Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Dramatic


The Woes of Perpetually Fleeting Intrigue

by weona


"It's fascinating!" I exclaim from the tree.

Just before I wrap hungry hands around the fraying rope and swing out, soaring through the air. I let go high above the lake and dive headfirst into this newfound infatuation. 

But as my head breaks the surface and I gasp for a breath of air, I find my limbs tiring. Yet I only glimpsed a fraction of this soggy new place as my eager eyes squinted into its murky depths.

I found an ephemeral euphoria, submerged in my underwater wonder. Arrested all too soon by my own defects. Clawing my way back to the surface as my chest burns for air. Not knowing that as I do, I exhaust my precious interest as well as my body. 

For when I look around I find the waves are too clear. They have yielded the mystery of the darkness. My oasis has lost its luster.

"If only I could hold my breath longer," I curse my failing lungs.

The current gathers me up, I'm too tired to fight. As it carries me to shore I look back in despair. I lament my lethargy, too weak to even shake a trembling fist at the heavens.

The waters turn green around me as my poisonous affections leech out, polluting my beloved lagoon.

"Why was I born without gills?!" I cry at the fish, outraged by my plight.

I desperately lunge for them, listless hands betraying my urgency. I am overwhelmed by a panicked need to grab them, shake them, make them understand how lucky they are. What a gift it is to not be burdened by an abhorrent need for air.

But my efforts are in vain. Blinded by the algae that flourishes in my resentment, my hands blunder in the clouded water, continuously coming up empty in a pathetic display of ineptitude. My covetous sin my own undoing. 

I weep for my loss as I lay wasted on the muddy shore, carelessly discarded by the traitorous waters I so craved. I grieve for that exhilarating rush when first crashing into those enthralling depths - now emerald in my wake. I look on in anguish, tormented by the incessant waves lapping at my ankles, mocking me. I mourn for that ever elusive intrigue, now but phantom in the light. 

I surrender in sorrow as I feel the dreadful indifference seep into my bones and infect my soul; extinguishing what fragile passion remained in its crushing grip. I bemoan my wretched fate, head clasped in hands water-logged with apathy. Defeated by this loathsome affliction that plagues me. It's terminal I fear. 

I shed a final tear and despise it for its cowardice. It falls to the ground and the impact sounds eerily similar to a gunshot. 

Weary legs carry me away as I turn in reluctant resignation from the monument to my vices. And before me I find a daunting stretch of endless lakes. Ponds, creeks, pools, lochs, some so large I cannot see their end, others no bigger than a puddle. Some gloriously unfamiliar, others already tragically contaminated by my disease. 

They reach past the horizon and swallow me in their vastness. They stand before me in challenge. Full of deceptive promises that they will be the one to finally give me gills. 

There is at least one thing I share with the fish, I decide as I stride, filled with optimism, towards an alluring river - the virtue of a short memory. My own pitiful recollection is my salvation in this marshy purgatory to which I am damned. 

"Surely this will be the one," I think naively as I prepare to jump in.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 228
Reviews: 3

Donate
Fri Nov 19, 2021 5:12 am
Thistle wrote a review...



Hi there!

First off, I loved this! I personally relate to the narrator as I love the water as well and dreamed of being a fish when I was a child! I considered the little creek that flowed near my house to be my best friend growing up.
I also really like your word choices and imagery. It creates a beautiful and untamed scene in my mind. It feels very poetic and flowy. There are also a lot of strong emotions that are so well conveyed that the reader knows exactly how the narrator is feeling. And then you have this personification of the water.

All in all I don't really have anything negative to say about this piece. Maybe you could add a little bit more information that tells us about the narrator outside of there relationship with the water, but I wouldn't say that's necessary, just an ide to play with.

Keep up the good work!
-Thistle




User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 488
Reviews: 46

Donate
Sun Oct 24, 2021 3:43 am
TheWordsOfWolf wrote a review...



Hi, hello, goodmorning, Its not morning where I am its nearing midnight as per usual I am not asleep. I am called Wolf, and I have come to review your delightful little story. Firs off, right off the bat I love your first line. That may be because its a phrase i commonly say... but even at that its gripping. It makes me want to know more, I want to know what is facinating! I'm going to jump to the end now and go over your last line. My first thought when reading it was "oh boy, here we go again" and it leaves such a wonderful feeling of nostalgia given the content of your story. I applaud your colorful speech and descriptions. You seem to give the line and words new life. I simply adore it. Very well done.




User avatar
2544 Reviews


Points: 265445
Reviews: 2544

Donate
Thu Oct 21, 2021 7:26 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! And I see you joined recently! Welcome to YWS!! Hope you have a good time here!!

First Impression: This made for an interesting read. It's a rather simple scene but you manage to make it become so much more than just the one scene through this and it makes for a pretty interesting moment here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"It's fascinating!" I exclaim from the tree.

Just before I wrap hungry hands around the fraying rope and swing out, soaring through the air. I let go high above the lake and dive headfirst into this newfound infatuation.

But as my head breaks the surface and I gasp for a breath of air, I find my limbs tiring. Yet I only glimpsed a fraction of this soggy new place as my eager eyes squinted into its murky depths.


Hmm, this is a very interesting note to start off on here. There's a certain sense of excitement here, and there's a slightly poetic tone to this description as things kick off in this short story. Its a very interesting start for sure here.

I found an ephemeral euphoria, submerged in my underwater wonder. Arrested all too soon by my own defects. Clawing my way back to the surface as my chest burns for air. Not knowing that as I do, I exhaust my precious interest as well as my body.

For when I look around I find the waves are too clear. They have yielded the mystery of the darkness. My oasis has lost its luster.

"If only I could hold my breath longer," I curse my failing lungs.


Hmm...that style of description continues. It seems a little overdone but that appears to almost be on purpose and creates a lightly humorous tone there cause it feels like a situation that isn't nearly grave enough warrant words quite like that so...its an interesting effect. I don't know if this was intentional or not.

The current gathers me up, I'm too tired to fight. As it carries me to shore I look back in despair. I lament my lethargy, too weak to even shake a trembling fist at the heavens.

The waters turn green around me as my poisonous affections leech out, polluting my beloved lagoon.

"Why was I born without gills?!" I cry at the fish, outraged by my plight.

I desperately lunge for them, listless hands betraying my urgency. I am overwhelmed by a panicked need to grab them, shake them, make them understand how lucky they are. What a gift it is to not be burdened by an abhorrent need for air.


Hmm, now things do finally sort of sound a bit more serious here. Here the panic seems more justified and the words help paint that picture in a rather powerful light there, so this is continuing along nicely, and creating some good suspense there as this person appears to be in a spot of bother there.

But my efforts are in vain. Blinded by the algae that flourishes in my resentment, my hands blunder in the clouded water, continuously coming up empty in a pathetic display of ineptitude. My covetous sin my own undoing.

I weep for my loss as I lay wasted on the muddy shore, carelessly discarded by the traitorous waters I so craved. I grieve for that exhilarating rush when first crashing into those enthralling depths - now emerald in my wake. I look on in anguish, tormented by the incessant waves lapping at my ankles, mocking me. I mourn for that ever elusive intrigue, now but phantom in the light.


Hmm, here once again it tends more towards the funnier side of things cause while it was a bit of a bad situation to be in, this feels a little exaggeration, this time perhaps even on purpose cause with the context we currently have we don't really have any reason to suspect this person's current situation is as bad as some of those words would suggest.

I surrender in sorrow as I feel the dreadful indifference seep into my bones and infect my soul; extinguishing what fragile passion remained in its crushing grip. I bemoan my wretched fate, head clasped in hands water-logged with apathy. Defeated by this loathsome affliction that plagues me. It's terminal I fear.

I shed a final tear and despise it for its cowardice. It falls to the ground and the impact sounds eerily similar to a gunshot.

Weary legs carry me away as I turn in reluctant resignation from the monument to my vices. And before me I find a daunting stretch of endless lakes. Ponds, creeks, pools, lochs, some so large I cannot see their end, others no bigger than a puddle. Some gloriously unfamiliar, others already tragically contaminated by my disease.


Well...it continues with that particular vein of thought once again. Here I feel like maybe once thing return back towards being serious and the story sort of justifies itself once more as we get a glimpse that perhaps this is a lifelong dream of some sort for this person and they are continuing to have disappoint after disappointment in it and hence they are suffering somewhat due to that. Its a very interesting situation at any rate.

They reach past the horizon and swallow me in their vastness. They stand before me in challenge. Full of deceptive promises that they will be the one to finally give me gills.

There is at least one thing I share with the fish, I decide as I stride, filled with optimism, towards an alluring river - the virtue of a short memory. My own pitiful recollection is my salvation in this marshy purgatory to which I am damned.

"Surely this will be the one," I think naively as I prepare to jump in.


Hmm, well and so it ends on the same note as well. I don't quite know what to feel about that. On one hand, I get a sense of the sadness of this situation and a sort of a haunting feel there of a cycle that never ends and keeps getting worse but I also feel like some of the choice of words is just a bit too powerful for this which ends up making this seem a bit exaggerated and bordering on humorous. Its an odd effect that I'm not entirely if you intended to create.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a pretty powerful scene you create but at times it feels like it goes a little too far. Anyway I think that's about all that I have to say for today. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Oct 20, 2021 8:51 pm
weona says...






User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Oct 20, 2021 8:51 pm
weona says...







"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green