Published June 6, 2007
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I was about to say Fand was being a little harsh with her comments, but that was before I read the poem. What you have here is not actual poetry, it is a series of wrongly punctuated statements about what people do. There are spelling mistakes. Think about what you're actually trying to do in a poem before you write it, spell-check it, edit it, and take your work seriously if you post it here or otherwise, readers - me included - won't care for it.
This poem is tripe. The idea of it is overdone, and you're not expressing it in any original or aesthetic way. Also, you should note that it is not necessary to end every line with a comma--only those where a comma is appropriate. Honestly? This doesn't even merit a rewrite.
This was a good poem but I think that you could of made it better.
'we we get new' I think this was a typo because there are two we's.
Anyway good job and keep it up
ML,
oregongirl
I'm not sure the reptition in this really works all that well...and also, the last line really didn't make much sense at all, but of course that might be my blondness kicking in...maybe change it so your meaning will be more clearer?? Otherwise though I like this because it's simple in a way that I think works for the idea of this!
The and in this stops the flow for me, but maybe that's just me
These two lines would be far more powerful if you dropped the and
as was already mentioned the extra we needs to be dopped.
Other than that I think you did a good Job. The poem reads easily and holds the attention of the reader.
~®®§
I think you had something in your mind while writing this,and based on that you wrote this piece.And you didn't give a clue to the reader what are you talking about.
But I like poems like this one.Short and straight...though somewhere in the middle I got lost.
I think the line "we lie.... not until we die"
was pretty meaningful.
Keep writing and posting!
I like the idea of this poem but it's rather simplistic and repetetive. Also I wanted to comment on two of the lines in particular...
we we get new, I think you need to remove a we here. Probably just a typo but thought I'd point it out.
and not untill do we die. [color=blue] This line doesn't make all that much sense when you first read it and then it takes some thinking about. Also I don't agree that everyone has a chance to do all those things before they die because some people die young but then I suppose if you're going with the average person... maybe use something like 'and after this we die' Or 'All before we die.'
Other than that it was an okay poem but not my style... For me it needed more passion, a deeper meaning and more imagery.