.

Good luck!

The only thing I saw was that "and i know that you dont care and my heart you tore apart" Sounded a little funny other than that I tthought it was good. You can clearly see what it's about unlike in some poems. Anyway good job.

This poem is the best poem I have ever read!

Keep it up!